preperations and questions

cleaning out bubba's bag after visitation is interesting...

this time i found

* two outfits a size too small (but at least weather appropriate!)

* a pair of jammies the right size - a little warm - but i LOVE footie jammies

* a bag of peanut m&m's (last time it was a handful of dum-dums - which i can't stand for kids!)

* nice outfit we had packed to be changed into if need be (he was changed - into a pair of too small shorts)

* the letter and pictures i had sent for his parents...

the last one stops me cold... and raises questions

were they ignored? not seen? rejected?

his caseworker did not drop him off so i don't know how visitation went.

don't know how grandma's home study is progressing.

i am still preparing as if he will be leaving in 2 weeks.

father's day. he came to us just before mother's day. full circle.

i have picked a bag

my mother in law will embroider the first letter of his first name on it.

just for him.

hopefully it will fit all the clothes that fit.

i will nicely box up the too small stuff they sent.

will probably get another bag (probably one of the many totes we have floating around) for his toys that are HIS - from sweet friends for his birthday and a few others that he has fallen in love with while here.

i have told bee that bubba might be going to live with his grandma. i think he understands. i have had him think about if daddy and i went on a l=o=n=g vacation (not what we have said about bubba's parents but just something he can imagine us doing better than not being able to care for him) if he would rather stay with people he doesn't know or his grandma... and he kind of gets it. he's sad and a bit more cuddly since.

we are trying to prepare him for this as much as possible.

but he still introduces bubba as "our new brover"...

it may not happen.

but i don't want to cling to that thought.

honestly we aren't right for him. we don't belong to him. he needs family, or a family a little more... something. maybe i feel this way because we've always known he will leave.

this doesn't mean i'm not sad, that i don't love him to tiny little pieces.

it's a funky kind of sad... and it taints our days no matter how much i try to sweep it away.

he's just warming up to us... he is getting a little more cuddly... will that be encouraged? he needs hugs...

i just pray that this will be a move into a happier experience. that grandma puts his needs first and not those of her son. i pray the glimpses of the happy toddler we have seen blossom into a full time happy boy.