when the walk gets hard and ugly...

this is not a nice post, it is ugly, raw, but honest - it's a struggling post about trying to walk the walk of CHRIST while in this wretched body

i had felt that i have had so much progress in my grief. even a little proud of myself. reading the Ann Voskamp book on one thousand gifts. thinking, i can give thanks in this hard time of waiting for placement.

then today we recieved a phone call.

the details and background of this relationship are messy, the multilayered wounds from this person were starting to heal - today they've been ripped open again and are open gashing rents in the heart

it sounds awful, but she's pregnant. we aren't happy - few people who know the situation are. i will love this child, but cannot be happy she is pregnant.

thankful for friends who hold me to the fire that refines my soul...

i hear myself wanting to cry out, it's not fair... her womb is once AGAIN ripening with child, she is at the point where she feels her son stirring. she is for the fourth time going to bring a joyous life into the world.

i sit, empty.

it's NOT FAIR... why don't i get what i deserve -

SMACK

i don't get what i deserve, through the mercy of HIM, i am not getting what i deserve

she is so SELFISH

SMACK

so am i... every day i fight the struggle to put my child, my students, my husband and everyone else first... and by doing so to put HIM first

she is so PRIDEFUL

SMACK

so am i... i think i am a better parent... that i deserve a child and she doesn't, but where is the humility HE calls for in that???????

i have been studying how to heal families in foster care, promising i can work with and forgive parents thinking i will model the forgiveness of HIM to people who need HIM,

SMACK

but i cannot do it within my own family


IN CHRIST I CAN DO ALL......
i struggle to give thanks in this,
101. for the fact that in the midst of overwhelming odds, this little boy is so far healthy
102. for family who sheltered us from the news so that we could enjoy a good weekend out of town
103. for CHRISTlike friends who are holding me even now in their prayers... prayers i cherish
104. for HIM, HIS plan, whatever it is - while i can't see it, it's for our good
105. that the tears are the small stinging kind, i have survived this news - which i have feared since first having learned i have had a hysterectomy (as horrible as that sounds)... i will survive this