quiet and contemplation

after a week of contemplation and quiet (and a wedding)... there is so much to say... but the words are still stumbling

it's been crazy, and i've had tons of disjointed thoughts and half-writings...

but it's odd to have your life change so suddenly and no real words to describe it, and no way for others to understand or know how to consol...

bubba left at noonish

i thought i'd be ok, we KNEW he wasn't going to be ours... didn't feel like we were the right family... but i could barely talk to the case worker (who asked if i had allergies i was sniffling so bad - seriously?!?!).

i had all his stuff packed up, he even kind of gave me a hug in the last moments (w/o being hysterical - a first and only).

i carried him to the car and snapped him in.

i wanted to say i love you and we are happy for you.

couldn't speak.

i stood on the porch and waved goodbye... the caseworker did the best thing... he reached by and "helped" bubba wave...

and that's the last i saw.

i walked inside... and did the last thing i thought i would do... sat and sobbed... i figured i'd be sad... didn't expect the intensity.

glad for it, because otherwise we shouldn't do it.

since then, i spent the day on the edge of the river contemplating, picked up his stuff from daycare, drove alone across the state for a wedding, fielded tons of questions and sympathetic glances from hubby's family (while trying to turn the attention back to the happiness of the wedding), had more sleep since bubba came, drove back home behind my hubby and son, and now waiting for calls.

we have had 2 fake out placements (we might need you - could you??? - we'll call if we do --- and NO CALL) and we will be doing a respite care for a week in about a week.

the journey continues...