Wednesday, January 18, 2012

The ugly truth



Most parents know it and are loathe to admit it…

Sometimes you don’t like your kids.

I’m sooooo glad we are bio parents first so that I know that this is normal.

That you can love kids with your whole heart yet at the same time… not stand their cute lil’ faces.

I am especially struggling right now with momma bear.

Most days I don’t like her. I love her – but right now she is in that super clingy, no fun two year old tantrum phase… RAMPED up a few notches. I know she is traumatized. I know that she is even more insecure than your avg toddler. But it still sucks to be the only person she wants to be near. I know she has possibly lived in a situation where she has wondered if she would have food or drink. Where she has had to nag nag nag an adult to have her needs met. I know she is still learning that she can trust that I will feed her, I will care for her needs. But a 20 minute drive hearing EAT EAT EAT EAT JUICE JUICE JUICE is overwhelming. I don’t give her these in the car b/c she dumps it out everywhere – trust me – I wish I could b/c that would be the easy answer. But every day our drive home is this liturgy. That and her saying I want momma I want daddy, etc. etc. etc.

It sucks though – b/c as a bio parent when you get that I just can’t stand my child feeling… you know that you are “stuck” with them and you move past it. Unfortunately with foster-kiddies you have “an out”.

This is truth telling honesty – I love these kids and want them to stay. Some days, I can’t help but fantasize about being a one child family again. Our bee is soooo self sufficient and loves to play on his own. He is five and a half and will read or play legos for literally hours at a time (longest record so far is a 6 hour LEGO marathon.)

As soon as the thought flies through my mind – ohhh… I can’t wait for them to go home… I realize how much that it is true – and not true.

It’s a part of this weird grey area of our life. Reunification – the hope – but is it reality? It is impossible to truly prepare our hearts for both possibilities at the same time. 

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