Saturday, July 2, 2011

happy belated birthday bee

 truth is - i typed this ahead of time and meant to do autopost...
2 reasons -

1. we will be celebrating the marriage of hubby's youngest (of 6) siblings

2. the biggest reason - i can't think about the birthday on the birthday

a while ago, i took a survey and did an interview for survivors of pph and hysterectomies... it came back i was at risk for PTSD.

i think i am just really honest

most days are good... and this year i'm hoping bee's bday will be even better than most

BUT... i will not get any alone time - i will be w/ family. very in-your-face- stressed-out and (unfortunatly) drama ridden family.

i do not get along w/ one of my hubbies sisters. i've blogged about our fractured relationship before.

i am a bit more raw on my son's bday.

the day after even more.

the day i almost died.

it seems surreal to type and honestly sometimes i feel like i'm being my usual dramatic self.

but 20 units of blood... not so much the drama.

i have actually re-looked at the paperwork before to be sure i wasn't over-blowing the numbers.

i have had well-meaning people in the past BLOW IT OFF as me being selfish (that i don't like to celebrate his birthday ON his birthday - trust me we go all out before and after)

i think i've said it before - but you find out who is and isn't your real friends in the midst of trauma/tragedy.

it is a tad selfish.

i try.

what truly sucks is i LOVE this scene from Gilmore Girls - i want to do this w/ my child. but to relive the hours leading up to his birth and just after are too hard.

my hubby mentioned it one time... ooo.. .this is what was happening - and it was if i was hit with ice water - and it was the good stuff - not the bad.

but to think... ooo this is when we were leaving for the hospital, or ooo this is when he was being born... is to lead me to oooo... this is when they tried to send chef hubby home saying all was fine, or oooo... this is when the realized something was wrong... or esp the next day - this is when i woke up to a new reality...

so. even though i have typed this a week before - if you are reading it on or close to JUNE 25... say an extra prayer for me.

it still hurts

1 comment:

  1. I feel all your pain so deep in my heart. I have not yet faced the year mark since my near-death experience after birth. I am dreading it, as much as I am dreading my birthday coming up and how that will feel...a birthday that wasn't supposed to be. I am glad you write because I know that I am not alone. I hope by my comments (and if you read my blog) you know that you are not alone as I am struggling with you through this PPH/hysterectomy journey.