Monday, August 30, 2010

thankful 62-69

62. pecan encrusted grouper w/ citrus beurre blanc made by my chef-hubby

63. the ability to drag my touchas out of bed even when i am exhausted

64. that even though my 4 year old couldn't behave ALL DAY... he somehow pulled it together to be an angel at my grandparents

65. a case of MOUNTAIN DEW so i can continue to survive teaching 4 blocks

66. teaching 4 blocks - exhausting but a big bump in pay

67. getting a pay check

68. being able to turn down extra pay because i would rather keep my thursdays free to be w/ my accountability people

69. exhaustion that'll pass... and because of it... debt that will be paid off

Monday, August 23, 2010

first day back

4 blocks

99 students

B lunch (a lunch in the middle of a class - crazy)

barely awake

1 day down - 179 to go!

Monday, August 16, 2010

first days tug

today was the first day of work for hubby and self after our fabulous summer vacay

we are both h.s. teachers - it's great for schedule, can be draining to see some of the worst of our civilization rear it's ugly heads in how students "turn out"

the bummer of having a summer off, is that it ends. it sounds odd, but summer is so great that when it ends, it sucks. it's like seeing a glimpse of something awesome and then woosh ---- gone

i love the time i have with B during the summer, spending time with friends and family, naps (oh glorious naps), sleeping in, staying up late, not be continuously exhausted

the best is the time i spend with B - i love playing with him, reading, watching his mind tick as he plays with numbers and words, knowing who he is playing with, guiding his growth, etc

today i picked him up from his first day of daycare, was told he had a good day... and then tattled on himself in the car. he made a new friend and he and the new friend decided to tease another girl. that they weren't her friend and then they told her they were going to surf on lava and throw her in. he told me he said sorry, but i don't know. i'm sure it's normal playground teasing - i'm glad he told me - hope he really apologized, but upset with the teasing - don't know if he instigated it or his "new friend".  it sounds like something he could come up... just not a fan of him teasing. he sort of was a bully last year and was hoping we had worked this issue out. i was hoping it had clicked that it's not ok to be mean to others. i didn't want to hammer him on being mean - but we talked about it for a few minutes. i asked how he would feel if someone said they wanted to surf on lava and throw him in. he said he would not like it. i reminded him we are supposed to love one another as we love ourselves, and that means that we shouldn't do something to someone that would make us sad if someone did it to us. hopefully it'll click - mean kids are not fun, and i see how they are once they hit high school - and it gets ugly

anyway - should be working on syllabi and/or sleeping!

Friday, August 13, 2010

Big Day Big Changes

AKA - Be Careful what you pray for = you just might get it

AKA - Secrets Suck

AKA - How quickly life changes w/ in 12 hours

AKA - I will actually post about today on Monday when I am out of sworn secrecy on 2 major life changes ugh

Thursday, August 12, 2010

grateful 51-61

51. for unexpected 4th block teaching for hubby and self - equaling extra money not expected

52. a father who calls me w/ adoption tips... he's thinking about it, he knows it's our reality

53. the miracle of getting my house in order out of no where so my small group could meet

54. a husband who will take the child out for a bike ride while i watch WEST WING

55. pedicures

56. massages

57. the fact that i got a pedicure and a massage FOR FREE this week thanks to a dear friend and my gma!

58. kids who were quiet today while we prayed and met

59. friends w/ gentle hearts who cry at movies (even when i don't understand why :))

60. mountain dew... mountain dew to counteract benadryl :))))))

61. a little boy who LOVES wearing his cowboy boots (with shorts while bike riding)

Sunday, August 8, 2010


we aren't supposed to post about things like family being out of town but... ahhhhhh... this is awesome and weird!

Daddy and son went out of town to visit Daddy's family. I have been apart from my son a few times, but only once before has he left and I have stayed here. BOTH times have been to visit the inlaws. Last time I didn't go because I had JUST gone back to work, this time because I am teaching a seminar for social studies teachers and smartboards for my county. (don't be too impressed all of 8 teachers are coming ;))

What to do... well --- I had to go grocery shopping. I am NOT the cook in the household - hubby is. So... I picked up stouffer's mac and cheese to cook up and some diced ham to add... that should get me through the two nights I have to make dinner, and then I contemplated buying ice cream... and Winn Dixie had Ben & Jerry's was buy one get one!!! woo hoo - contemplation over

There is an odd peace being in my house alone. I will clean a little, organize alittle, work (boo!), get a massage (thanks to gma), a pedi (thanks to a friend), go to dinner and a movie w/ a friend --- woot woot

Crazy to think how excited I am to have two nights all to myself! The gentle joys of motherhood :)

Friday, August 6, 2010


so... here's hoping... i said the same thing last year and things fell through - so i am tempted to keep quiet as in a traditional pregnancy... but 9-10 mo's from now maybe we will be adding to our family!

we SHOULD be taking our classes for foster care in January and hope to be taking in kids next May or June.

i'm getting the really excited/scared feeling that i got last year at this time - may babies may be out there - OR someone is probably at least preggy w/ my baby

it's a scary feeling - what is happening to them RIGHT NOW??? as a clear marking of the difference between men and women --- it's not so much on the hubby's mind

VBS was at our church this week, tonight was the dessert reception to bring in the non-church families. I was blessed to run into a former church member who has traveled this road. she said she and her hubby were the same way. she couldn't help but think of the kids - but he was not consumed the same way.

We spoke for a while and she said she felt like the little bird in Dr. Seuss's "Are you my mother?" but she would see kids on the fost-adopt list and think "are you my daughter?"

I'm praying for my babies' safety - and will start including them in our nightly prayers... all i can do for now - trust them to GOD and prepare for the day that they will join us

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

"Immersion Therapy"

I was watching tv (shocker) the other night and there was a joke about immersion therapy... I laughed, and then realized ---> I had completed my own version of immersion therapy.

After B was born and we were dealing with the fallout of an emergency hysterectomy. I continually thought about how much it sucked and how badly I wanted to hide from women who were either new mommas or newly pregnant, etc. etc. So... what did I do??? Hung out with mommas and went to hospitals and watched births. YES... after a freakish complication nearly killed me... I surrounded myself with birth.

Did it work? I think so. I still feel a bit ill when I visit the maternity ward (esp. where B was born). But not to the degree that I have heard other women discuss on the yahoo group.

When my son was 6 mos old, my bff had her first child. I remember her sitting and holding my hand and trying not to cry while I was in ICU. She helped me pump (how awkward). She dealt with the absolute fear of almost losing me while 3 months pregnant herself. I remember driving up to her birth (actually one of her false alarms) and praying for everyone involved. I prayed for the person who cleaned the equipment, the nurse who would put in the needles, every little thing. When she went in for her scheduled c-section (after 3 false alarms), I sat in the waiting room and did the same thing. I read my Bible and prayed. I think her mom thought I was a bit nuts, but I was able to stave off an anxiety attacks I may have had otherwise. I was able to see her son shortly after he was born and feel happiness OVER the sadness. The sadness was there, but the happiness at her health and the joy of that sweet boy overrode it.

When B was 16 mos old,  I was so blessed as to be able to witness the birth of one of my prayer partner's second child. She invited several of us to be with her and be her support. It was an awesome experience and quite healing to see it all go right. 16 months earlier I couldn't have imagined myself doing it, but I did. I will say as a warning, I feel an intense responsibility and love for that little boy --- so to witness a birth is not something to go into lightly.

For those of you out there dealing with any kind of birth trauma --- I would highly suggest going along the same route - don't avoid it - dive right in! Maybe not attending actual births, but visiting new mommas and babyshowers, etc. If we avoid them, then they only get harder as time goes on. Pray the whole way, and have the support system I talked about earlier - and you will make it too.

***disclaimer -- I am not a professional therapist --- ask yours for advice, this is what worked for me

Sunday, August 1, 2010

How to Survive

For those of you who have found this blog and are members of this oh-so-fun club of pph survivors and hysterectomies...

Find support... on line and in real life...

How did I do it?

Online support
1. --- this is the first group I joined. They are EXTREMELY active. I love this group - but there are some women who are quite angry, understandably so. I followed it for a while, but dropped out after a year or so. you have to write a letter explaining your experience - they try to keep wackos out. it was great just to know i wasn't the only one.

2. facebook (search pph survivors) - great way to get connected with some women who have been through the same - i started this when i was (mistakenly) not accepted to the other group. so far you just have to request to join - if there starts to be crazies - it'll be rougher to get in, but hopefully not. through this i have actually MET someone - and was interviewed for a study.


This has proven to be most important, I was so  blessed to have some awesome women come into my life just as I was beginning my journey as a mother.

I started off by surrounding myself with people. By the time B was 3 or 4 months old, I had joined a playgroup, was (still) running a girls' bible study, and attending women's bible study at my church. By the time he was 6 months old I had also joined an accountability group. This started with 4 women. Currently (yes currently 3 1/2 years later) there are 3 women. We share our life with one another, pray, do bible study (when the kids aren't screaming), etc. We actually just went on a week long journey together to Tennessee with our boys. woo hoo!

By surrounding myself with other women in the midst of motherhood I learned that there are problems for everyone. I have learned not to compete with tragedy. Just because they aren't going through "what I went through" doesn't mean I can't learn from them and they from me. It doesn't mean I can't hurt for them as they do for me.

Pregnancy sucks for some people - birth sucks for some people - and post partum sucks for some people.

Just because I had a hyster, just because baby showers and pregnancies, and other things sometimes (less than it used too!!!) are like a big ole sucker punch. Doesn't make other people's suckiness less sucky for them.

By joining with these women and supporting each other through life... I have continued to live!

Vacation Hangover... aka Momma needs a drink

Uggg... recovering from a vacation is reminding me of a hangover... complete with nausea and headache.

I'm so tired, but can't sleep... nausea from eating junk food (slim jims aren't what they used to be). I am also dealing w/ a caffeine withdrawal headache.

I ended up taking a "big" vacation this summer - had sworn I wouldn't as we are saving money for our much anticipated and promised room enclosure. (our closest friends know this was SUPPOSED to happen a year and a half ago --- but keeps getting pushed back). Anyway - a close friend's hubby decided to send us all (3 mommas + 4 boys) to Chattanooga. A great blast but thoroughly exhausting!

Coolidge Park, Walking Bridge, Sculpture Garden, Children's Museum, Moonpies, Incline Railway, Point Park, Covenant College, dinner with a cool family, super cool Pumpkin Park, and much much more!

Yesterday we drove 14 hours to get home - luckily no meltdowns!

The trip was great bonding for our boys - and the mommas bonded over the experience - not a ton of conversation (hard to talk around 4 boys), but I love the analogy I've heard of Jesus and his apostles --- he asked them to go fishing. Lots of time spent together not necessarily talking. True friendships are built not only on the occasional deep convo - but time spent together. The mommas definitely spent some time in the trenches together and I look forward to some time to swap war stories at another date!

Today is recovery, and slowly withdrawing from caffeine... but for now --- momma needs a drink - of mountain dew to chase off this minimigraine!