Tuesday, December 27, 2011

christmas w/ the bears

had an absolute blast with the bears and my bee on christmas.

spoiled them at the capacity that we are able to.

momma bear was a little more spoiled than the rest since we've never had a little girl (always makes me think of the line from Annie)

SUCH a blast...

but it brought up issues. not so much for the kiddies - they are so young, they know somethings up - but it doesn't seem to shake them up as much as others.

they were both so happy, but i felt myself getting sad at points, wondering what it'll be like next year.

the after christmas sales... not hitting them - usually i would go and buy a bunch of stuff in next year's sizes. don't know that they'll be here,  and while i would love for them to be here, if they were here next year - it would mean the A-word... adoption. which i would love - but scares the poo out of me. it's only our second placement - had hoped to help a few more kids. AND - it would mean we would have FOUR KIDS. 3 boys and and a girl. we would need to put 3 boys in a small room. we could do it - but holy cow.

and the BIG thing. i don't want to hope to adopt them. i want to keep hoping their parents pull it together. it's sweet when family tells us they hope that we'll get to keep them (or one of my least favs - ohhh, they're keepers!). or they tell us how much "better" they look - as if they're daddy was useless. i want them forever in our lives, i want them to be my babies forever but i pray for the success of their parents

it's such an odd place to be emotionally - i AM angry with their father that he hasn't picked it up and done what he needs to do so they could be home for christmas - and so thankful we had them for christmas. i pray that things will change and they can go home to their family - but know i will be in pieces when it happens because they are my children in every way that matters.

enjoying them in the moment... trying not to worry about the future

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