Sunday, June 27, 2010

Lessons I've Learned

1 Thessalonians 5
16Rejoice always; 17pray without ceasing; 18in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Verse 18 is difficult for me - to give thanks in everything (some translations say in all circumstances, whatever happens, etc.)

I should be thankful for my loss, hard to do - but w/ the readings I've been doing lately (Crazy Love, Francis Chan) if I BELIEVE - THEN I SHOULD DO WHAT HE SAYS...

So, yesterday was the anniversary of my "alive" date. The day I almost died. The day of my hysterectomy and my life was truly altered. Why should I be grateful this occurred? What has come of this? It's only been four years, so I am sure that I will see more and more later in life, but for now

- a few things I am grateful to have learned...

38. the meaning of James 4:14 Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.

- a verse I have often heard, the idea that we are not guaranteed tomorrow - there is the cerebral knowledge and the heart knowledge... we never know... have things right with all all the time - for we never know
39. tragedies/traumas/dramas/ are not comparable
- too often life is a competition of "woe is me" - "if you think you have it bad..." that mind set is foolish, grief is grief - end statement, no qualifiers.
40. I can survive (not just physically - but mentally)
- i remember thinking that i could never survive something so horrid as a hysterectomy (actually a few nights before his birth i was overcome by that exact fear - not prophetic - my normal morbid self) i have learned i can survive what i thought was impossible
41. enjoy what you have, do not focus on the grief of what is lost
- while i do believe grief must be processed, FOCUSING on that grief would rob us of joy - i was so focused on B after the first week or so... reminding myself that i had this gorgeous child, that i was to be the best momma possible to him, if i had overly focused on the loss, i would have been suffering a double whammy - losing not only the "dream babies" but his babyhood.

Monday, June 21, 2010

i have a feeling it's going to be a long week

i don't know how single moms do it

of course typically they go to work - i was home all day

my dh is off at a culinary instructor training in Miami and i am home all day w/ the gorgeous child. the first half of the day was great, i was thinking - a snap, i could do this... then naptime and (shock) no nap. he was out of his room every 5 minutes.

when 5 o'clock came and it started to sink in there would be no relief it hit harder --- esp since we were running to 3 stores before getting to my grandparents for dinner. B was an abolute PITA (pain in the a...) the entire time. logically i know he was tired. i know realize i should have had him in the cart, but am realizing we need to break him of riding in the cart since he is 4 AND hopefully this time next year we will have 1 (or 2) lil' ones who need to ride.

i am exhausted - haven't gotten half of what i had planned done and fell a bit defeated. was hoping to get my sis to babysit, but she has a bday party the night i wanted her to come. looking forward to tomorrow and thurs!

i really want to get the house clean before shaun comes home so we can start the summer off right

35. I am not doing this alone usually
- not only is my husband a good dad who does help out (esp bedtime routine), but i have family in town (usually).

- part of my issue today is stayin up late - i love staying up until 2 am - prob is i don't want to get up until AT LEAST 830. Today playhouse disney had my lil man entertained for 3 hours (awful i know) but he woke up at 630 and i was in bed after 2!

37. praise music cd
- i have a generic praise music cd i bought at Target shortly after B was born - very uplifting songs, and have found that i can put it on and get work done... it is a positive "background" instead of the tv going and distracting me

grateful 24 -- 34 father's day

As it is (was) father's day - daddies are the theme for the day Since it is past 2 am as i am typing it will be shortish - no extrememly deep introspection tonight

my dad
24. he didn't suck as much as i thought in high school
- so... as any typical teenager girl thinks - i thought my dad was the worst (not evil - just soooo uncool, unfair and un-understanding, while i do still have a diff. style in parenting - understand him a bit more now and he wasn't as bad as i thought

25. his sense of charity
- while my dad is not an active church member, something that i will always admire about him and a trait that i am thankful to have witnessed (and hope to follow in) is that it is important to help those who cannot help themselves -

26. his desire to "fix" things
- had never realized how much i relied on my dad to fix things,and my absolute faith in him to do so until he couldn't fix things after my hyster. i saw how badly it hurt him NOT to be able to pick up a phone and call a friend or some random connection he had to fix things up. he did call a friend who worked at the hospital and a friend on the board to be sure that i could see B while in the ICU. he may not say - I love you - but i have learned his attempts to fix things for his girls is his way of showing us

my grandpa B

27. that he is still here and B is getting to know him
-  while B isn't quite getting to know the gpa i grew up with, he may remember him... if not i am thankful Gpa is getting to know him

28. his smart ass humor that i have been so blessed as to inherit

29. his love of gardening that i have not inherited
- i love his gardens and hope that B does inherit it


30. his love for Christ that was an example my mother grew up with and therefore what she passed to us
-  some of my earliest memories include him as a deacon at the lil' baptist church in their town, also helping him prepare the communion... at his funeral it was standing room only, and person after person stood to testify how Poppy either led them or others to Christ, or how they witnessed his service to the Lord

31. his absolute love
- Poppy was not my mom's bio-dad, he married my gma when my mom was about 5. Something i hadn't realized until after he passed, was that the best example he gave me was that of adoptive love. he never adopted my mom, but she was her dad - she loved and he loved her and us. he showed me that i will be able to love my next children fully - while knowing it in my mind is one thing - having experienced it myself - i know we can do this

32. random wafts of sweet tobacco
- i am thankful for the scent of sweet tobacco... sounds wierd, but poppy smoked a pipe. my aunt amy(his daughter) and i were at the beach playground w/ our kids and a few tables over someone was smoking a cigar - the scent was sweet and so close to the cherry tobacco - we both noticed. i know he's not "watching" us. but it was great to think of him at that moment as his grandaughter and great grandson were playing together

Gpa A
33. his service to our country
- as i remind my students, our service men and women should be honored, not only do they risk our lives when in active duty, but when training

34. a heritage of faith
- while i never met him since he passed prior to my mom's birth - i did know his parents. super cool people, and i learned much from them - my ggpa had a hilarious sense of humor, served in wwi, and was the child (or grandchild - i forget) of a circuit pastor for the methodist church. i saw faith not only in my mother and her parents, but in the parents of her bio-dad.

Saturday, June 19, 2010

grateful 4-23

to continue...

tonight's theme...
events of the day

4. a friend with a minivan who likes carpooling
- today we went on a field trip with our kiddies - only one in the group has a minivan - and we all fit in - (room for one more in fact, thinking it may not be big enough next summer!) a great way for our kids to learn to get along as they are in cramped quarters and we can't physically intervene

5. playgrounds and 6. cloud coverage
- not only did we go to a super cool playground today, but we also had cloud cover... not only did the boys had a blast on possibly the coolest free playground I have ever seen - but the mommas didn't melt as they played AND the boys could have played longer if the lightening alarms hadn't gone off... ooo...

7. lightening alarms
- love them - lets us know when to be safe - so many people dismiss lightening as such as a nuisance, but it is dangerous!

8. a science museum close by
- not only was it cool that it was close, but that the boys enjoyed it so much

- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... not until I was older did I realize that not everyone eats guava jelly growing up. to me it is one of the best comfort foods - a toasted English muffin, butter, and guava jelly and I am in culinary heaven

10. old fashioned carousels
- do i even need to explain the whimsy and joy they kindle in my heart?

11. that our boys will still hold hands with one another
-they will eventually think it icky to hold hands with one another saying "it's gay" - one of my least fav phrases - but for now they are so sweet and innocent. they hold hands w/ one another - actually fighting over who they want to hold hands with so sweet :)

12. firefighter friends
- while i know you can get a tour from most firehouses even without knowing the people - so much cooler when you do know the person

13. modern paramedic science
- i hope to never ride in an ambulance, but it's nice to know they exist and that they are so capable

14. the funny ax thing (hannigan/halligan???)
- never thought about how firefighters get in to get us out - glad to see how easy it would be!

15. an extra camera battery
- even though i would have gladly stolen L's camera the entire afternoon - glad i had a back up! when we bought the camera w/ the funky battery  one of my "conditions" was that i had to have a back up battery

16. fire hoses
- again, something i hope i will never need but glad to know it exists

17. Air Conditioning
- again - something I don't need to explain - esp since i live in FLORIDA

18. iced chai
- introduced by my illustrious bff --- and soooo great on the aforementioned hot day in florida

19. the sway of the back seat
- a gentle rocking that def knocks out child (and tired momma)

20. LEGOs
- was hoping to hold off using this one - but since i'm doing the day's events - LEGOs that keep my (almost) 4 year old entertained while i get some quite time after a long day... AND he played creatively - not following instructions - he built the playground we had been to (complete w/ lightening alarm!) 

21. braised short rib pasta cooked by chef hubby
- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm one of my newest favs 

22. free gift cards
- i had two gift cards i had gotten in diff ways - used both to buy fathers' day gifts

23. wines with funny names that make you laugh
- Chef Hubby had to buy red wine for the pasta - so i figured i would have a glass while i typed - the name of the wine - Mad Housewife - hope it isn't a symbolic selection!

***TOMORROW"S THEME --- fathers!**** 

Friday, June 18, 2010


Some of my blogging buddies have picked up on a challenge and I am going to tag along...

1000 things I'm grateful for... tonight's theme items on my desk (messy and cluttered as it is)

1. flowers from farmers market in waterford crystal...
- when S & I were married, we had to GO BACK to register for more "nice stuff" for my parents' friends and grandparents' friends to buy us... therefore I have beautiful crystal w/ little money to buy flowers. BUT the beauty of these simple (and long lasting) flowers in the clean lines of crystal next to my monitor reminds me of the family I have to catch us if we need it -  and  that we can support ourselves if we keep it simple and pure

 2. the design of a margarita glass...
- this one sounds odd --- but have you ever looked at the engineering of a margarita glass - it is made so that every sip will have a little piece of the crushed ice

3. old friends 
- i have a stack of photos that I scanned for my oldest friend's 30th bday party (From 2 years ago - wow time to clean off this desk) the photos are from high school and college. While she isn't the strongest Christian, she definitely kept my feet on the straight and narrow in high school. When the fear of God was far from my heart, I would be worried about letting her down. The ONE party I went to in high school (ironically - margaritas were there) - I bent to some peer pressure and tried something I wish I hadn't. She found out and all but kicked my butt. In no uncertain terms she told me if I EVER pulled that again we were done as friends. Never touched the stuff again (hadn't found much attraction in it any way). I miss her like anything, she isn't able to come down alot, her younger sister lives with her so if I could go up - no place to stay... but I know this is one season in our lives and we will reconnect again.

more later...

Friday, June 4, 2010

Sometimes I feel like I'm being teased...

I truly believe in the providence of God. I believe He has things happen for a reason and that He has a certain time line.

Today I feel teased by the what ifs...

This year B will turn 4. If things had worked out the way we had planned before he was born, I would be pregnant now. I would be either due late this summer or early fall.

Today I am ovulating --- how can I tell - b/c it hurts like a son of a gun. (Yes the Dr's left the ovaries after the hysterectomy so as not to throw me into menapause before 30). It's such a tease to know I am "fertile" but just can't carry a child.

If our original foster care plan had panned out, we would be waiting for a placement. We decided after much prayer (and tears) that we are not financially in the right place. Next year (come hell or high water) we will do placement.

So today, as I am home sick with my cute and cuddly almost four year old, I get an email from my mom (who only means the best) about a friend of hers. Her friend has just adopted an infant from foster care, and apparently she posted on facebook that the social workers are frantically looking for placement for FIVE infants - including a set of twins (one of my dreams).

I feel like I'm being teased. Having both of these happen on the same day is just mean!!!! I must have faith in Him and His timing. And in the meantime... I will re-read the Discipline of Grace chapter on adversity.

God has picked my children, he knows their name, when they will be concieved and born. I have to trust...