Thursday, June 9, 2011

invisible amputee

recently there has been a couple of hits on this blog b/c people are searching hysterectomies and grief - and i realized i have been very foster care centric... so to visit the original topic... hysterectomies and grief

what's normal in grief?

there is no normal... but for me grief rears its head at random moments...

some you expect, some you don't

it becomes a dull ache... not the piercing pain in the early days... but there like a sore tooth  and if you prod it it flares up

i think of ghost pains of amputees...

a hysterectomy is an amputation - just invisible to the naked eye. it's internal.

i wonder, when a man (or woman) who has lost the use of their legs, sees people racing around if they feel a tug... it's hard b/c it constant...

i feel a tug everytime i see a pregnant woman, an ad for birthcontrol or feminine items...

which is more often than you realize!

the feeling can be described as a mix of anger, grief, jealousy, and then quickly following... guilt.

why guilt? because while i don't think i should "be over it" - (i don't think there is such a thing). i want to do as the song says... bless him in the dark and in the pain... in the grief and all, count my blessings... and there are many. but for the split second (or if i think too long - minutes, and as this post says - even longer)


is it easier now than it was 5 (holy cow) years ago. but it's there... sigh


  1. Thanks for sharing. I can relate to the dull ache of grief. So happy that He does bring beauty out of the ashes. Even in the ache of it all, I know He's there.

  2. My favorite verse lately has been "those who is sow in tears will reap with songs of joy." Ps 126:5 (working on a devotional about it) By writing on this blog, you are sowing your tears. May God bring in an abundant harvest for you and for those blessed who read it.

  3. Thanks for writing about this again. I am a PPH/Hysterectomy survivor and just found your blog.