a year

God’s timing is so perfect.

I know my heart is mourning bubba especially hard this week.

You see… tomorrow is his birthday… he’ll be three… and two days later… the anniversary of the day he came to us.

I can’t believe it’s been a year. A long hard heart growing/crushing year.

Woke up this morning ready for another day of work… pushing hard end of school year zooming up.

Plans derailed by baby with fever.

Baby who has been sleeping for 2 hours now.

Netflix on fritz so the background noise for my cleaning is Steven Curtis Chapman’s Beauty will Rise.

This CD will open grieving wounds. Not necessary on a regular day, but today… good because it’s making me look at the effects of this past year. Salt in a wound hurts… but salt water can cleanse… and what else are the tears but salt and water…

I miss him so much right now. I just want to hug the lil’ guy, I want to KNOW he’s ok. I know GOD is in control… I just wish he could give me a peek. It is such an odd grief. Bubba is alive, I’m pretty sure with his mommy. I don’t know if he would remember me if he saw me.

This is one of those sucky things of fostering that isn’t talked about. How do you deal with the grief of a child leaving your life? It’s easy to say we should take comfort in the fact we were able to play a part of a family’s redemption and reunification. But when it’s done (somewhat) right and you open your heart and life and family… it hurts when they leave.

Right now as the tears fall and I struggle with that awful feeling of my breath being hard to catch… the thought fleets through, if this is so hard… how will I survive the bears leaving? A thought I cannot hold onto right now if I am to survive the remaining four months.

Glad to have this semi-secret place to go to… please pray for our family… and for Bubba --- wherever he is…