outside

as much space as we have inside... there is nothing like the great outdoors - even our limited front yard for the calming of the shrew... by shrew i mean a two year old tantrum of course. inside there is 100 things to say no to, outside - only 5 or 10. She is good at staying out of the street so that hits the number one thing immediately.

Two year old melt downs are now a regular occurrence in our home. Bee hit them at three... Momma Bear is advanced i guess :). i know much of this must have to do with her confusions and sadness. we needed her to have a chill out in her room... and all she did was sit and scream mommymommymommy over and over. so much fun for many reasons - to hear a child continually cry is stressful - to have them cry for you... by a name your not sure you will have forever or not.

and a selfish reason... i'm not a MOMMY fan - i prefer momma.

i fear that these two year old fits are a scary harbinger of 16 year old screaming matches to come. i have little to no patience with her tantrums and her clinginess recently.

we are sitting in our front yard and as i type she refuses to play but wants to be on top of me. instead of playing she slams her sunglasses against the table... and then tantrums when they are removed from her... sigh... so now i am outside in the glorious breeze and quiet... and she is screaming in her room while my hubby deals w/ her meltdowns...

awkward part of foster-christmas

labeling the kiddies present so that if they leave... they can take them with them.

christmas w/ the bears

had an absolute blast with the bears and my bee on christmas.

spoiled them at the capacity that we are able to.

momma bear was a little more spoiled than the rest since we've never had a little girl (always makes me think of the line from Annie)

SUCH a blast...

but it brought up issues. not so much for the kiddies - they are so young, they know somethings up - but it doesn't seem to shake them up as much as others.

they were both so happy, but i felt myself getting sad at points, wondering what it'll be like next year.

the after christmas sales... not hitting them - usually i would go and buy a bunch of stuff in next year's sizes. don't know that they'll be here,  and while i would love for them to be here, if they were here next year - it would mean the A-word... adoption. which i would love - but scares the poo out of me. it's only our second placement - had hoped to help a few more kids. AND - it would mean we would have FOUR KIDS. 3 boys and and a girl. we would need to put 3 boys in a small room. we could do it - but holy cow.

and the BIG thing. i don't want to hope to adopt them. i want to keep hoping their parents pull it together. it's sweet when family tells us they hope that we'll get to keep them (or one of my least favs - ohhh, they're keepers!). or they tell us how much "better" they look - as if they're daddy was useless. i want them forever in our lives, i want them to be my babies forever but i pray for the success of their parents

it's such an odd place to be emotionally - i AM angry with their father that he hasn't picked it up and done what he needs to do so they could be home for christmas - and so thankful we had them for christmas. i pray that things will change and they can go home to their family - but know i will be in pieces when it happens because they are my children in every way that matters.

enjoying them in the moment... trying not to worry about the future

ahhhhh.... space....

have officially begun moving into the playroom...


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... SPACE.

lots and lots and ... well maybe not that much space, but i feel like i can breathe.

working on getting the living areas cleaned up so we can do christmas morning with my family here.

so excited to finally get in the spirit, still not quite there, but the tree is up... and gifts are purchased (but not wrapped)... life is good!

pix to follow soon

display of trust (?)

today i was surprised...

i picked up the bears from school... and was excited to see that there were gifts from their daddy from visitation.

as i was reviewing the contents of the package, and surprised to find at the bottom of the bag.

STOCKINGS.

he sent their stockings...

crazy, but i took it as a sign of trust. 

loss and a miracle

my grandpa passed away on wednesday evening

grief is surreal - doesn't matter that he was 91 - he was my grandpa, my father's father, my son's greatpapa.

in the preparing for his death and the funeral i have lost 3 weeks of december... time stood still for us and zoomed by during the busiest of all seasons.

as i was wallowing in my grief i got a call...

from the woman of that sad story i couldn't share... a miracle of all miracles. after being told by specialist after specialist that there was no hope for her unborn son, that he would be born and survive hours, days, maybe weeks.... after being told the best choice to preserve her sanity would be to terminate his life. they are scratching their heads. things which shouldn't have been able to have happen, have happened.

he will live... he will live... a true christmas miracle - a resurrection of sorts... the news received the day before the funeral of my grandfather... one has died, one will be born and be spared a certain death.

joyous... grieving.... life

little bit by little bit

~ i feel good and i feel like i shouldn't - which is stupid.

~ things are still not right...

~ my grandfather is officially in hospice care, but he is in his home where he wants to be, with his dog

~ our kids' guardian ad litem is coming on tuesday most likely, but our kids finally have a guardian ad litem

~ the case worker i am not fond of is coming by soon, to introduce me to the NEW case worker

~ my house is a mess, but less of a mess than it was at the beginning of the day

~ the playroom is not done, but it's been emptied and is ready to be painted and the sliders are down

~ missed work on friday due to some freaky stomach bug, but i got to sleep ALL DAY because kids were at school....

~ not sure how to end this post... but i'm starting to blog again :):):)

strange thought

caught myself as i was staring at my grandfather lying in his hospital bed....

i was staring at his legs... the legs his mom probably bandaged when he was a kid

he has these little scars on his legs, they remind me of the bug bite scars bee has all over his legs...

i wonder, are those the bug bites HIS momma asked him not to scratch?

as i hold his hand, as he lies there battling pneumonia, are those the same marks a sassy-mouthed 5 yr old scratched 86 years ago.... and some day, will my son's granddaughter be experiencing what i am experiencing now? wondering what i am wondering now.

anxiety

anxiety still high... but working on speaking w/ husband... have had a few freak out moments... and he is trying to roll with it. the main issue has been clean up from flood (yes ---- 3 mo's later the house is still upside down) so he is doing what he can to resolve it. it's VERY hard to get stuff done w/ a two year old in the house. the 5 yr old is helpful, the 6 mos old stays still... the 2 yr old is in it all undoing what has just been done and isn't self entertained.

in addition work is out of control - all the teachers are stressed about a new schedule we have, exams without enough time to prepare the kids, and some other stuff which does not seem to be in the best interest of the students. all decisions made by legislators NOT educators.

there is another sad story which isn't mine to tell... close friend... major complications, will be losing her child shortly after he is born.

my sweet son's behavior is beyond out of control lately. in fact... i was staying home from church to try to get a leg up on some alone time while listening to my favorite hymns and cleaning the growing mess. but 10 minutes into the church service the hubby calls to have me come get my boy. "mocking voice" has been a struggle lately - and he was doing it in church... ugh...

and the cherry on the top... my 92 year old grandfather is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. i haven't been able to spend as much time with him as i would like in the past 6 mos... but know that we have done what has had to be done.

all of this at my favorite time of the year... and i haven't even pulled out our advent box... so sad to think this christmas season will pass and i feel that i haven't been speaking into the soul of my children...

<<<>>> this too shall pass....

promises that shouldn't be made

court on monday

nervous

bears' dad will be there (hopefully)

we will speak to judge if he desires... heard he requests fp name for the record... will try to go just off foster mom... but we will see... haven't wanted our name ON THE RECORD b/c then we can be found. case worker says dad isn't that resourceful. will keep faith...

have heard dad is promising kids they'll be home for Christmas... case worker tells me she doesn't see it happening... but it is all in the judges hands.

whatever is best.

my fear is that we will walk into court and be told pack them up... praying for least a week warning whenever that does happen. Just enough time for us to come to terms and to prep bee.

praying hard for the best, praying that GOD will give us peace in whatever happens.

praying for the bears' big brother and father. if the judge doesn't work it so the kids are home by christmas - they will both be desperately disappointed. praying that it doesn't discourage dad from trying his hardest.

would love to see the kids go for overnight or weekend visits.... if they are to go home... would give us time to adjust - and them - and we would get breaks :)

feeling powerless - but know HE who has the power is in control....

paralyzing anxiety

i had had a rough day

the thoughts were bombarding my brain

life is not anything like i had planned

and not in the good way

i walked into the publix and everywhere i looked i saw suffering in other's eyes...

i felt the pressure on my chest - the shortness of breath - the heartbreak

the feelings i had had the first few months after bee was born

i was able to get it together just enough to grab some frozen dinners, an avocado, and a bottle of pinot grigio

sometimes it's still way too hard

but it'll be better

i have to restart and refresh

i need to be back in the word

i need to self reflect and catch the downward spiral at the beginning instead of the end

i need to count the blessings

i need to breathe

thinking of fostering, but want to test the waters rather than dive in??? RESPITE

loved it loved it loved it

doing foster respite care was like heaven

1 night, play date type feeling... none of the drama of having to know all the dirty details... and the benefit of helping out a family who is doing the hard dirty work by giving them a night (or two or three) off.

we will continue with our kids we have for now... but when they go home (no details of when/if), we may take a long-short break from full time fostering, and do respite.

we often hear people tell us they wish they could foster but couldn't "give them back" --- despise that, BUT, if that is what is holding someone back, they should do respite care! it's so short term, that it's more like a quick babysitting job rather than parenting. it's something in DESPERATE need, as foster parents cannot send the kids to grandma's for the weekend - but the kids must stay in a licensed home. of all the people who need a break - foster parents are definitely near the top of the list!

is this good?

think visitation went well

kids came home with gifts!

happy dad is doing better, but the a-word has been whispered, so working on my own selfish desires (ahhhh Buddha was so wise)

hoping this means he has turned a corner

email sent to caseworker to confirm visit was GOOD

***having our first "sleepover" - aka respite care kid - easier than we thought! like it! 5 yr old boy, basically a   playdate for bee

whispering the A-word

we haven't told our family this... just my small group

we got this email a while back from our caseworker

Quick question should the children become available for adoption would you and your husband be interested?

we try not to talk about it

but it's there... the a-word has been spoken

the kids have only been here 3 mos... at least another 9 mos until a serious discussion of tpr

not what i want to think about, not what i want to be worrying about.

i want to be focused 100% on praying for, hoping for reunification...

now like a seed of a weed, the idea is sprouting, taking root... the thought of these cute hands and feet in our life forever...

how to feel

recently in a (new) foster parent support site i joined...

one of the other fostermommas posted...

Someone please tell me how I am supposed to feel. Today was supposed to be J's second visit w/ bio-mom. She didn't show. No one can find her. I feel so bad for J, but part of me thinks this is good...another strike against her. I do NOT feel good about him going back to her, AT ALL. I get the impression that the case manager feels the same. But there is an aunt that is interested,and I am mostly ok with that. Luckily, at 4 months, he really doesn't see the problem.

i relate to this 100%, but not about wanting the strikes.

amazed that i feel so personally insulted when daddy doesn't show

yesterday he showed, for half an hour. he gets 2 hours. apparently there is a policy - if you miss 3 visits, they can take away visitation (hadn't heard that!). By showing for 30 minutes, he keeps his visitation rights. i am glad he keeps his rights, hopes to hades that he follows through! chef hubby is afraid he'll keep up a pattern of 2 no shows and then a minimal effort show.

it's hard to talk to others about how much this saddens us.

many people seem to think we should be happy, because it raises the chance of them being adopted. but i continually think, GOD did not create families originally to be broken. the longer this draws out the longer these kids are separated from one another.

even the impression we get from the cw is that they may end up being adopted...

it is such an odd feeling, this desire to keep them in our lives, coupled with the desire for them to be able to be reunified with their dad

i catch myself starting to think far into the future with them in the picture... and at the same time making plans for when they leave...

such a fractured existence 

brother bear

after the so-not-fun of thursday and all it's minidrama... silver lining... fire lit to get big brother's foster momma to call us and set up a playdate

which she did

for today... the most inconvenient of days... but we jumped at it.

local park, 3 hours (went to dinner during as well)

sweet boy - confused... thinks he is the only one who had to leave... thinks the lil' bears live with his parents, didn't believe they are living with us.

what must he think?

had a blast... but definitely confirmed i am not ready to have 4 children in our house... someday... not this moment...

praying the cw does NOT show for visitation tomorrow... but she probably will... praying for understanding in the crazy mess of our house as we continue to piece it back together and go through all our shtuff

what we have here is a failure to communicate

ugh

the bears' caseworker is quickly becoming one of my least favorite people

she is not communicating whether or not she is REALLY working with the other foster family to set up sibling visits.... just a casual... oh yeah, i gave them your info to contact you...

then tonight, i emailed asking for details about how to get to the judicial review we were told is this upcoming Monday.

response... (cut and pasted)

The review was on Monday. We had the date wrong


that's it -

i am flabergasted.

these kids deserve the best, and they aren't getting it.

<<<>>>

***just got email from the foster care support worker... she is going to be contacting our case worker and her supervisor tomorrow to get this taken care of! she apologized on behalf of the worker (i hadn't even mentioned not getting an apology) - she was shocked that we hadn't gotten one! it hadn't really crossed my mind until she mentioned it.

praying all goes well (and that they don't come to the house in the midst of flood rehabilitation)

278 - 288

***found this tucked under never published - from just after the flood


278. friends who will give up their never home hubbies for the night in order to help us out

279. one inch of water... and not two

280. that my dad knows people

281. a motel to stay in (one bedroom plus living room) that won't take our credit card until we figure out what insurance will cover

282. nothing lost that can't be easily replaced

283. home insurance

284. high school girlie to hang out with us while hubby on a fishing trip

285. that hubby went on fishing trip

286. momma to take bee for the night while hubby is gone

287. friends who get the grief that others may think we should take joy in recent news

288. a bed to sleep in and a dry floor

FIGHT FOR ME DADDY

if i could speak for the bears... i would say...

fight for me daddy...

you've been given a chance to be redeemed

fight for me daddy...

we're worth it... and so are you

fight for me daddy...

if you don't fight for me now... i may question my worth later...

fight for me daddy...

they love us here daddy...

fight for us daddy...

GOD gave US to YOU...

sad news... not getting hopes up

our case worker is finally be more open w/ us

no details (protect privacy) but reunification... while the goal... may not happen.

so sad for bears, scary for us....

i've been daydreaming about being a one child family and having time to sleep again.

but know if it happened - we would do it...

all three of them...

wanting to talk to case worker next month that once they FINISH the TPR process and move into the adoption process... we want big brother to come to us...

scary

sad

such beautiful kids and i feel like there is a minimal fight going on for them....

on an unrelated side note... still in motel from the toilet flood of 2011

crisis mode

stress... no one likes it...

i feel like we have been functioning on crisis mode for months... since getting bubba....

he came

we had just gotten used to him and he to us... and he left

we had 9 days off (only 3 or so at home)

and the bears came....

we are still getting used to them...

i have started one of the most stressful "begininning of school year" ever in my 13 years since i've started this job....

and then...

the toilet flood...

so glad to have people of GOD in our life and supporting us...

i love our peeps...

just want a break from the crises!!!!!!!!!

splish splash

how much damage can a $5 toilet part do???

we are still waiting to find out...

my hubby came home yesterday to find almost our entire house under an inch of water... not a tragedy... but definitely set up for MAJOR inconvenience.

blessed to have friends and family who turned out to help us get set up...

soon to come..

how to deal w/ "emergency" situations w/ foster kiddies

i hate tuesdays... aka visitation sucks

wish i had more time to blog

but...

just to say - we are still here and so are our kids

and

visitation sucks

men in uniform

most girls get a thrill from men in uniform

not momma bear

we were in sonny's after church today and a group of police officers were seated near by

she became visibly upset and wanted to be held and to see baby

this is when a foster parent has to pay attention to surroundings!

it would have been easy to blow it off as typical restaurant behavior... and maybe it was

it also may have been the fact the last time she saw police officers was most likely when she was removed from her home

it was so hard to see her panicking, she has felt safe with us and in that moment she felt at risk.

i should be happy

baby bear went on a picnic (aka visitation) today

momma bear is getting over sickness which involves nasty symptoms so not good for the hour commute they take... so she stayed home

the transporter is awesome (more informative than the cw, bummed we won't see her when we go back to work)

ANYWAY... transporter told us that dad loves the notes and is so greatful...

then she said - some people just need a wake-up call, he is getting it together.

i am happy... i know it's best for them to go home... it's not happening soon and i will enjoy them for now... but they will go home

brother bear is in a new placement... they don't sound like our type of fosterparent... praying for him - praying i'm wrong, praying our cw gets it together so we can get him out... we've asked to take him on a mini-vacation w/ us... but hope to spend time with him first!

one of the worst things to say to a foster parent

"it'll be so hard when they leave"

we heard four or five variations of this yesterday... and i heard it four or five times today...

yes, it'll be hard

no it doesn't help to hear it constantly...

it's not nice to continually remind someone of an impending loss...

would you continually tell someone, man when xxx dies, it'll suck?

i know it's not the same... but never seeing them again... not knowing where they will be... yes it will be hard... yes, we need to keep it a reality in our mind...

i just don't want to think about it ALL THE TIME!!!!!!

bletch!

266 - 277

266. crazy hand-me down bathing suits for yard play

267. crazy flower jammies on sale for my favorite peekaboo partner

268. rigatoni - the most she has eaten w/ us --- noodles easier to grasp

269. this awesome pony at our local consignment for our lil' girl who tries to ride the arms of our chairs



270. minivan deal... grateful for a friend of the family who is a dealer!

271. playmat for baby... who is starting to grab with aim!

272. dirty feet... girl feet!

273. mom and sis who love my babies and swim with them... so i can have just a few moments to myself

274. mom with a pool

275. dresses off ebay

276. play clothes for $2 at walmart

277. long over due progress made on our addition

broken family broken hearts...

for an hour or so today we seriously considered bringing brother bear into our home...

"failed" placement

sigh...

prayed hard, looked into buying a minivan...

even called the case worker and said we were thinking about it

couldn't do it

bee reminded us how important it is for him to have his own room by having a gianormous fit... over something unrelated...

to bring in big brother would break our #1 rule. bee gets his own room, a sanctuary. if we had a room i think it would have happened.

my heart is breaking...

praying he gets a placement in our county... a family who will work with us for visitation (current family seems overloaded w/ special needs etc)

in t-r-o-u-b-l-e

i said i would post why we are "in trouble"... it's not the oh no TROUBLE trouble, but the we love the kids so much i already miss them and want to cry a little kind of trouble.

it'll be a month this coming saturday since they've moved in.

they "fit"... she lights up when she sees me or chef hubby. bee is heads over heals in love with his new baby "brover". he wants to hold him and help feed him. i love snuggling w/ baby bear and he is starting to coo and smile... sweet sights and sound from such a little guy

don't get me wrong it's not all moonlight and roses, she tantrums at nap time... ripped a hole in the bed tent one time (fixed). she jumps off of everything... and likes to wake up right as baby bear is finishing his early morning feeding and drifting off to sleep... refusing to nap ugh ugh ugh... likes to tell us no, throws food everywhere...a typical almost 2 yr old learning boundaries...

but she fits us... they don't feel like relatives visiting... (i try to imagine our foster kids as family visiting... gives the close feeling and bonding but when they leave not the same bone numbing shock as if you lost your child) they feel like they belong here. when brother bear came, i felt like telling the cw, we'll take him - go pack up his stuff... we'll find a spot!

so... like i said we are in trouble... but good... we will keep loving on them hard... and we have faith, friends and family who will help put as back together and pull us back together when they leave...

sigh

bears go on a picnic (aka visitation)

the sweet quiet of the house with only bee in it...

the sting of guilt for splitting up a sibling set.

miss k came to pick up the bears to go visit w/ daddy... and had brother bear with her. he's so cute. so sweet... reminding myself he was on best behavior.

he lit up when he saw his sibs.

he must miss them.

when i spoke w/ the cw yesterday about getting the kids together she said the other foster family said he doesn't talk about them - so he must not miss them. UGH. seriously?!?!?... maybe it's too hard for him to talk about his family he has been torn from.

she saw today how much he loves his sibs first hand in our house today. i reminded her that i will do whatever we can to get the kids together. that if someone else gets him to our house we can do a playdate. we will even do respite IF he can sleep in the same room w/ momma bear.

it sounds like brother bear's foster folk have alot on their plate (will not mention here - but very valid overload stuff)... not as interested in setting up time for the kids. cw did admit that it is the policy to be sure the kids get together...

she asked us w/ a very confused look on our face - why didn't you take all of them???? i said it was hard, but we know our limitations. we would then have FOUR KIDS - infant, toddler, 4 yr old and 5 yr old. ummm.... also - we don't put foster kids in our bio son's room so that he can have a sanctuary (esp when kids LEAVE). oh yeah... and our car is FULL. we literally cannot put another child in the car. i have a feeling if we had a minivan right now we would be discussing it seriously. hubby and i are already talking about if they became adoptable... which is another rule we've broken.... mentioning the A word... that we would pray and seriously consider bringing in big bro.

blunt reminder

no matter how much we love these little bears....

they are NOT OURS

we've been playing and goofing around, taking trips going to disney... having people tell us how cute our kids are..

got a call tonight that they will go to visit dad tomorrow.

details that are bubbling in my chest that i can't divulge...

i hope and pray they are able to be reunified. but i feel my prayers are half-hearted.

hoping tomorrow goes well... hoping the little bears get to see brother bear... hoping that a GAL (guardian ad litem) gets appointed that will push for sibling visits more often.

what is especially hard is that our little bee is heads over heels in love with baby bear... constantly tells us how much he loves him and that "he says big brover and hi to me"...

praying for strength, guidance, and a good visit

246 - 265 thankful

246. family tradition - timeshare sharing in Sebastian

247. offers for a free replacement brown dog... and a promise they will hold onto it if needed once he was found

248. new case worker... Miss K, seems much more relaxed than mr. e was... very chill about us taking the bears to sebastian or wherever else ins tate

249. surprises for my big boy

250. tickets to NKOTBSB concert... recieved for my birthday

251. relatives who work for disney! (free admission baby!)

252. hubby who can handle 2 under 2 on his own for 2 days!

253. sister to drive me and bee to the train

254. train tickets being cheaper than driving to orlando and back!

255. excitement of bee for his first train ride

256. fire fighter friends

257. daycare recently opening an infant room (whew!)

258. screened in babyseat

259. family lovin' on my bears

260. chance for my soccer lovin' hubby to watch women's world cup w/ a girl of his own (for now)

261. my son becoming more comfortable in the water

262. fun parks

263. science exploration

264. carousels

265. old friends walking down memory lane

the lost is found

ahhhh.... all is well... at least on the brown dog side of things....  this sucker is never leaving the house again... love that boy  --- love that smile!

feeling failure in the little things

i know i'm a good momma...

but sometimes it takes something small to make you feel like a complete failure.

my son bee has a little stuffed dog... imaginatively named brown dog...

here's brown dog hitching a ride recently (so glad i snapped this shot)

well... brown dog has gone seriously missing... as in i was a schmo and let bee take him to the family time share in sebastian

**1st rule broken - let the durn dog leave the house!

i even ignored the little voice that said "hey! don't let that thing out of the house" but i figured i was being over-protective... sigh

then momma bear kept messing w/ it when we were at the time share and i fussed at bee to put it away in a safe place.

at one point my boy cousins were taking out the garbage and i thought... i should stop them and look through the garbage - sigh...

i have a sneaking suspension momma bear may have thrown in in the garbage and it is long gone... it breaks my heart

i know it's just a stupid stuffed dog, but it's his baby... when he is upset it's what comforts him...

when bubba left, when baby frog died... he cried and cuddled w/ brown dog...

i feel like i've failed him, i can't stop thinking about it... doubt i will get any sleep tonight - the family is packing up the time share tomorrow and if it will be found - that is when. i'm actually nauseaus

i've looked it up on the internet - $95... can't do that... don't know if i want to buy/get a replacement anyway - part of me does b/c of how much bee loves brown dog, but don't know what that teaches him about keeping track of belongings and/or what it teaches about "replacing" what we love by buying things

praying he is found...

the christian working mom

i love stay at home moms...

most of my friends are stay at home moms and i have never recieved judgement from them... so this is not a commentary on those who KNOW me

but sometimes i feel (maybe imagine) judgement from others... especially as a christian mom
my first choice would be to stay at home

GOD laughs at our plans

i am a teacher so i work full time (though some would disagree...) i do get unpaid vacation time - 2 mo's out of the year - more than most can ask for...

being a christ-follower... knowing my obligation to bee to raise him as a christ-following man-of-GOD makes it hard to face our financial reality

i don't work so that i can be driving nice cars (we both drive older than 10 year cars), wear fine fashion (most of my clothes are clearance items or consignment), or go on fabulous vacations (big trip this year is to sebastian fla - a short drive for us)

my job takes care of frivolities like food, shelter, health insurance etc.

my hubby and i are both teachers in fla... not known for great pay... but (for now) benefits are fairly good. we have health insurance that we wouldn't have if i stayed home (we get FREE health insurance for our fam since we both work for the same county)

as a christian working mom it's rough. i would love to home school, i would love to be with my kids all day - especially at bee's age when i feel like i could pour so much more into him and help him be the man he is meant to be.

i do experience guilt. my fav bloggers are stay-at-home or work-at-home mommas. i love ann voskamp and reading her homeschooling tips is always a sharp tug... if only...

i struggled for a short while about if i should be working as a christian mom, but knowing that the majority of moderate income women around the world and throughout history have had incomes to assist in supporting their families has helped... also - there are no direct commands of CHRIST saying "thou shalt stay at home at all costs". even the proverbs 31 woman brought in an income.

it's a struggle to be content in what HE has given and what HE has ordained...

226-

226. a baby in our house - a real baby!

227. buying barrettes

228. snuggly baby time

229. hugs from momma bear

230. a crib tent to keep her safe at bed and naptime

231. a swing to rock baby bear to sleep

232. a swaddle-me swaddler to get him to stay asleep in the crib

233. my big boy helper

234. keeping a tradition - 4th w/ friends - even in the midst of all our blessings

235. sleep

236. ruffled socks

237. support from our church---when (on facebook wall post convo) i said i didn't want to overwhelm the church by having them do meals -- just been 2 mo's since they last did it! - a friend made this comment: OVERWHELM us M****!!! It is a privilege to serve Him by serving you!!! ok - y'all i know i didn't give birth - but i felt like a hormonal postpartum momma at the moment when i read that - and just about lost it! LOVE my people who get it

238. having friends who get it

239. a husband who has summer's off

240. a husband who is a hands on daddy.

241. hairy baby ears... i have a weak spot for hairy ears... the kind you only see on new babies... never thought i would have a baby in our house that young again

242. pigtails... cute lil' blonde pigtails...

243. sit n' spin i jacked from our neighbors garbage...

244. bubbles

245. unisex handme downs (red and white oshkosh overalls in specific)

stay-at-home-for-the-summer-daddy

i love my hubby, he is a true hands on daddy

he works hard and takes on his 50% + of the kid work

but for some reason, other men seem to think he is lazing around on his duff free of any responsibilities

two different times (in my presence) he's been asked how he enjoys having time off to relax.

today he was asked this as he was holding baby bear in the carrier and helping me out w/ covering momma bear

i wonder how stay-at-home dad's deal w/ it? i remember how it felt as a stay-at-home mom... the idea that i sat around eating bon-bons all day

newborns are tons of work - a newborn and a toddler is ridiculously large amounts of work --- hubby and i are constantly busy and it's two of us!

there's the double whammy that since we are teachers people think we truly are doing nothing all summer... in truth it's when we try to get all the things done that we put off all year, and try to regain strength to face the next school year.

routine, routine, routine

the secret to all successful parenting...

routine

even in the crazy world of foster parenting... and in this case i'm referring to bee's routine.

our bio son (now 5 years old)

one of the top questions we get is "how is he handling it?"

we spent over a year talking about the idea of foster care and a good 6 mo's intensely prepping him for kids coming and going)

he gets it...

but the day to day handling of the whole deal is just as important as the explaining the comings and goings...

we have a routine.

he likes to help feed babies, totally cool

we do mealtime devotionals no matter what (even if i'm holding a screaming toddler --- or feeding her, even though family rule is everyone finishes and waits for devos)

whenever a foster kiddie is in the bath - that's bee's assigned wii time (insures he gets to do it w/ out being messed w/ - AND he is engrossed just in case it's a single parent night and whoever is home has to be focused on someone else)

we don't ditch big plans (4th of july w/ friends, church lunch time, playgroup) --- we need to keep his routine somewhat normal...

also his room is sacrisanct... no foster-kiddies allowed... we tell him (and them) it's b/c the legos aren't safe... but also - it gives him sanctuary...

he gets bedtime story and 5 minutes of momma snuggle time everynight

we do occasional movie nights after foster kiddies are to bed...

important for him to feel secure and loved and "special" w/o obviously excluding the other kids...

delicate, but important balance~

the art of juggling

have you ever watched someone juggling?

the thought that oh crap, they'll drop something... especially when they bring out the fragile items or really heavy stuff...

have you ever tried juggling... i mean seriously tried - given it more than the 10 - 15 minute attempt?

me neither... i don't like dropping things...

so... 3 kids - two people - each w/ 2 hands - SHOULD have a hand left over... nope - LOTS of juggling going on in this house right now

GOD in his providence knew we couldn't have handled this last year... i keep thanking him for making us wait...

we LOVE baby bear and momma bear (we're hooked on these kids in a big way - post to follow on thought on that!)

but it is HARD... not the same hard we had w/ bubba... who liked to throw monster fits, and anything he could set his hands on. he was into everything, except us.

momma bear is infatuated w/ chef hubby (and the feeling is def, mutual) and she likes to be my shadow... this is no big deal...

i dreamed of having another baby in my life... and this little guy (6 weeks old y'all) is more than i dared to dream of. i have a baby again. sweet, snuggly, fall asleep on you baby.

but i also have an active 20 month old to chase... and a 5 year old who would occasionally like some attention.

ok - sis - if you are reading this stop now... diaper and toilet talk ahead!

i was telling a friend tonight that sometimes i feel like all i do is change poopie diapers.

i TOTALLY forgot how much newborns poop. oh my lanta!

he sleeps, when he wakes up - we change him (super wet usually) then bottle... then half way through bottle that awful noise i had forgotten.... the newborn liquid gurgling pooing sound... ugh.

and the smell... he is on formula (um... yeah - before any random finder of this blog forgets - THEY ARE FOSTER KIDS ---- NO BREASTFEEDING THEM!) and blech - the stink of formula poops...

i recently found myself going to the bathroom, while changing a diaper, and having hubbie knock on door to pass me the next one... at someone else's house

JUGGLING

i have gone two or three days (and they have only been here four) and realized at the end of the day i've only eaten 2 meals.... a late breakfast and dinner.

i'm sure we'll hit the groove eventually... but praying it comes soon. hoping to enjoy some of the summer i have left (less than a month!)

the sick part of this... as tired as i am... i love it... <3

203-225

203. vbs at my mom's church --- something to keep bee busy while bubba left

204. 3 hours to myself

205. my own "private" beach

206. time alone to process that he is gone - not even 24 hours afte he had left... but gone

207. just enough other people to fell alone on this stretch of sand, but not creepy alone

208. a small grey shell, my new worry stone - a gift from him

209. the wave from bubba - a small perfect gift from our case worker gave me

210.bowling on the first day of summer, the day he left

211. the silly videos that played after each gutter ball

212. the fact that bee loved the videos more than trying to hit pins down

213. starbucks with a friend and a bit of baby love - the balm for a hurting heart

214. my sweet sensitive bee --- putting his head to my chest and saying he could hear my heart crying

215 a new family tradition

216. how the moon is out even in midmorning

217. the moon that reflects the sun... may i be a moon who reflects the light of the SON (inspired by this book)

218. watching a class of paddleboarders... idea for the future

219. a reminder there is a future and happier days to come

220. rocking chair on our front porch

221. rain

222. sweater and hot tea --- yes even in the summer in south fla!

223. old plastic slide  and the memories made there

224. painted toes

225. new bike for our FIVE year old

happy belated birthday bee

 truth is - i typed this ahead of time and meant to do autopost...
2 reasons -

1. we will be celebrating the marriage of hubby's youngest (of 6) siblings

2. the biggest reason - i can't think about the birthday on the birthday

a while ago, i took a survey and did an interview for survivors of pph and hysterectomies... it came back i was at risk for PTSD.

i think i am just really honest

most days are good... and this year i'm hoping bee's bday will be even better than most

BUT... i will not get any alone time - i will be w/ family. very in-your-face- stressed-out and (unfortunatly) drama ridden family.

i do not get along w/ one of my hubbies sisters. i've blogged about our fractured relationship before.

i am a bit more raw on my son's bday.

the day after even more.

the day i almost died.

it seems surreal to type and honestly sometimes i feel like i'm being my usual dramatic self.

but 20 units of blood... not so much the drama.

i have actually re-looked at the paperwork before to be sure i wasn't over-blowing the numbers.

i have had well-meaning people in the past BLOW IT OFF as me being selfish (that i don't like to celebrate his birthday ON his birthday - trust me we go all out before and after)

i think i've said it before - but you find out who is and isn't your real friends in the midst of trauma/tragedy.

it is a tad selfish.

i try.

what truly sucks is i LOVE this scene from Gilmore Girls - i want to do this w/ my child. but to relive the hours leading up to his birth and just after are too hard.

my hubby mentioned it one time... ooo.. .this is what was happening - and it was if i was hit with ice water - and it was the good stuff - not the bad.

but to think... ooo this is when we were leaving for the hospital, or ooo this is when he was being born... is to lead me to oooo... this is when they tried to send chef hubby home saying all was fine, or oooo... this is when the realized something was wrong... or esp the next day - this is when i woke up to a new reality...

so. even though i have typed this a week before - if you are reading it on or close to JUNE 25... say an extra prayer for me.

it still hurts

baby bear and momma bear - placement #2 kids 2 and 3

1030 last night (almost 24 hours ago!) we got the call

and w/ in 3 hours - 2 sweet children entered our home

baby bear is 1 mo' old lil boy who still fits in preemie clothes

momma bear is his protective big sister, all of 20 mo's old

still recovering from the shock...

still missing bubba...

but having a blast!

never-made memories

what is odd about losing a child... even in this form of loss in which this child was lost... he was never ours... is the making of the never-made memories

as i drove across the state for a day of girlie fun (a tame bachelorette party - pedicures and dinner) i was bombarded with never-made memories

there were tons of road construction

i could almost hear bubba in the back seat - his excited grunts and gesturings... not unlike a teenaged boy seeing boobs... he would get the same joy out of seeing construction vehicles

it reminds me of the children's series by Margaret Peterson Haddix : The Missing, in the second book the children time travel and "alter" time - in doing so they also see what would have been... like ghost shadows on the top of what is happening...

you see how things could have happened like a ghost image on top of what has happened

in the same way i see bubba in our everyday life... i see him running up to bee while playing wii and getting in the circle of his arms to play with

i see him running in the rain and overgrown grass of our yard... running so fast his little body can't keep up and he faceplants on the ground

i wonder if it'll always be like this

will it continue with each child until my house is full of these children who aren't really there

will my never-made memories keep me from enjoying the real ones?

another prayer of a foster parent: belief without sight

John 20:29 NIV
Then Jesus told him, "Because you have seen me, you have believed; blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed."

help me to be like the ones HE speaks of who are blessed because they believe without seeing

help me to believe he is being taken care of and loved
even though i will never hear of or see him again

help me to have faith in YOUR ways in YOUR plan for his life and for mine

Prayer of a Foster Parent

as i sat on the edge of the river... this was my prayer...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Grant me the strength to love
and when the time comes - not a moment before - to let go

Grant me healing
for the children in my home
and for me and mine when they are gone

Grant me fortitude
when the system in bungled and confusing
which is always

Grant me comfort
in the silence that follows
the hectic chaos of a child

Help me Lord to sing with conviction
"It is well with my soul"
even when i want to cry out for the child who has left

Let it not get easier Lord to let go
but Lord let me take comfort in knowing
YOU ARE IN CONTROL

quiet and contemplation

after a week of contemplation and quiet (and a wedding)... there is so much to say... but the words are still stumbling

it's been crazy, and i've had tons of disjointed thoughts and half-writings...

but it's odd to have your life change so suddenly and no real words to describe it, and no way for others to understand or know how to consol...

bubba left at noonish

i thought i'd be ok, we KNEW he wasn't going to be ours... didn't feel like we were the right family... but i could barely talk to the case worker (who asked if i had allergies i was sniffling so bad - seriously?!?!).

i had all his stuff packed up, he even kind of gave me a hug in the last moments (w/o being hysterical - a first and only).

i carried him to the car and snapped him in.

i wanted to say i love you and we are happy for you.

couldn't speak.

i stood on the porch and waved goodbye... the caseworker did the best thing... he reached by and "helped" bubba wave...

and that's the last i saw.

i walked inside... and did the last thing i thought i would do... sat and sobbed... i figured i'd be sad... didn't expect the intensity.

glad for it, because otherwise we shouldn't do it.

since then, i spent the day on the edge of the river contemplating, picked up his stuff from daycare, drove alone across the state for a wedding, fielded tons of questions and sympathetic glances from hubby's family (while trying to turn the attention back to the happiness of the wedding), had more sleep since bubba came, drove back home behind my hubby and son, and now waiting for calls.

we have had 2 fake out placements (we might need you - could you??? - we'll call if we do --- and NO CALL) and we will be doing a respite care for a week in about a week.

the journey continues...

happy-sad

can't quite figure out what to write

it's official

bubba leaves tomorrow, noonish.

court was B-E-H-I-N-D so we got the call at 645ish and he is to be back w/ gma by 4pm.

most likely he'll be picked up around noon.

bee will say goodbye to bubba and then go to vbs with HIS gma who will watch him until she gets the all-clear that bubbs is gone.

sigh...

sadder than i thought i would be (releaved)... and have to admit, it touched my heart to see chef hubby wiping away tears while watching shaun the sheep and having the little man get all snuggly on him.

he's taking the bullet of putting bubba to bed tonight b/c i don't think i could do it.

whose team?

sitting in my front yard reading an old tabletalk - specifically April 2011 - article by RC Sproul Jr titled "the victory parade we don't deserve"

a portion of the article hit me - i will paraphrase:

--- it's not whether or not GOD is on our team, it's are we on HIS.

when we are commanded not to worry it's not necessarily b/c GOD is on "our" side, but if we are passionately pursuing HIS kingdom and working for HIS glory... than how much can it really matter what we are wearing, driving, living in, or even... if we are living? to suffer in HIS work is glory...

as i sit here and wait for the phone call that will most likely remove bubba from our home... i am meditating on this....

yes - it'll hurt - yes - it sucks for us... but i do believe that this is HIS work and for HIS kingdom... so... i'ts not if HE is on "my" side - because in this story... my side does not matter... it is about what is best for bubba and what will bring the most glory to GOD

***
edited and added - link to article: http://www.ligonier.org/learn/articles/victory-parade-we-dont-deserve/

195 -

195. having the laundry done...

196. the ability to cut through the bs and straight up ask the caseworker for clarity about the case

197. that GOD transplanted my anxiety to my husband during visitation on friday (kind of funny to see)

198. fun at the river with friends

199. a good father for my children

200. this sweet boy who is leaving his footprints on our heart

201. his love of reading!

202. friends who even in the midst of their own personal struggles hold us tight in their prayers

random lessons in foster parenting

always have all laundry done...

after 2 weeks of trying to be sure i have had all of bubba's clothes clean i am down to the last two loads... just in time for the court hearing tomorrow.

3 pm.

if things happen when "they" say they will (hahaha... almost hurt myself - rarely do things happen when "they" say)

i realize we have had a longer warning than most, since gma was denied first time.

mr e says the guardian-ad-litem and an investigator are in favor of bubba going to grandma's. but the judge will have the final say.

praise GOD for bubba, seeking HIM for comfort.

reading counterfeit gods with my accountability group.

one of the deep counterfeit gods is power... and in the chapter discussing power this quote by Niebuhr caught my eye...

"95% of what sets the course of their (human's) lives is completely outside their control".

i have never realized truly how little we "shape our own destiny".

learning that now, is truly humbling... and points me to the ONE who is in control. even though the judge will have the final say - GOD will be in control.

but... i will miss this face (if only i could show it all)

teach me charity

we are blessed

so blessed

i try to instill the idea that we have more than we need w/ bee. it's hard b/c like us all he wants more.

one way we have tried to do this is with his birthday party gifts.

i love birthday parties. too much.

i love planning, organizing a theme, coming up with games.

this year was a little more spastic than most, but hopefull it'll come out right.


after his first birthday party i was almost embarrased by the booty the boy brought home.

this little boy who is already doted on and spoiled by both sets of grandparents, great aunts and uncles, and great grandparents.

some of the spoiling is actually a by-product of all the birth issues. my family especially shows love through gifts, and the idea that we will love this special child and "make up for" the loss.

in order to curb the enthusiasm - we do donations, starting with his second bday we have asked people to bring donations to our local children's shelter rather than gifts for bee.


it has been so great to see people turn their love of gift buying into something for others.


we have tried to theme it..

2nd birthday - party theme - bubbles - donations requested - bath supplies - GREAT turn out

3rd birthday - party theme - chicka-chicka boom boom - donations requested - books - kind of a bust - books are pricey

4th birthday - party theme - legos - donations requested - art supplies - awesome turn out - people had tons of un-opened art supplies laying around the house and cheap to pick up

this year

5th birthday... wow can't believe it - our theme - outer space - donations "launch" the kids into a great summer w/ summer necessities - turn out was awesome - and less gifts for bee - a few friends and of course the family still brought things for him - but we actually got more stuff for the kids - AND HE IS COOL WITH IT - better than i expected!

this year has been the hardest in explaining to bee that we do this because he already has more than he needs. he of course could list 100+ things he WANTS but doesn't have. i remind him GOD has gifted us with much - including bee himself, so therefore we want to help others.

this year has been easier in another way. we have bubba. we spoke about how there are not enough families to take in children who need a place to stay, so they have to go to a special place. kind of like school. but they don't get to go home. they don't have a family. we are helping kids like bubba.

even typing this i'm getting misty and just want to scream from the rooftops - BE A FOSTER PARENT....

sigh... back on topic

we take the supplies to the office of the children's shelter (not the shelter itself - the kids are not on display!). bee drops the items off, and then - in true spoiling fashion - we go for ice cream.

when i tell my high school kiddies this - they think we are crazy. i try to encourage them to do the same - to pick their own charity. but, again - i need gets in the way.

truth be told - people still bring gifts. which we are cool with - i will say it's definitely tamed some spending, and some stick to the donation only - more every year.

what's YOUR favorite charity? what's a way you could incorporate charity in your child's life?

this sucks... why do it?

i could answer this - but i would totally be ripping off Tim and Wendy - my foster parenting models

- i have never met them

- someday maybe, but i truly think they have changed many peoples' minds about how foster care works and how to go about doing it...

they are one major reasone we went from considering adoption to doing foster care - with the hope of SOMEday adopting

please listen to this podcast!

http://fosterpodcast.com/2011/05/20/episode-100-doubts-questions-hurdles/

faith and foster care

my faith is growing and being stretched constantly...

especially now...

what does tomorrow hold - only GOD knows.

this funky maybe he will go to grandma's shadow that is over our life...

i just want to know.

bee has been complaining lately of a tummy ache.

and i realized today... my tummy's been hurting since we've been told he might be leaving.

then today a friend posted this on facebook:

Fretting about tomorrow's problems siphons the strength you need for right now

while i can't totally forget about the possibility that bubba could be leaving... it needs not be the center of my focus

i need to prepare for it (laundry, etc) but we need to continue to love on him and work with him as if he were staying.

i need to remember that GOD is in control of everything... and that is what has had me in a tailspin. wanting answers, wanting to control.

i actually googled "when will bubba leave?" i didn't expect answers, but i'm so used to immediate answers, and there are none.

i am not in control... i have to trust HIM

faith stretching... uncomfortable... growing...

mommy

how did this happen???

i am being called in the sweetest most insistent voice to come to the other room...

what word is he using?

MOMMY

not auntie, not may-may...

MOMMY

clear as day

not what my own flesh and blood refers to me as (which is momma - love it)

MOMMY

<<>>

he is so cute and cuddly lately...

love this boy

and i wait for news for him to leave

YOU are faithful

relistening to the steven curtis chapman cd - beauty will rise... i won't go into the full story behind the cd - if you know much about christian music you have heard the story - sweet daughter killed in tragic accident...

today i heard this song again - and it brought out so many feelings ---

i am beginning to grieve the possible upcoming seperation from bubba...

it's hard b/c i don't want to focus on it - but if i ignore it and live in denial it will be even harder if he leaves.

part of it is getting laundry done - sounds so odd to say, but i HATE laundry and very rarely am caught up. now i am trying to go through all the boys' clothes and be sure they are clean so i am not doing laundry late into the night prior to sending him off. in fact we could get VERY short notice (few hours)... so would rather do it now in a calm way than in a spastic crying snotrunning way.

also, as it goes every year at this time... the thoughts of loss surrounding bee's birthday are coming up...

5 years ago... it's crazy! we are just shy of two weeks from his birthday - we will be at a wedding this year (love distractions) but i know i will grieve as i always do... and this milestone bday already makes me a bit weepy...

i love the lyrics of this song b/c it centers me back...

with all this sad sack stuff - i know GOD is in control and HE has a plan...


LYRICS TO YOU ARE FAITHFUL - STEVEN CURTIS CHAPMAN
[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/faithful-lyrics-steven-curtis-chapman.html ]

I am broken, I am bleeding,

I'm scared and I'm confused,
but You are faithful.

Yes You are faithful.

I am weary, unbelieving.
God please help my unbelief!
Cuz You are faithful.

Yes You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!

When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!

You are faithful!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe
You are faithful.

I am waiting for the rescue
that I know is sure to come,
cuz You are faithful.

Yes You are faithful.

I've dropped anchor in Your promises,
and I am holding on,
cuz You are faithful.

God You are faithful.

I will proclaim it to the world.
I will declare it to my heart
And sing it when the sun is shining.
I will scream it in the dark.

You are faithful!
You are faithful!

When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!

You are faithful!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful.
So faithful...

Though I cannot have the answer
that I'm wanting to demand,
I'll remember You are God
and everything is in Your hand.
In Your hands you hold the sun, the moon,
the stars up in the sky,
for the sake of Love, You hung Your own Son
on the cross...to die...

You are faithful...

Yes, You are faithful...

When you give and when You take away,
even then, great is Your faithfulness!
Great is Your faithfulness!
And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe You're faithful!

Oh, oh, oh...

Oh, oh, oh...

When you give and when You take away,
even then still Your name
is faithful!

You are faithful!

And with everything inside of me,
I am choosing to believe...
...You're faithful...