Thursday, June 30, 2011

never-made memories

what is odd about losing a child... even in this form of loss in which this child was lost... he was never ours... is the making of the never-made memories

as i drove across the state for a day of girlie fun (a tame bachelorette party - pedicures and dinner) i was bombarded with never-made memories

there were tons of road construction

i could almost hear bubba in the back seat - his excited grunts and gesturings... not unlike a teenaged boy seeing boobs... he would get the same joy out of seeing construction vehicles

it reminds me of the children's series by Margaret Peterson Haddix : The Missing, in the second book the children time travel and "alter" time - in doing so they also see what would have been... like ghost shadows on the top of what is happening...

you see how things could have happened like a ghost image on top of what has happened

in the same way i see bubba in our everyday life... i see him running up to bee while playing wii and getting in the circle of his arms to play with

i see him running in the rain and overgrown grass of our yard... running so fast his little body can't keep up and he faceplants on the ground

i wonder if it'll always be like this

will it continue with each child until my house is full of these children who aren't really there

will my never-made memories keep me from enjoying the real ones?


  1. I can't imagine. What I thought of as i read it was how I felt when u graduated and my grandmother wasn't there, then when I got married... Tough stuff, thinking and praying for you!

  2. tough stuff indeed. Praying for you and each child and the mark they leave on your life.