Wednesday, April 13, 2011


If authentic saving belief is the act of trusting then to choose stress in an act of disbelief…. Atheism

- Ann VosKamp – one thousand gifts


oh how this thought strikes fear in my soul

doubt is not the absence of faith, i have held fast for a long time to that thought – that doubt is faith seeking greater understanding…

i hadn’t considered what was a lack of faith, to think the stress out moments are that – a slap in the face of our almighty father is breathtakingly scary

how many times a day do i feel the ugly thief of stress creep up my back, my neck, and into my brain

in her book, ann mentions stress living in her toes, her fists, the bunched up neck. i feel it now, as i look over a room of 23 angry teenagers…

i’m sitting in after-school detention – a side gig. puts almost enough money in my pocket to pay for the tank of gas in my tiny car to come to work every week. it’s a blessing, this opportunity, but on these days i feel the stress begin around lunch. these students… blessings counted by their mommas (i hope) are in this room for a reason, skipping, tardy, insubordination, dress code, and it’s always a great injustice. i am the gatekeeper, the jailer, not the judge. the students do not see the blessing or grace that has been given them (detention – not suspension) (a time to read, do homework in a quiet setting)

today this boy is sitting in front of me and he is angry, he looks around for an audience, wants his fellow detentionees to pay attention TO HIM, so it will give him an opportunity to perform. he looks at the clock and sighs heavy – we have over an hour left. he turns to a friend and gives a big grin trying to get him to goof off as well.

i am patient, “turn around please”. i try to read, and in the peripheral of my eyes, i can see him looking around, smiling giggling. as i type i can look at him and see that he is still there still seeking that audience and approval of others, not me.

when GOD sees us, does HE see me as the child in a room full of detentionees… every moment we are here has a purpose, a goal in the eyes of HIM. even the times of trial are to help us to learn something, there is a purpose, it could be a blessing , but we waste the time… fidgeting, complaining, stressing… watching the clock for the NEXT thing… rather than taking advantage of the time we have been given. does he see us seeking the approval of others and not of HIM


  1. Thanks for sharing. I've been wondering the same thing about myself. I like the analogy that you use here. :)