Monday, December 31, 2012

Lost sock

I love ruffled socks. Found one in the dryer. 2 months later.


Wednesday, December 19, 2012

crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreak

maybe the door hasn't slammed shut....

might see babies on saturday....

had great convo w/ biodad....


Sunday, December 16, 2012

I texted

I caved. Friday watching news and having my heart break I texted. Just a short text. "Watching news. Sending kids extra hugs". No response. Why are they shutting us out now?????

Thursday, December 13, 2012

i will not text

iwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparentsiwillnottextbioparents



Tuesday, December 11, 2012

slammed doors

i am not one for subtlety

i am not one to catch a hint

HE knows this

doors do not shut on opportunities they SLAM shut

if i had been in the never never land of secondary infertility i would have tons of excuses continually to ever start fostering - so, GOD slammed the door shut on my being able to birth a second child the old fashioned way....

i think we are having another door slammed...

the door to the bears....

since the random getting to see them - no texts... no pictures... i called to set up the visit - and it fell through...

praying i get to see them for a few moments the saturday before christmas so i can give the family their gifts... and to soak the sight of them in just one... more... time

praying my boy can see them again... have told them that we MIGHT get to see them but that parents could change their minds... now that i think the parents have changed their minds... my heart breaks...

i feel like they have just left all over again... but i can't shake it...

the grief is physical... my stomach constantly hurts... just on this side of nauseous for the past 48 hours since the thought of this door being slammed came to me...

i know that this will be what we need to eventually move forward and make room in our lives and hearts for new children...

but for now... i grieve the loss of the relationship i had so hoped for

Friday, December 7, 2012

Bummed

Hopes were high for a gathering this weekend and as tomorrow gets closer and I hear nothing my hopes sink. Good thing I never told bee. But he keeps asking when he can see baby bear :(

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Missing them

On our way to community group we drove by the babies daycare. First time since they left. Just a few tears, missing them more than usual.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

No news=good news????????????

Haven't heard from bear parents since Wednesday. 4 days no biggie. But no thanksgiving text. I sent them one. No response to a text on Black Friday (saw a deal on something they need) praying no news is good.

Also feeling guilty about how much I love the peace and quiet and easier travel of 1 child.

Tuesday, November 20, 2012

CLOUD 9

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

better than dark chocolate, better than a good margarita or a glass of red wine.. better than that fabulous feeling right before you drift off to sleep...

holding my sweet little man...

got a surprise phone call today... turns out kids have been sick for a week and parents have been stressed out

mom called asking for help... hard for her

as a precaution - i won't give cash... but asked her what they needed... drove it out... had planned on dropping off stuff at the door and leaving (didn't think they would be home)...

parents called as i was getting ready to leave - they told momma bear that i was there and they wanted me to wait...

she ran up grinning ear to ear - Auntie M Auntie M... big hugs... sweet happy girl...

then their Mommy came around from the van... and he saw me - my sweet baby bear - he practically leaped out of her arms to see me... Mommy smiled at his eagerness... she handed him to me and he snuggled in right to his spot... that spot every small child has on the ones they love... he snuggled in... then perked up - looked at me as if to check it was really me and snuggled in again.

we went inside and i spent 20 minutes hugging babies... sweet momma bear asked after bee...  baby bear even let me sit down as he snuggled on me (usually he would want down if you sat down)... i put him down to see him toddle around... so sweet... he would toddle away and then come back and lay his head on my lap...

then i got out of their hair so kids could do their routines for bedtime...

parents were so awesome - thanking me over and over again... but not in a weird way... just right...

i can't even begin to explain how wonderful i feel - the worry is relieved - also found out some of the info we had was flawed - parents doing well...

so thankful :)


Sunday, November 18, 2012

One week

Since I have gotten a picture. 5 days since a text. Worrying

Privacy

One of the hardest things about fostering is maintaining confidentiality. Esp when it impacts us. Having issues now where things are rough. Putting on happy face, answering questions as best I can. I didn't do as well with keeping info quiet and regretted it. Not everyone understands the ins and outs of addiction or the trials of poverty.

Saturday, November 17, 2012

New torture

Cute baby same age as bear ahead of me in long line. Cooing just like him. Ugh

Wednesday, November 14, 2012

Dollar store

Stopped to pick up school stuff

Somehow everything reminded me of the babies and how they won't be with us for the holidays.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

I will respect their choice

Very bummed. Not seeing babies THIS weekend. 3 more weeks. Don't know why. It's cool.

Desperately missing the baby.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

How things are different

How are things different?

The time it takes to get in the van with one 6 year old is vastly shorter than the time it takes with 3 children!

Saturday, November 10, 2012

maybe...

might get to see the babies in a week...

maybe...

hoping it's the right choice... hubster worried it might make it worse for us... thinking it will be best for them...

cannot wait to hug and kiss them...

it's our first weekend without them and not 1000 other things to do... at home... cleaning, organizing and feeling their absence in a new way

Thursday, November 8, 2012

So much for the do not call list

Got a call today for a newborn. So glad it went to voicemail. Hard to say no but I know it's for the best

Tuesday, November 6, 2012

missing little things

Heaven is a sweetmaple syrup kiss. And a thousand other little things I miss with her gone.

love love this song...

when i would drop off the babies i would put them in their little seats at daycare and ping-pong kissing them back and forth... they would be sticky from their waffles and syrup that chef hubby would have packed them for breakfast...

missing them more and more as time goes on...

helps that i've been getting random picture texts saying hi and love you but still --- just want to HOLD them...

Monday, November 5, 2012

well technically you can kiss my grits

have been meaning to post and time is flying by - somehow more busy with only one child (we are out of the house as much as possible)

last tues was parent teacher conference and had an interesting conversation with my son's new weekly pull out teacher... i was trying to let her know he was grieving the kids leaving - and she kept saying stuff about how it would be hard for him to adjust to kids as an only child

ONLY CHILD?!?!?! i'm sorry - i didn't realize someone who has had TWO siblings for over 16 months would be considered an ONLY CHILD (forget the fact that he had a little bro for a month and a half before that....)

i was grumbling about it the next day at work and the psychology (PSYCHOLOGY) teacher looked at me and said - well he is TECHNICALLY an only child...

my response was... no - not really... even his therapist has said he is not an only child...

erg

erg

erg

technically my @$$


Friday, October 26, 2012

an analogy

i think i have decided the best thing to compare my current emotional state is a recent empty nester...

while my nest is not empty (busy bee will always be here) - i feel peaceful with them being where they are - but miss them like crazy --- i get giddy from the picture texts and random phone calls... but at times relieved by my newly freed schedule and less day-to-day grind and worry

Thursday, October 25, 2012

one week

it has been a week since i have tucked her babies into bed and gave them a kiss good night...

it has been a week since i read them their bedtime story and snuggled with them after their bath...

i can't believe it...


it's been harder and easier than i thought... i miss them...

Tuesday, October 23, 2012

re-entry approaching

tomorrow i go to work for the first time since the kids went home...

it will be odd...

Monday, October 22, 2012

holidays

holidays kinda suck when you are down 2 babies...

i love the season but everywhere i turn i see cute dresses, outfits for sibling sets, etc....


how it all went down

found out Thursday at the staffing that the kids would just stay after visitation (no call on Wednesday as had been promised - not surprised)

took the day off of work so we could pack the kids up and take them to mommyanddaddy's.

drove by their daycare to drop off flowers and say thank you.

we have been so blessed to have an AWESOME daycare that takes the ELC funding... except for one odd exception - we and the kids have been treated with such respect and love.

momma bear's teacher will probably have the hardest time with this whole adjustment (outside the family)

almost every teacher came to say goodbye. baby bear had been one of the first babies they had since opening a baby room... so he had a special place in their hearts. momma bear's personality is so big and bubbly and want to help that she had become quite popular as well....

we drove the kids to their parents and did a fast drop off... hugs hugs and gone....

mom reminding me we can call ANYTIME to check on the babes...

have gotten texts everyday - and even a call checking on us... picture texts came through (still don't know how that happened - but so happy)

this weekend has been full of shopping and birthday parties - it didn't seem too different from a visit weekend. until sunday night... and then this morning... getting ONE ready for school...

still on funky time... hubs and i going to court to hear the official ruling on reunification (and sneak a peak, sniff and hug from the babes)...

tomorrow i have taken off of work for some me time...

wednesday will be full force back to our new normal schedule...

i can only imagine how awkward work will be... friends at church on sunday giving us the smile and nod, telling us we are in their prayers - the right things... but still so odd...

Saturday, October 20, 2012

they are home...

more details later...

but we have gone from a household of 5 to a household of 3...

so odd...

Wednesday, October 17, 2012

failure to communicate - AGAIN

warning - rant -

soooo --- ever wonder why there aren't MORE foster parents who do several placements???? b/c they get tired of getting SCREWED by the caseworker...

the caseworker has NOT called me back

why am i stressed??? because via a phone conversation w/ biodaddy (if you are a foster parent - you need to check out google voice - free confidential number) led me to a piece of important info...

forget WAITING until court to transfer the kids - they will just stay after visit an extra day.

in other words they will (most likely) be LEAVING for good in less than 48 hours

case worker still hasn't told me - i called him and he said he had to talk to the legal team - but it was HIS idea and HE was trying to get it to work... but did NOT tell me.

ugh ugh ugh

Wednesday, October 10, 2012

she has no idea

momma bear has been so excited to go live with her mommy and daddy ---

but i don't think she gets how much will change...

new school - new friends - new church

driving home from their daycare she was in the back saying "auntie auntie... i want ashee, i want gamma, i want poppa"

my eyes filled with tears and i fought hard to keep the car between the yellow lines...

"ok baby --- auntie will call.... maybe they'll come to dinner tomorrow"

they will...

but how many more times will they get to see them...

we are hoping to see them again after they go home - but will my family - my friends who are like family? maybe but not very likely....

last night i was overcome with sadness (blame that song by taylor swift) --- but i spent a good hour just steadily crying... not the ugly cry --- but tears pouring as i did my end of night chores... and since, it's been more and more...

every hug is savored every kiss every moment (even in the midst of some fits and such - adjustments are so hard for these small ones)

----sadsadsad----- happy for them

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

on a positive note

the trip to the parents had MUCH more positive --- and really even dad's eagerness to have kids come home should be seen as a positive...

POSITIVES:
* certain supervision provisions were OBVIOUSLY in place (whew!)
* kids had been crafting it up over the weekend - their mommy proudly showing off the art they had just done (realized later b/c we had sent the supplies :))
*cute little old school chairs being decaupauged with things the kids love and their names...
* all the art i sent about 6 months ago was hung up all over mommabear's room... HE had saved it!
* tons of pictures in frames - frames i sent, frames i didn't send - but all over i could see photographs that i had sent being honored and respected --- and from the beginning of their time with us showing me they've been held onto
* cupcakes proudly made and offered - at first i thought cute and sweet - my husband saw that they had payed attention to how much a certain lil' girl loves to cook --- that meant the most to him...
* a brand new baby kitten --- baby bear loves our cat and dog - warmed my heart to know he will have a pet...
* their daddy being so grateful for the van full of their belongings and continually thanking me for loving his kids and telling me that they want us to stay involved ---- i know that could change --- but for now i have that to hold onto...
*momma bear not wanting to leave... she really wants to be home with them --- happysad
* a clean house full of love with a big yard for them to play
*watching their daddy run up and down the street after brother bear on his bike... seeing a proud daddy and something i haven't seen in him before...

i think they're going to make it... i pray they do --- but now --- i really think they can do it...

happyhappysadhappy


Monday, October 8, 2012

random moments that hit hard

folding laundry... realizing i will either see them where it once more --- or be packing it...

sniffing clean baby after bath...

Sunday, October 7, 2012

so they'll be at court right?

had a great experience picking up the kids from their parents today ---- a lot of positive things happened... will post later

the only hiccup for me was one thing...

daddy asking what to expect at court (don't even get me started on how the lawyers drop the ball there in my opinion - i SWEAR they only see their clients in court)...

he then asked if we would have the kids there at court - if they would come home right away --- asked like an excited little boy waiting for Christmas morning...

i said i didn't know - that the case worker told me that it would happen by the end of that week (didn't include the part where caseworker said if parents INSIST it could be at court that day)

sad heart --- on one hand it would be good b/c it would be DONE... on the other it's my mommy's bday and would love the kids to spend time with her one more time on that day (we don't see them during the weekend b/c of visitation) that and one of my closest friends - who has loved on the babies more than anything.... will be out of town for the next 2 weeks - will come back the day after court... she has said her sort of goodbyes - but praying she will get one more hug...

will know more on the final staffing i attend the thursday before court...

2 more weeks and it might be done....


Wednesday, October 3, 2012

So how are you doing???

with reunification close to happening ----- i get this question often

better and worse than i thought...

not a complete mess all the time but sad.... just sad... alot.... almost all the time... and grouchy

i want to soak in every moment with my babies.... but at the same time i absolutely cannot stand momma bear...

like a typical almost 3 year old she is confused... so f*&*ng confused.

she gets home from her weekend visit and pushes me away - won't snuggle or hug... she doesn't want to play with me

but within 24 hours when i get her out of bed she is hugging me so tight --- and then within an hour she ends up pushing me away again... it's hard it's so hurtful - it's exhausting

just before getting in the car most mornings i have to fuss at her for something --- so most drives to drop her and baby bear of at daycare - she screams and cries the WHOLE way... HALF AN HOUR

packing up their stuff is good b/c it gets me ready and gets stuff out of the house - but is so depressing...

sometimes i feel as if this is more than i can take --- but i know HE is using this to bring me closer to HIM - couldn't do it otherwise




Sunday, September 30, 2012

what we have here is a failure to communicate

on my way to parent teacher conferences in our rural area.... i get a phone call from daycare

"you do know the kids are still here??? they were not picked up for visitation" - daycare director

"oh... my... no... i didn't - i will call my husband and he'll be there as soon as possible - i am so sorry" - me

"we realize now you must not have known... you never leave the kids this late" - understanding director...


---- deep breaths - frantic call to husband - who frantically leaves to get two confused babies -----

---- more deep breaths --- call to case worker

"i just want to make sure you are aware we had no idea kids didn't have visitation today" - me

"oh, ms. xxx (transporter) told me she told you when she talked to you about the weekend visit" - caseworker

"weekend visit?!?!" - me

"oh, um, you didn't know???"


and that's how i found out that the babies started their weekend long visits - it didn't start w/ a one night sleepover like we anticipated - but a full blown weekend...

babies picked up from school at 2 on friday - back to our house on Sunday at 2... 48 hours without my sweet babies... with less than 24 hours notice... no time to pack them - to prepare my heart or my son's.

and suckage ontop of suckage - i hadn't even gotten to put them to bed that night...

oh yeah - and talking to transporter - she swears she NEVER told the caseworker she told me about the visit....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Sunday, September 23, 2012

less than a month and counting?????

reality starting to sink in.

sent four boxes of stuff with them to their visit yesterday - some of their favorite types of toys that we have duplicates of.

voice of transporter echoing in my ears --- warning that whatever we sent may be sold for cigarette money... not by HER but by HIM

praying it isn't so... unless it really is more than they need... or at the time when they have grown out of it...

sending stuff anyway - my heart says its theirs - it goes with them.

the four boxes barely put a dent in the massive amount of stuff the kids have accumulated in the past 15 months.

also getting rid of some of our kiddie plastic dishes - we have tons and our bee can use big boy dishes now.

this week the homestudy was approved - a big accomplishment. visits can happen in the home now.

overnights start in 2 weeks probably.

still feels surreal.

starting to prep bee - but cautiously - part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop - for some set back that puts it off another month.


Wednesday, September 12, 2012

song of grief

heard this song for the first time today....

cried the ugly cry hard for the first time about the fact that they will be leaving soon.

the lyrics hit so close even though our story is not the same...

so many parts of it are so close...

most likely court in late october... they will go home before halloween...

Taylor Swift: Ronan

was thinking i was going to be able to do this handle it until after they were gone... flood gates have been opened... heart hurts so bad 

Friday, September 7, 2012

random tears at publix - again - same one

talked to case worker... called about something else - but in truth wanted to see if he knew court date (court cancelled due to storm)

he acted all shocked and told me he JUST found out it is on Monday (as in it's Friday today - and the weekend - then court - CRAP) reports will be good but no technical paper work is done.. (of course not)... but biofam doing better

yay

also had our quarterly inspection - and reminded AGAIN that when momma bear turns 3 baby bear must be moved in our state children cannot share room w/ opposite gender after age of 3. big stressor for us

stopped at publix with momma bear on the way home to do some grocery shopping



she was miss chatty kathy in the store - getting lots of awwww how cute glances...

woman asked me how old she was, smiled and told her in about a month she would be three... big smile from woman - and from momma bear... woman told her happy almost birthday...

i choked back some tears and said thank you... told momma bear "come with auntie let's go" and quickly walked off... could feel the tears starting... was able to hold them off, but was overwhelmed in the moment.

should be so excited about her birthday, maybe bittersweet on her getting older, etc... but i felt devastated in the moment

don't want her to turn 3 in our home, but not ready for her to be gone in just over a month

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

conundrum

we took little ones on purpose

no room sharing for big boy...

didn't want him to deal with that transition...

took these babies b/c we never thought they would be hear this long... and then LEAVE

now...

she is turning 3...

rules rules rules...

baby bear has to be kicked into bee's room...

now my big boy has to
1. share his room
2. get used to baby bear being there
3. get reused to him NOT being there when they leave



TORTURE...

hoping more and more they go home before her bday

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

thanks punchbowl...

got a reminder today from punchbowl... "don't forget to plan MOMMA BEAR'S birthday party"

ugh

will need to remember to go and unset those once the babies go home - and unexpected reminder of such times.

i want to plan her party - but still not 100% sure of what our schedule will be like...

and those who know me know i LOVE to plan birthday parties...

throwing together something at the last minute is not my cup of tea...

OH MY GRAVY! that has to be her theme ---- a cup of tea party! she loves playing tea party...

now how to go about it... who to put on the invite list...

do i invite bio fam out here??? do i throw a party there and invite friends???

do i do a party here and not include her bio fam????

reunification so close but so far...

questions questions

Thursday, August 30, 2012

staffing

what is a permanency staffing...

well...

it's like an IEP meeting (individualized educational plan) but for the parents.

all interested parties are there (minus lawyers - unless they can all be present)

we had a permanency staffing today...

moving forward to reunification - if daddy hadn't slipped... they would be recommending reunification now

but... he did

we are still moving forward... they will hope seriously look at a new home study... and one of the workers (i think a head case manager type) encouraged parents to bring as much paperwork as possible so she could have all the info...

they are hoping to start overnight visits soon.

speaking of HOME...

GOD's mighty hand shook things up... the previous (icky) home of the parents got flooded during some heavy rains... (which caused court to be cancelled) and now they are in a nice duplex...

how do i know...

i drove the parents home today... (after making sure at least 2 people knew what i was doing).

it's clean, it's nice, it's small...

i can see my babies there... i can see them playing in the yard... i can see them thriving... thankful for that gift.

Monday, August 27, 2012

court cancelled

UGH

today was supposed to be court - if you are a foster parent these days are dreaded but anticipated... a day of possible answers or at least a clarification...

but due to a pesky lil' stormed called isaac... i got a good 20 minutes into my commute and it was cancelled...

i took off work - got a sub - got the call just as classes were starting - didn't want to put the sub out of the $70 she expected to make - now i will have to take another day off another time....

i am so disappointed, frustrated, and i want to scream.... can't do anything about it and it's hard to explain... we are so close to the end (i think?!?!?!) the delay is frustrating.... can't imagine how the parents must feel...


Saturday, August 25, 2012

quieter days

along with moving towards reunification... visitation has been notched up...

kids are now gone until bedtime on Thursdays and from 10:45-6:45 on Saturdays.

i miss family time because we are also back at work so we don't really see them. what is nice is we have time to clean up and rest from all our crazy days.

i have realized though i haven't taken as many pictures... trying to make the time we have with them more intentional.. so hard when i am just starting up the school year and worn out, but these are our last days. but dinner is becoming a time to work together and have fun... calzones from pinterest - mmmmm




part of me is tempted to continue picking them up later from daycare so our time is less.... it's the pull of the end time... either soak up the time... or start pulling away...

baby bear is getting so cute - he is entering the fun phase --- he is 15 months old now and discovering so much...

momma is entering the almost 3 year old phase which is rough... but i have learned how to handle her.

we finally are in a good routine... the dust is settling... and it's about to get kicked up again as they leave.

court monday so we will see what new thing is added. probably more visitation... more time to learn living without them.

sometimes it doesn't seem real - it feels more like an odd split custody of sorts - some funky divorce settlement... but soon the reality will sink in...


Sunday, August 19, 2012

one of my worst fears



This post on FOSTERHOOD has smacked me in the face. It is one of the things I have worried about with what to send home with the bears... but I had never imagined it on this level. Makes me kind of sick...

Tuesday, August 7, 2012

summer is over... for me

tomorrow i get up bright and early... get babies dressed and out the door...

and go back to school...

summer is over for our local teachers...

bee has one week left - which means camp grandma...

for me it's full time back to work with getting my classroom organized, paperwork done, and the impending doom i always feel the first week...

i love teaching - but not the "job" stuff that goes with it... politics, etc. etc. etc.

in the summer i can pretend i am a home schoolin' momma...

now the reality comes forth of life...

the list of stuff we were to do over the summer is shorter - but not complete...

here's to next summer...

lookin' forward to it!

Monday, August 6, 2012

pinterest fail....

MAJOR FAIL - coffee scrub.... i only had a few ingredients around the house... also didn't do the honey (but realize that wouldn't have fixed my biggest issue)....

olive oil is stinky...

and my bathtub looks greasy....

sigh....

my vision of coffee aroma-ed heaven ---- looked like a dirty oil spill....

and in my moments of peace... i heard bee walk into sleeping pink-eyed baby bear's room... HI BABY! surprise! he's awake! ugh....

Thursday, August 2, 2012

unexpected admiration

i admire her...

MOMMY...

there were some surprises as i had been warned...

daddy screwed up... again... pretty big... and mommy didn't know...

but she held it together...

i had a vision of myself if it had happened to me... think lil' old southern woman going after bully with her purse... lots of angry words... that would have been me

SHE KEPT CALM...

a report someone else gave... stating they wanted another six to eight months of growth on her part....i almost fell over... she stood strong...

she had to answer her kids questions... and she did... in a way that was semi-honest (not actual lies)... and honoring to the man who had just let them all down...

she had to say good bye to her kids again... put them in my vehicle...

i don't know how she does it...

praying for her continued progress...

hoping for it all to work -

HE will complete that good work HE has begun in her...

Sunday, July 29, 2012

masochist

so... as one to inflict pain on myself... i keep finding myself looking on zulily.com and pinterest for cute girlie stuff... birthday, halloween, christmas... when she should be gone...

trying sooooooooo hard not to plan her bday party in my head! (those who know me well know i start planning bee's birthday party the day after the last!)

person of interest

that is me...

in the case of the bears i am considered a person of interest...

as in... i have the RIGHT TO KNOW wtf ('scuse my french) is going on...

i say this b/c i had to remind someone of this recently... she is still holding back some info stating i'll learn in court...

NOT where i like to find stuff out... i have a very expressive face... and the bears are required to attend with us tomorrow... change in fl law about the presence of foster kids in court...

ugh...

sounds like issues in the bioparent world...

i hate to hear this at all... but my prayer is that if things implode... they implode sooner than later.... especially prior to the kids going home...

praying an implosion would force progress

court in the morning for this person of interest.... have no idea how i will sleep!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

what to do???

ok... question that i can't post to my facebook friends...


i am in the throws of packing up the babies' toys, books, etc. in anticipation of reunification (court on Monday when the ruling and timeline will most likely happen).


have 10 boxes of toys and books packed already... none of their clothes packed yet... more toys to pack... sending mainly stuff given TO THEM by friends and family over the past 13 months... 


starting to think of keeping a few of their things (for example she was given 2 dolly strollers - we have none, next kid???).... would that be wrong????


i strongly feel they should get to take ALL THEIR STUFF... but at the same time, i'm envisioning this tiny trailer overflowing with toys... 

What would you do?

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

trying to draw near when feeling so far

today started out so great...

a fabulous massage to work out some serious knots i have in my shoulders after 1+ year of this crazy journey... and i know this sounds weird - but i felt so close to God during the massage... i found myself truly thanking him for the ability to have the experience, for the random groupon deal, for the masseuse's talent, etc...

a good rest...

a new back up babysitter coming by the house to get help filling out the crazy paperwork (it didn't scare her away!)

and then - it all went to hell in a handbasket...

i started feeling icky (sore throat going around house... hoping to shake it soon) so i laid down to rest...

my 6 year old bee kept coming to ask me questions... at one point i told him to go find his friends and play outside (poor choice on my part... i should have been up watching them outside).

i decided to go outside to check on him ... and he was in his underwear... (he had been doing messy art earlier)

he is SIX.

he has been told constantly that he needs shorts on around the other kids...

i lost it...

he has consequences out the ears... but that spurred from him losing it...

he will freak and outright lie --- i wasn't even outside... etc. at one point he asked when daddy would be home (he was sent to his room until daddy got home) i said 15 minutes.. he repeated 15 minutes... and then started screaming he didn't want to wait 15 HOURS...

that is something he does often... he will take a time we have stated and change it (after repeating the correct time).

we fight our way through dinner...

sitting to do our devotional - and it's on if we ask GOD to draw near HE will, etc etc...

in the midst of kids crying, of a child being disrespectful during Bible reading...

so hard...

it was painful to read about HIM drawing NEAR when i felt so in the flesh and not near...

praying for peace and comfort...


Monday, July 23, 2012

play pretend

the packing continues...

it amazes me how much stuff the kids have gathered in 13 months...

needing to beg for boxes...

today alone a big box of dress up clothes and accessories for momma bear...

hoping they have the space!

Sunday, July 22, 2012

one week... or is it????

the thing about foster care...

is not knowing.

one week from tomorrow, we will be in court.

most LIKELY, they won't go home that day.

most LIKELY, we will be given a timeline for their reunification.

most LIKELY, that is to occur before Aug 20

uncertainty.

getting them dressed for church today... i find myself being pickier about their clothes... want people to remember how cute they are, how well we care for them...

silly...

but the only thing i can control at this moment...

thankful for the time we have had...

thankful for their reunification...

thankful for the healing in their parents lives...

ready for this crazy roller-coaster of emotions to be over... but know it never will really be over...

in some ways, i'm ready for them to go home...

if you've ever had a one year old and a 2.5 year old in the same house... you know the cravings for quiet and rest

 but i will never be ready to say good-bye

Saturday, July 21, 2012

books books books

continuing the process of packing up.

a box here and there...

thought i would do the books because it would just be a few...

ha! two jumbo diaper boxes later... with a couple of their favorites still out.

anytime anyone asks us what the kids would need i say good positive message books. hoping parents will read to them and i know the books speak to me on a level that other books cannot reach.

i was thinking it was a few books, a few toys.

no i realize how MUCH a few is!

how are we going to get all of this to them?

Friday, July 20, 2012

switching monikers

as we work during this transition time my husband and i have switched names...

we tried Auntie and Uncle when the bears first came to live with us... it didn't work...

now that visits are regular... now that mommy is back in the picture...

she is calling us auntie and uncle...

good, but i miss being her mommy... and uncle sounds so funny coming from her garbled two year old mouth...

what is hilarious is when we refer to ourselves... half the time i say momma...auntie

giggle thinking at how inbred we must sound to others...

co-parenting opportunities

bioparents SHOULD be kept involved...

we had the opportunity to have them attend an eye doctor appointment with our girl.

it was an opportunity to interact outside the boundaries of institutions and court.

it was a chance to see how they parent.

it was a chance for them to see how i parent.

we asked questions of the doctor. all three of us.

we have 3 more appointments next week and 3 more opportunities.

these moments are good for my heart... they are capable... they love her... it's a peek at what will be...

Thursday, July 19, 2012

lice

one little word

can crawl into your ear

and make you itch

just got the call

biomom found one on brother bear

lice check on porch as soon as they get home

tea tree oil wash

praying to avoid full on lice treatment on the babies...

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

packing long sleeves

caught by surprise today... cleared out momma bear's dresser of clothes too small and winter-type clothing.

as i put the long sleeved t-shirts and the few sweaters we have into the big suitcase we are going to send with the children... nausea hit.

the thought that i am packing up clothes that i will not dress her in... clothes that i won't see her wear...

and then the lingering thought of... will it really happen. until they are gone... i don't know if i will really believe it.

starting goodbyes

there is something odd about saying goodbye and not knowing for sure...

yes... the plan is reunification... i say it with confidence to others that the babies will leave soon... but in the back of my mind there is that little sliver of doubt as i assume there always is with foster care... what if the parents screw up again???? i pray they don't but... who knows what will really happen...

this past weekend we went to my inlaws for the kids to say goodbye...




i have been realistic (i thought)... i requested we meet at a park rather than a house as i feel the panic rise in my throat at times... i just need space and air to breathe...

as we were getting ready to leave i couldn't speak... the sight of my mother in law busying herself at the picnic table cleaning... to avoid the reality of saying goodbye... watching my babies giving the people they have called grandma and poppa for the past year the last hug... watching my nieces and nephews... so young they don't quite get it wave cheerfully good bye. it was surreal... as if i was the only one who knew...

we continue the process this week as the babies say goodbye to my mother's family...

i have been so blessed... to have a family so supportive... but it makes it so hard now as they prepare to leave... it is our journey, but our family also suffers now our loss...

Monday, July 9, 2012

why bother with them???

while it's never quite said that way, when i talk with some people about writing letters to the bio-fam, or setting up routines with the kids that i hope the bio-fam will continue, or the slim potential for staying connected after reunification... there is an underlying implication in some people's responses as to "WHY BOTHER"????

when i mention that the children will most likely be leaving soon... some people react as if it is a travesty of justice... why should they get them back???

sweet people have said things like they must be so grateful and thinking that the biofam must fall over themselves in gratitude... most of the time biofams DON'T... we are lucky in that biomom in particular voices and has written how blessed she feels to have us...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yesterday as my mind wandered in processed in church (re. this post), i was actually listening to the pastor...

the sermon was on Paul and how the man who was the greatest missionary called himself the worst of sinners...

my mind went somewhere else then the pastor intended... but i began to think of how hypocritical we are as christians (often the people i speak to who think the parents shouldn't be given such chances... are christian - or at least wear the label)... i see a lot of bio-fam bashing in some online support groups...

paul... was saul...


saul was the chief persecutor... GOD met him... GOD changed him... and he became one of the framers of the faith

why do people want to cut off child abusers/neglecters so quickly... yes it's a heinous crime.. (i am NOT going to discuss molestation in this post!)

but seriously - many times the abuse/neglect is not born out of an evil desire to hurt children... but out of ignorance, addiction, lack of education, lack of intelligence, poor support structures, etc.

how many of us have been at the end of the rope with our own children... and looked at our spouse and said i need to be alone... now... or have had that babysitter, grandparent, neighbor we could pull ourselves together and ask to watch the kids for an hour while we run errands? or even been able to pull up a blog or website during nap/bedtime and read that we aren't alone, that other people feel stressed.... read about ideas or techniques on how to handle it the next time around?

why are we so quick to dismiss that the bio-parent can change???

maybe losing their children this time (i know many are repeat offenders) has been the time GOD has met them... GOD has ripped them from their path of bad decisions and shown them where to be... maybe i am a tool of GOD --- maybe you are a tool of GOD...

someone to walk on that path with them and encourage them in small ways... to model choices in parenting...

small things like writing letters, sending pictures, sitting with them prior to court and talking about the kids, SMILING at them, shaking their hands, saying it's a pleasure to meet/see you... treating them with respect and honor...

maybe it won't work... it's hard... it's exhausting... but it's what is best for the kids... and it's what HE would have us do...


Sunday, July 8, 2012

lost on the trail...

while on our awesome bear-free vacation... we went on a "15 minute" hike that ended up being 3 hours long.


today, during church... my mind wandered and processed as it always does... and it hit me how our foster care experience has been so much like that hike.





the descent was fast and steep... and once we were down we had to continue... because the way back was too rough. after bubba went home we dived in to caring for two under two years. that was a quick trip to crazy busy, crazy ridiculous. 


While we are supposed to stay on a marked trail, the marks are sometimes hard to find... we occasionally ran across others who could give advice and words of encouragement... but they were few and far between. 







There was the very real possibility of being hurt. (See the copperhead?!?!?!)






 The big picture we know is what matters, the view. We are doing something worthwhile... something important... something bigger than ourselves.
But even in the moments of feeling panicky and worried... there are moments of absolute beauty... no matter how twisted.  

Small moments that continue through the worry of where are we on this path? What is around the next bend?




At one point a part of the crew went ahead... wondering what the other half was doing... how they were progressing... 


How much longer will this be? How will this end?



At one point on the path a friend pointed out we hadn't STOPPED and prayed... we just kept plugging along... but in my head... i had been crying out to God... please keep us safe please don't let us be lost... so often we get comments of... wow... you are so strong, I COULD NEVER DO THAT... what they don't see is the heartbreak... the crying out to GOD... please care for these babies, please keep them safe... handing them over in trust to HIM...



But even in those moments of crying out in fear.... stopping to look at the beauty along the way... experiencing the joy in the moment...






In the end... our path will be outlined like a clear map... we will be able to measure the days, weeks, months, just over a year of having these babies with us... but like the hike... we won't see the map until the end.


It's so odd to think that the end is so close... yet just like that day on the hike... how close, we don't know... and just like that day... CONSTANT PRAYER, TRUST, FAITH, AND DEEP BREATHING is the way to survive...

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

getting harder

dropping off momma bear to school i almost lost it, she was clingy and clutching my leg... didn't want me to leave her... harder knowing that it's t minus 27 days.... trying NOT to count days... but want to appreciate what we have while they are here...

still putting them in daycare so we can be sane... thinking of pulling them a few days here and there to get some time with them one on one...

ugh....

missing her and she is still here... so weird....

Playing with colored ice cubes in the splash pool <3

Monday, July 2, 2012

52 weeks down... 4 weeks to go (maybe)

four weeks...

bioparents feel it's a long time...

i feel like it's short.

what seems like a long time to be WITHOUT is a short time WITH.

of course... four week until court and we walk in and are told when they go home... it could be an hour, it could be a week, it could be ????

praying for the parents continued success...

praying for peace...

praying for understanding....

thought the date would be in September... moved up due to schooling and brother bear starting kindergarten. makes solid sense....

heart break in the making....

feel at a loss of what to do, think, say...

catch up

went on a REAL vacation - without the bears... with 3 other awesome families in the fantastic mountains of TN.

celebrated B's 6th birthday

marked my 6th anniversary as a hysterectomy survivor

met my baby-momma

found out reunification is being moved up... BIG court date... July 30... more to come as we process that

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

after...

the actual dr apptmnt went better than expected... the before hand, sitting in the waiting room - SUCKED


filling out paper work before hand was absolutely gut wrenching

i had to fill out new patient paperwork because i had not been in for four years

i hate filling out my medical history...

upside is it's a "normal" issue... easily resolved... AND... my fretting over going into menopause already... unfounded... the dr said i could go "early" but only by a few years - so in my mid 40s... not now...

more processing to come... but relief for now that i made it through without a meltdown!

Saturday, June 9, 2012

stages

one of the things about foster care is that the kids are usually gone w/in 8 mos (i asked - that is the avg stay in our area).

we have had the bears for almost a year... if things stay on track they will leave around the 16 mo mark... 2x's as long as "normal"

part of the oddity of the long stay is they are outgrowing things, clothes, bottles, car seats, toys...

packing up bottles today...

he hasn't had one for us in a while... but was still having one a day at school...

monday he moves up to the toddler class... (not quite toddling yet though)

sad... i don' t know if his mommy ever gave him a bottle, and now that window has been closed...

grieving the baby who is growing up and for the mommy who missed out...

Friday, June 8, 2012

ANXIETY back full force

have just a few things going on to rachet up the anxiety... y'know besides the normalcy of having a 1 yr old a 2 yr old and an almost 6 yr old...

will avoid the issue of TMI... but i have to go to the lady doctor due to some discomfort...

i am bad, bad, bad... haven't been in FOUR years...

the ob/gyn who did the c-section and hysterectomy has retired... to Canada.

i will be seeing the guy who assisted in the hysterectomy (tried to get in to see another woman and she is booked).

i HATE going... first question is always last period... 6 years later it's no fun answering.

and that's the other thing. it'll be two weeks shy of bee's birthday... and all the things that brings up.

doing some reading of my symptoms...

one of the things that keeps popping up is that it can be tied to women who are entering menopause.... lovely...

34 and entering menopause... i've been hyper-paranoid about that b/c it's a common side effect... sort of like your ovaries figure out that you have no uterus... why keep working...

...sigh...

very much looking forward to our big vacay - but even that has me on full crazy...

called placement to see if they had found someone for the bears yet... nope... they like to wait until it's a little closer... it's one week away... we will be gone for 10 days! bull$h*%


i get it... but ugh.... they will be so confused... and to add into all that craziness... they will get to see mommy for the first time... WHILE IN RESPITE... as in they won't be able to decompress with me... but with someone else.... sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo confusing for them

and of course... now that it's coming up that she will be back... the reality of them leaving us gets clearer and clearer...

ugh ugh ugh

was driving around in the midst of this and realized the awful feeling was back... the my skin is on inside out and everything around me irritates it.... ugh ugh ugh - totally a product of anxiety... suckage...

deep breaths, naps, coffee, cleaning.... prayer prayer prayer prayer... i know there must be a plan... but it' s so hard to see...

Saturday, June 2, 2012

cranky one year old

why???

why does a one  year old act like a cranky boy?

baby bear is acting cranky cranky cranky lately...

throwing his cup, not eating... arching, screaming... no fever, no symptoms... just cranky

does he sense the shift in our house???? does he realize that we are working on shifting from momma to auntie...

momma bear still calls me momma.... but i will giggle and say am I your mommy... and she will laugh and say no! auntie!!!

low key redirect... but still it's shifted the tone..

Friday, June 1, 2012

6-8 weeks shipping

ordered a lunch box for momma bear (free from Huggies Rewards)...



it's take 6-8 weeks to be shipped

not that big a deal... but to think... she will likely only be here for 12 more weeks...

have caught myself getting teary a lot lately... this summer marks 2nd times we got to do things with the kids... and last times... 


Thursday, May 31, 2012

a lesson that shouldn't be taught

i know racism is learned


i hate it, i've heard my younger cousins use words that make my stomach turn... but they were 10ish... young but an "older" young...

we had brother bear in the van over baby bear's bday weekend

our neighborhood is culturally diverse... and as we drove down the street there was a young black man walking on the sidewalk. he didn't look sketchy, just a guy walking in his own neighborhood... and from the back of the van i could sense brother bear's attention perking up... he said... mommy mommy... that's a... a... it's a bad word.

i said, yes brother that would be a bad word.

even though the word was never spoken it broke my heart that this young 5 year old knew that word.

then... further breaking my heart... mommy - he's a bad man.

this child does not know this man from adam, we live in an area far from his foster parents and far from his bio-family.

my answer.... "brother, you don't know that man, you don't know he's a bad man. just because he's black does not mean he is bad."

silence

"do you know white people who have made bad choices?"

brother - yes...

"just because someone makes bad choices doesn't make them bad.... and choices can be made by anyone no matter what color they are.... right?"

brother - yes mommy...

"people who have made bad choices, they can work on making better choices. we can pray for them to make good choices"

brother... can we play on the swing...

moment gone... but hopefully lesson learned...

sigh

Friday, May 25, 2012

giving myself a break

i was worried that i was grouchy... not handling everything well...

then i stopped and thought about the past year...

in ONE YEAR...

we began fostering

had our first placement reunified

accepted a placement of 2 under 2


felt the guilt of not accepting a third sibling (placement understanding - but it's there on our part)

a meningitis scare

starting a school year on an alternating block schedule (any teacher out there will know the stress of a switched schedule)

a flood...

a month in a motel (with 2 under 2 plus our own bee)

moving back in to our wrecked home (keeping an under 2 yr old out of the mess)

my sister's wedding

trip with four children to LEGOland... getting to know the big brother not in our custody

a hint at possible adoption... and almost as quickly... taken back

a tragic diagnosis of my nephew to be...

the passing of my grandfather

a reversal of a tragic diagnosis

moving into our addition (which took over a year to finish)

a sad christmas (grandfather passing just 10 days before) without the usual advent traditions

big time birth parent drama

premature birth of aforementioned nephew.... massive complications... holding our breath day by day...

more birth parent drama...

likely reunification coming up...

yup... need to cut myself some slack... pour a glass of wine and get a massage!





Wednesday, May 16, 2012

on all days...

found this today - just after finding out that their daddy let them down


praying that i don't have this discussion


http://lostbirdfound.typepad.com/lost-bird-found/2011/07/mama-said-thered-be-days-like-this.html

blowing it

one month...

and he blows it...

i knew it was going to happen.

he already f-in' blew it.

i want to cry

i want to scream

i want to puke

part of me wants them to give him another chance, i want him to fix it - i want him to do right...

another part of me wants them to cut him out totally - he's done - he doesn't deserve them!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

mother's day card

got a mother's day card today...

from the bear's bio-mom...

tears of bittersweet joy

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

a year


God’s timing is so perfect.

I know my heart is mourning bubba especially hard this week.

You see… tomorrow is his birthday… he’ll be three… and two days later… the anniversary of the day he came to us.

I can’t believe it’s been a year. A long hard heart growing/crushing year.

Woke up this morning ready for another day of work… pushing hard end of school year zooming up.

Plans derailed by baby with fever.

Baby who has been sleeping for 2 hours now.

Netflix on fritz so the background noise for my cleaning is Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty will Rise.
This CD will open grieving wounds. Not necessary on a regular day, but today… good because it’s making me look at the effects of this past year. Salt in a wound hurts… but salt water can cleanse… and what else are the tears but salt and water…

I miss him so much right now. I just want to hug the lil’ guy, I want to KNOW he’s ok. I know GOD is in control… I just wish he could give me a peek. It is such an odd grief. Bubba is alive, I’m pretty sure with his mommy. I don’t know if he would remember me if he saw me.

This is one of those sucky things of fostering that isn’t talked about. How do you deal with the grief of a child leaving your life? It’s easy to say we should take comfort in the fact we were able to play a part of a family’s redemption and reunification. But when it’s done (somewhat) right and you open your heart and life and family… it hurts when they leave.

Right now as the tears fall and I struggle with that awful feeling of my breath being hard to catch… the thought fleets through, if this is so hard… how will I survive the bears leaving? A thought I cannot hold onto right now if I am to survive the remaining four months.

Glad to have this semi-secret place to go to… please pray for our family… and for Bubba --- wherever he is…


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

foster parent workman's comp????

ouch...

muscle pulled, slightly painful...

holding momma bear while at church, ended up somehow pulling muscle in my side... staying home from work and resting...

can't imagine how i am going to care for babies tonight on my own w/ hubby working late...

upside - forced day off just me and not able to clean house... kinda like a mental health day!

Saturday, April 14, 2012

happy half day... packing memories

today is momma's bear two and a  half bday --- usually i don't make a big deal out of half bdays, but we are fairly sure we won't be with her to celebrate her third... so it's more poignant...

to make it more surreal, i'm packing up the kids' easter stuff... and decided to grab their christmas stockings from their secret spot and pack them in a box i'm labeling x&x's holiday stuff.

in doing so, i've realized we just celebrated their last holiday with us (gift giving silly holiday).

we still have 5 mos of craziness and all, but it's very odd to pack up stuff and be fairly sure i won't be the one unpacking it...

there is a sadness... and hope to it as well..

i want their mom to do this, i want her to get her life back and her kids together - i want to witness redemption... i just want to snuggle with these babies forever too...


Tuesday, April 10, 2012

already???

after finally being able to see his kids... and a surprise visit on thurs - during normal visit today...

daddy ditches after 30 minutes...

already??? i figured we'd have at least a month of effort...

so disappointed

Monday, April 9, 2012

"it's not right"

bears' dad was at the visit we had to take kids to on thurs.

we hadn't realized he was available for visits... had just been made available an hour or two prior to visit...

more to come on the experience as a whole later...

what has stuck with me is a comment he made...

that it wasn't right for foster parents to "force" kids to call them mom and dad

momma bear calls me momma/mommy

we tried HARD when they first moved in to have her call us auntie and uncle.

no go

several things...

1. she has limited verbal skills
2. i've heard of kids her age call their TEACHERS mom
3. she hears our son call us mom and dad
4. the child has been with us for 9 months

i'm trying to understand how he must feel... but seriously... it pisses me off

i AM her momma for now she needs to feel normal and call people mommy and daddy...

there are other hateful type thoughts (mainly about his ability to parent and his qualifications to be called daddy)... praying for grace and love towards their father... it must hurt to hear your child call someone ELSE momma or daddy... for any reason...



Sunday, April 8, 2012

sweet easter gift!

from the back seat "momma...."

i turn off the radio... "yes baby" (talkin' to Bee)

bee "why are there so many commandments but God only told us about 10?"

momma "honey he told us a whole bunch of commandments - the most famous are the 10 - there are books and books of laws in the Bible"

bee "ohhh..."

momma "but remember, Jesus came - do you remember the pharisees tried to trick him... they asked what the most important law was... and he said there were TWO --- LOVE God with all your heart, strength, soul, mind, and to LOVE others"

bee... "ohhh yeah"

bee... "momma... how do we get to heaven??? by not sinning???"

momma... "bee, that's impossible! remember - we sin EVERY DAY - all the time! that's why Jesus came, to die for us"

bee... "so we need to confess our sins to go to heaven???"

momma... "we SHOULD confess our sins, but all we have to do is love Jesus and believe he came to die for us"

bee... "ohhh ok"

momma.... "you could pray to HIM and let him know you want HIM to know you love him with your whole heart, that you are glad he came to die for us and that he lives in your heart"

bee... silence

momma "what do you think"

bee... "can i pray in my head?"

momma "of course!"

bee... "ok..." funny eye blink... "did you hear me pray momma... i did it!"

momma "i didn't hear it baby, but i'm proud of you!"

sweet boy!

day before easter - it was such a gift for us!


Tuesday, April 3, 2012

not too sure about this

have a permanency staffing - at same time - kids will be there for a visitation from an uncle (special visit he's here from out of state)...

i don't like it - have no control...

they've asked up us to pick up big bro (hour other direction)

inconvenient - but we have the day off of work - guess we'll put it on our mileage!

will be nice to spend some time w/ him


Monday, April 2, 2012

tv character gives birth

tonight i watched bones...

and as often happens when a tv character gives birth i walk away feeling sad, cheated, annoyed at how over-simplified they make it...

and (i know stupid to feel this way) less of a woman b/c i couldn't "hack it" to give birth and not almost die...

pity party for one...

extra snuggles w/ my boy tonight - thanking GOD for the opportunity to raise him

if i were honest on facebook....

my status today would be...

want to vomit after hearing details of another case in court... didn't help when i realized that i was sitting next to my kids' bio-uncle and for 10 minutes was freaking out that he was going to ask for custody... instead he has requested a visit while in town....

will find out soon if that will happen

Tuesday, March 27, 2012

torn

this blog is hard to do

trying to give a peek into life as a pph-hyster survivor foster parent... and respect privacy of children and parents

at this moment i am torn in half...

at the beginning we were told parent Y was all the hope the kids had... that parent X had messed up and wouldn't come through...

then a few months in parent Y started slipping... for all of 48 hours my heart pitterpattered with fear and excitement.... the likelihood of adoption in my throat...

then parent X turned out to be a new person (praise GOD)... and adoption was put on the back shelf... glad, but sad

now... parent Y has truly messed up, talks of TPR (termination of parental rights)...

that means if parent X hadn't stepped up... we would be talking and preparing for adoption

i don't know how to feel...

part of me is ridiculously sad... part of me is relieved... part of me feels guilty for being relieved... then the guilt of feeling guilty...

still praying daily for the success of parent X... please join with me!

Monday, March 26, 2012

since

so sad... daddy is still... unavailable...

2 weeks since my babies have seen their big brother and daddy...

almost 10 months since they've seen mommy...

but 10 months from now... how long will it have been since I have seen them...

i write mommy a letter every week now through our CW. it's great - she is writing me as well (again through caseworker)... it helps me remember she is REAL... and to get her letters, not dismiss her existence or value... she does love her kids... it's so hard for those of us who have been blessed to understand how "something like this"could happen... but i do get it... sort of...

the good thing about the letters is it reminds me every week... there will be an end to this... to the good, the bad, and the ugly (toddler tantrums)...

enjoying my baby bear love and hugs and snuggles, my momma bear cuddles

praying for peace in this crazy process...

Saturday, March 24, 2012

is she just saying what we want to hear??? who cares!!!!

i mentioned to my mom that the bears' mother seems real nice...

i've spoken to her on the phone, gotten letters, etc

her response is - she i just saying what she thinks everyone wants to hear...

so???

she at least recognizes what she's SUPPOSED to say!

and one of the things she has written me... suggests we meet up even AFTER reunification... that she realizes we are important to her children and that we matter...

when i read that --- i just burst out in tears... in the middle of class!

HOPE! even if it doesn't happen - i can survive another six months now, because we have hope

Thursday, March 22, 2012

she's getting older... aka proving me wrong

figured momma bear wouldn't realize she didn't have visitation due to "stuff" this week.

was glad we had fair warning b/c my thought had been if we act like there wasn't SUPPOSED to be a visit, she would have no clue

2 nights after - wailing for daddy... and i know she meant him


not normal kiddie whine - mourning cry

had to tell my son tonight --- the choices you make HAVE AN EFFECT ON OTHERS!

i asked him if he could hear her crying - when he said yes... and looked at me confused - i told him - she misses her daddy and he made some bad choices...

praying he sees how every action affects others - i pray he will be a good daddy/husband

Monday, March 19, 2012

unpostable

you know you are in the fosterhood when you see the word corrections and don't think of things to fix... but jail!

things that now pop up in autocomplete...

xxxx clerk of court

xxxx inmate search

xxxx court

and now... for the fourth time... googling directions to xxxx court house.

(((((sigh))))) my life is so weird 

Friday, March 16, 2012

a buck fifty

so...

i will preface this post that i know that i happen to be extra cranky... about something un-postable at the moment... in truth i am MAD... at God, at the world, i want to scream kick and cuss....

so...

enter well meaning woman at the the local thrift store

we are licensed through a group that does a bunch of stuff for kids in the system. one of the ways they fund their philanthropy is through a thrift shop. something cool the thrift shop does - is as a foster parent i can request a voucher (which is sent to the store) and i can go pick out stuff for my kiddies.

i haven't done it because we are blessed with hand me downs, and i happen to know the selection is thin pickings at the store... but i was headed in anyway (with a big @$$donation of adult clothing) so i figured out what the heck?!?! momma bear has recently hit a growth spurt.. i bought a bunch of stuff at a big consignment shindig - but a few more t-shirts would round out the collection nicely.

our licensing counselor kept telling me i should take advantage of it...

well... i'd waited so long - no voucher on record... i have lost my check card and had no cash... i told the lady this up front... i would have been totally cool is she told me to come back later... but she "helped"me shop.

check out the 25 cent clothes first please... ummm... ok... she kept showing me size 5 stuff (momma bear JUST moved up to size 3... i know it doesn't look like a big difference - but y'all w/ lil' ones know there is)... and at one point kept showing me long sleeve shirts saying "you could just cut the sleeves"...

ummm... no thanks... i want to avoid the screaming label "I AM IN FOSTER CARE AND DON'T RANK NICER CLOTHES RAGAMUFFIN LOOK"

when we went inside she showed me where the other clothes were but was quick to tell me not to pick the purple tagged clothes - those are the newer things (ummm... k)

in all i got 6 items --- all tagged at 25 cents... so for the hassle of feeling like

1. a charity case
2. my kid doesn't rank the nicer stuff

a got a buck fifty worth of clothes... 2 things i wouldn't have picked but the lady kept pressing me

maybe if she hadn't been dressed to the 9's w/ fabulous make up it wouldn't have bugged me... but a little voice in my head made me want to scream - would you "cut the sleeves"for your grandbabies?!?!? i doubt it!

don't think i'll do it again... reminded me of this post by my foster-hero fosterhood

****again i'm in a high pissy mood right now***

drug of a country

i've seen the bumper sticker and giggled

tv - the drug of choice

but wow

i gave up netflix (mostly) for lent...

i... am... an addict

it has been odd these past few weeks.

coming home and not crashing on the couch in exhaustion and watching an episode or two or six of NUMB3RS.

i knew that i couldn't go cold turkey - like a meth addict i would curl up and die (no not really) but i knew i would absolutely fail

so... i allowed myself 3 hours a week. for someone who used to watch more than 3 hours a day - drastic. i gave myself the 3 hours b/c my hubby and i have some shows we watch together that come on weekly - and it's nice to have that...

of course - they have been doing RERUNS during lent!

also - i didn't count in "family movie nights"...

but i digress... the amount i of time i realize i have now is embarrassing --- also --- i'm not as tired...

hoping i can continue the less tv after lent... having the whole "if christ could sacrifice all for you, you can sacrifice tv for him" card has def. helped :)

oh... and i've found more time for blogging ;)

Thursday, March 15, 2012

too small

having a foster-first

packing up all the too small clothes i've bought for momma bear...

looking at the outfit she first came to us in...

pink fuzz pants and an oshkosh shirt...

she's outgrown clothes in her time here...

she started in 18mo-2t

just bought her a bunch of 3ts

will she outgrow those with us too????

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

what was the word???

i originally began this blog in order to tell the story of my pph/hysterectomy... and realize it's been awhile...

as the title of the blog suggests... it's there all the time... the grief of the option of biochildren being taken...

it's a dull ache, but there...

things that are also hard to deal with are the side effects...

i never know if it's from the hysterectomy or if it's from age or just who i am...

my memory SUCKS

i miss words..... my friends and family are regularly ready to fill in the blanks of the words i can't recall

most of the joints in my body have a dull ache

i am EXHAUSTED

they are all side effects listed on those fun websites like hystersister

but they are also side effects of being a mom of 3 children (ages 5, 2, and 9 mos).

i know i have a few fellow hysterectomy survivors... pph-ers out there...

anyone else noticed odd side effects?

Monday, March 12, 2012

grouchy...

feeling hypocritical...

want to see biodad and yell at him

praying for grace

praying for ability to forgive...

some may think he "deserves" my b#$*chy thoughts... even if he does - what do i deserve????

as a believer i know what i deserve and what i've been given...

not through my power, but through HIS love and forgiveness

i said mean and nasty things about biodad tonight to my hubby... i want to lash out... but i speak of forgiveness, of modeling christ's love to those who need it...

but in my heart... i'm pissed and i think he's worthless... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

fighting it... praying for him more earnestly

Saturday, March 10, 2012

things i can't facebook....

sometimes i have random thoughts --- "status updates" that can't be posted... too many "friends" on facebook - my parents, others who would say things that wouldn't be quite right... like - maybe you'll get to keep them!



right now... my unpostable status...


it's been one of those days... where i wish... they wouldn't have to leave... i wish they were born of me... i wish i had known her in the lil' squishy baby days...

sigh


but... they will most likely go HOME... and i will have to be ok with it... it will be the right thing... and i'll be lucky to be a memory in their young minds

never thought i'd have this bookmarked

Thursday, March 8, 2012

today's final straw

bathing momma bear after being told i can't take her to daycare tomorrow due to diarrhea (which means she has to come with me on my teacher workday... i was planning on getting so much done)...

she screamed and cried - who knows why... it's been this way for a while and up a level since fake-out visit...

she cried I WANT DADDY!!!!!!

i didn't stop to consider she could have meant my husband - my brain snapped...

wtf... you want HIM... the one who has let you down - the one who has caused all this sh$*&...

i finished her bath quickly, briskly, and then passed her off to the husband... realized after a few deep breaths she was calling for him

but in those moments i felt so betrayed,

i felt the unfairness of it all

this sucks.... it really sucks