The ugly truth

Most parents know it and are loathe to admit it…

Sometimes you don’t like your kids.

I’m sooooo glad we are bio parents first so that I know that this is normal.

That you can love kids with your whole heart yet at the same time… not stand their cute lil’ faces.

I am especially struggling right now with momma bear.

Most days I don’t like her. I love her – but right now she is in that super clingy, no fun two year old tantrum phase… RAMPED up a few notches. I know she is traumatized. I know that she is even more insecure than your avg toddler. But it still sucks to be the only person she wants to be near. I know she has possibly lived in a situation where she has wondered if she would have food or drink. Where she has had to nag nag nag an adult to have her needs met. I know she is still learning that she can trust that I will feed her, I will care for her needs. But a 20 minute drive hearing EAT EAT EAT EAT JUICE JUICE JUICE is overwhelming. I don’t give her these in the car b/c she dumps it out everywhere – trust me – I wish I could b/c that would be the easy answer. But every day our drive home is this liturgy. That and her saying I want momma I want daddy, etc. etc. etc.

It sucks though – b/c as a bio parent when you get that I just can’t stand my child feeling… you know that you are “stuck” with them and you move past it. Unfortunately with foster-kiddies you have “an out”.

This is truth telling honesty – I love these kids and want them to stay. Some days, I can’t help but fantasize about being a one child family again. Our bee is soooo self sufficient and loves to play on his own. He is five and a half and will read or play legos for literally hours at a time (longest record so far is a 6 hour LEGO marathon.)

As soon as the thought flies through my mind – ohhh… I can’t wait for them to go home… I realize how much that it is true – and not true.

It’s a part of this weird grey area of our life. Reunification – the hope – but is it reality? It is impossible to truly prepare our hearts for both possibilities at the same time.