Tuesday, January 31, 2012

an analogy

pretend for a moment that i am a kosher jew

my religion prohibits me from eating bacon

if you were to see me eating bacon - it would cause you to pause and wonder

now (in this hypothetical case)... as a kosher jew, i do not hate those who chose to eat bacon, i do not promote legislation to stop the production of bacon, or block it on the menu.

i am not "anti-bacon"

it's just, the faith i have chosen to follow says... don't eat bacon

if someone were to ask me my opinion - or to claim that as a kosher jew i have been interpreting the scriptures incorrectly and that i can eat bacon - am i intolerant to point out the scriptures that say pork is not to be consumed????

would i be slammed in the media as intolerant??? as hateful??? as ignorant???

i ask this because i am a christian... working hard at my faith - reformed (i think) christian

i am also personally conservative but socially liberal

i do not actively fight against homosexuality - i don't find it repulsive - i don't think they are pedophiles

i forbid my students from using gay slurs... i was asked once to sponsor the gay-straight alliance... i have a reputation for defending my students who are targets for teasing on this matter...

but i do read my bible, and it is there - in the NEW testament (don't throw the leviticus argument at me) and it says no

i am not perfect

i think it is hypocritical of a church to stand by a philanderer and slam committed gay relationships....

but why can't i be left alone - like the kosher jew without his bacon???????

why must i be thrust into a pinhole that says i am intolerant and hateful????

why must i sit there and not point to where i believe the truth is????

short visit again: father vs daddy

read this article today: http://blog.faithpromise.org/2012/01/fathers-be-good-to-your-daughters/

aptly titled after a favorite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmNbC89yhWY

and today... her father let her down... again... in so many ways.

he showed for visit. and left 10 minutes later.

maybe there was an emergency

maybe he was able to work on his case plan and that was the only time he could do it.


but fathers... be good to your daughters... daughters will love like you do...

she is with her daddy now... my husband...

he is spinning her on the swing... giving her the attention her father didn't...

know it can't make up for it... but maybe it will lessen the impact of being left behind and disappointed


Sunday, January 29, 2012

momma bear is brave

faster mommy faster

high high high

hoping her bravery continues

hoping her desire for the edge does not

Monday, January 23, 2012

half way home

if things go the way people seem to think it will go (as of now)

our kids are half way home

as in home to their biomom




i have been thinking i "have this feeling" they are going home... know it was self preservation

hubby called to fill me in on all the crazy court details (all daddy side) and then said... mom sounds good (she was there via teleconference).

all involved are encouraged by her recent progress and they will proceed with the plan being reunification with mom

so different then we were told in the beginning.

i worked for a few more hours to finish out the day, figured i was ok... then as i walked across campus to leave it started... small dry heaves... my babies may actually leave...

praying this was the wake up she needed

praying she doesn't stop trying, stop succeeding.

my prayer has been that she would try, keep trying and be successful.

i pray it continues.and she doesn't let us down... that we don't go through this separation for them to end up back in the system.

i found a picture of her online - a not so hot portrait - but not scary.

showed it to momma bear... look! who's that?

she smiled pointed at the picture, then pointed at me

i think she thinks we are the same person... more small little heaves...

my heart is breaking for her - she will be so confused...

and baby bear... i can't do it yet - can't think about him and what he will go through -

the crappiest part of this gig is the uncertainty.

i want this if it is the best for them.... but i don't want to let them go.... and we still have 7 or so months... praying for strength as we continue to love, bond, and attach... and then watch them leave...

Sunday, January 22, 2012

HER kids

tomorrow is court - just a status review - nothing will "officially" change

hubby is going, i need to not take more days off work (for all the other days i will have to take off the rest of the school year)

procrastinating writing biomom a note

figured we should... a note to tell her we love HER kids... to let her know that they are being well cared for. a note to hopefully bolster her efforts as she is where she is. a not that i hope will be something to encourage her in the fight so she can get HER kids back.

HER kids HER kids HER kids...

they are HER kids... and they are mine.

it's a surreal task. write the note to show they are having fun and loved... but also a note to help them leave again...

i keep saying WHEN they leave... but it's still an IF.. an IF that still has caseworker asking IF they terminate... would we take HER kids... and make the OURS...

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The ugly truth

Most parents know it and are loathe to admit it…

Sometimes you don’t like your kids.

I’m sooooo glad we are bio parents first so that I know that this is normal.

That you can love kids with your whole heart yet at the same time… not stand their cute lil’ faces.

I am especially struggling right now with momma bear.

Most days I don’t like her. I love her – but right now she is in that super clingy, no fun two year old tantrum phase… RAMPED up a few notches. I know she is traumatized. I know that she is even more insecure than your avg toddler. But it still sucks to be the only person she wants to be near. I know she has possibly lived in a situation where she has wondered if she would have food or drink. Where she has had to nag nag nag an adult to have her needs met. I know she is still learning that she can trust that I will feed her, I will care for her needs. But a 20 minute drive hearing EAT EAT EAT EAT JUICE JUICE JUICE is overwhelming. I don’t give her these in the car b/c she dumps it out everywhere – trust me – I wish I could b/c that would be the easy answer. But every day our drive home is this liturgy. That and her saying I want momma I want daddy, etc. etc. etc.

It sucks though – b/c as a bio parent when you get that I just can’t stand my child feeling… you know that you are “stuck” with them and you move past it. Unfortunately with foster-kiddies you have “an out”.

This is truth telling honesty – I love these kids and want them to stay. Some days, I can’t help but fantasize about being a one child family again. Our bee is soooo self sufficient and loves to play on his own. He is five and a half and will read or play legos for literally hours at a time (longest record so far is a 6 hour LEGO marathon.)

As soon as the thought flies through my mind – ohhh… I can’t wait for them to go home… I realize how much that it is true – and not true.

It’s a part of this weird grey area of our life. Reunification – the hope – but is it reality? It is impossible to truly prepare our hearts for both possibilities at the same time. 

Wednesday, January 11, 2012

the tag

i bought a new pair of pants the other day...

there was a tag in the back, and just the very itty bitty corner scratched me ALL DAY LONG. 

the smallest little thing that could have ruined my fabulous new pants...

which got me thinking of sin... 

those little sins that don't seem like a big deal, gossip, envy, laziness...

 it's not like i'm an adulterer, molester, abuser, etc.

but those little things... they can keep me from truly enjoying the life i've been given

the pants... i took out my seam ripper and got that bad boy out....

the sin... friends to hold me accountable

Tuesday, January 3, 2012

disbelief and anger

i shouldn't be surprised

people who have children in the system have struggles

they fail at times

they make mistakes

they make the same mistakes that led to them losing their children in the first place

they miss visitations

they let their kids down

i'm so peeved and annoyed and saddened by the whole deal.... one of the bear's bios has screwed up. same stuff for them being removed AND WORSE... ugh ugh ugh

and on top of it their daddy missed visit today....

Sunday, January 1, 2012

2 Timothy 2:3 Endure

2 Timothy 2:3 - Share in suffering as a good soldier of Christ Jesus.

making choices that may not result in an easy life or a large bank account - but that bring glory to GOD.

my goal for the year. 

our hearts may break, it may not make sense to others, but we will breathe the love of the Lord into the lives of these babies and to their parents. we will model tough forgiveness and the belief in redemption, even if it hurts to let them go.

as our pastor preached on this verse today... it struck me how true it is. many look at our lives and speak of how they "could never do it, could never let them go". 

we are all called to suffer for Christ. in many different ways. it sucks. it hurts. it doesn't make sense to others. i think that is why so often when you see those who are fostering - you find those of faith.

one of my favorite bloggers on fostering is not a christian, and she laments the fact that more agnostic/atheists don't. but selfless sacrifice doesn't make sense to most. it doesn't always make sense to me... not without HE who sacrificed all.