Saturday, June 11, 2011

where's bubba? no... seriously! WHERE"S BUBBA!

trying to have sense of humor... but about had a heart attack yesteraday.

fridays are visitation days, so we don't pick bubba up from daycare b/c the caseworker (or transporter) is supposed to bring him back to our house.

SUPPOSED to bring him back to OUR HOUSE.

harumph.

the case worker called my hubby to be sure we would be home - said he'd be there in 45 min (we are far from the home base for the cw).

we assumed he had bubba.

ASS U ME d.

i drive home (past the daycare) and get home to help clean up a little.

feeling good about everything.

i see the cw pull up. cool. i see him walk up to the door. alone.

????

in less than 2 seconds i had the following run through my head -

ohmylordtheyhavedecidedbubbacanstaywithgrandmaandjusthandedhimoverandwedidn'tgettosaygoodbyeandthecwishereforhisstuffwewillneverseehimagain,howarewegoingtoexplainthistobee?

i opened the door and said... suprisingly calmly, where's bubba? did something happen at visitation?

the caseworker looked at me and said, what? he's not here?

the 2 second freak out was nothing compared to the drop of my stomach and nasuea that hit.

in 10 minutes or so it was all figured out.

the transporter did NOT bring him to our house - nah - took him back to daycare. the one i passed on my way home from work. the one that is 20 minutes from our house.

ergh.

<3 our caseworker - he was professional - but you could tell he was 1. embarrased, 2. ticked at the transporter 3. wanted to fix it.

he offered to go get bubba. my hubby agreed w/ me that it would be better for him to go, so not to add trauma to bubba's day since he had already had several "other" people transport him and it would be confusing to get in the car with the guy who takes him to visitation and then come to our house.

small bump - but still my heart was breaking. bubba doesn't care for daycare, he bawls when dropped off. he had to do that twice yesterday. he had to have been so confused. PLUS - he was picked up an hour and a half later than usual. he waits for me by the gate at exactly 320 everyday.

****also was told that the decision about gma and moving will be done next week - not the 20th. worried that it'll end up he will leave the same day as our son's bday party - not cool. :(

Thursday, June 9, 2011

invisible amputee

recently there has been a couple of hits on this blog b/c people are searching hysterectomies and grief - and i realized i have been very foster care centric... so to visit the original topic... hysterectomies and grief

what's normal in grief?

there is no normal... but for me grief rears its head at random moments...

some you expect, some you don't

it becomes a dull ache... not the piercing pain in the early days... but there like a sore tooth  and if you prod it it flares up

i think of ghost pains of amputees...

a hysterectomy is an amputation - just invisible to the naked eye. it's internal.

i wonder, when a man (or woman) who has lost the use of their legs, sees people racing around if they feel a tug... it's hard b/c it constant...

i feel a tug everytime i see a pregnant woman, an ad for birthcontrol or feminine items...

which is more often than you realize!



the feeling can be described as a mix of anger, grief, jealousy, and then quickly following... guilt.

why guilt? because while i don't think i should "be over it" - (i don't think there is such a thing). i want to do as the song says... bless him in the dark and in the pain... in the grief and all, count my blessings... and there are many. but for the split second (or if i think too long - minutes, and as this post says - even longer)

ugh.

is it easier now than it was 5 (holy cow) years ago. but it's there... sigh

Monday, June 6, 2011

so confused!

called the CW - mr e today. (asked several questions)

but i really wanted to know about the pictures, he said the parents didn't really go into the bag so he thinks they missed it... AND - they sent pictures for us to put in the special album we have for bubba! (yay!)

i could have SWORN he told me bubba would possibly be leaving by the 20th... now he's saying they will review his case on the 20th and also it looks like there are issues w/ grandma's home study so maybe not :(. it's of course not final, but until then, alot of waiting

so sad.

we love the booger, but would love for him to be w/ his family (if safe!)...

counting my blessings that if i were unable to care for my child - there are several friends and family who would step up... and be approved

181 -

181. the scent of pinesol and a freshly mopped floor

182. the shade of our tree and the breeze in the front yard - a true blessing in this part of the world

183. trying out a new recipe

184. a hubby with knife skills to execute said recipe


185. a couple of smiles from our sweet sad two year old

186. every other night bedtime duty w/ bubba

187. sweetly tacky shell light to read the word by during bedtime duty


188. little hands covered in paint... learning to explore and hopefully express


189. random hugs from an unaffectionate boy
190. cool activities in town to entertain little boys who need to be OUT OF the house

191. a mom who will go with

192. a mntn dew - nectar of the gods from my favorite sissy

193. 2 lil' boys lovin' the sea river

194. veggie tales - and how i can apply what i've learned from this childrens series to the sermon sunday morning!






















Sunday, June 5, 2011

preperations and questions

cleaning out bubba's bag after visitation is interesting...

this time i found

* two outfits a size too small (but at least weather appropriate!)

* a pair of jammies the right size - a little warm - but i LOVE footie jammies

* a bag of peanut m&m's (last time it was a handful of dum-dums - which i can't stand for kids!)

* nice outfit we had packed to be changed into if need be (he was changed - into a pair of too small shorts)

* the letter and pictures i had sent for his parents...

the last one stops me cold... and raises questions

were they ignored? not seen? rejected?

his caseworker did not drop him off so i don't know how visitation went.

don't know how grandma's home study is progressing.

i am still preparing as if he will be leaving in 2 weeks.

father's day. he came to us just before mother's day. full circle.

i have picked a bag


my mother in law will embroider the first letter of his first name on it.

just for him.

hopefully it will fit all the clothes that fit.

i will nicely box up the too small stuff they sent.

will probably get another bag (probably one of the many totes we have floating around) for his toys that are HIS - from sweet friends for his birthday and a few others that he has fallen in love with while here.

i have told bee that bubba might be going to live with his grandma. i think he understands. i have had him think about if daddy and i went on a l=o=n=g vacation (not what we have said about bubba's parents but just something he can imagine us doing better than not being able to care for him) if he would rather stay with people he doesn't know or his grandma... and he kind of gets it. he's sad and a bit more cuddly since.

we are trying to prepare him for this as much as possible.

but he still introduces bubba as "our new brover"...

it may not happen.

but i don't want to cling to that thought.

honestly we aren't right for him. we don't belong to him. he needs family, or a family a little more... something. maybe i feel this way because we've always known he will leave.

this doesn't mean i'm not sad, that i don't love him to tiny little pieces.

it's a funky kind of sad... and it taints our days no matter how much i try to sweep it away.

he's just warming up to us... he is getting a little more cuddly... will that be encouraged? he needs hugs...

i just pray that this will be a move into a happier experience. that grandma puts his needs first and not those of her son. i pray the glimpses of the happy toddler we have seen blossom into a full time happy boy.

Friday, June 3, 2011

surprise visitation and some maybe news

lil’ man is off at visitation today…


i can’t help but think of him as i sit at work… right now mr e is picking him up from daycare and loading him up in the car

does he realize this means he gets to see mommy and daddy…

are mommy and daddy going to bring the pictures i asked for so we can set up frames and albums so we can talk and process that they are his parents and he will see them again?

mr e did a surprise visit yesterday, i happened to be home prepping the house for Bee’s graduation dinner… would have normally been at bible study.

bubba was sleeping.

talked w/ mr e for a while.

grandma is looking to get custody.

smile, sigh…

that is a GOOD thing… but i am sad… sad that this sad 2 yr old will be what i remember – working hard to get the giggles and smiles – but it is HARD… but life is HARD and doing what HE asks is what is HARD… HARD is worth it.

i should be doing lesson plans…

not researching duffel bags to pack his things in… but my fingers type the websites in and i find myself obsessing over quality and size and price… what’s the best deal…

it’s not 100% yet, gma has to get her home study approved. but mr e said IF it’s approved they are hoping by June 20.

2 weeks.

half the time he’s been with us…

i’ve known in my heart he wasn’t to stay with us, that he isn’t meant for us… but i’ve gotten used to his chubby face and clear blue eyes… i’ve wanted to see the smiles, i’ve ached for him as i do now wondering what he is thinking and what is going through his sweet lil’ head…

i hope this will be the best – i pray GOD watches over him… i pray for wisdom in how to make this transition easy

Tuesday, May 31, 2011

letters home..........

what to write???

i wanted to ask this on facebook - but was not sure... b/c who knows the responses i may get...

i like sending notes w/ the caseworker to bubba's parents...

we are still under the impression that reunification is the main goal... so to keep them attached i keep the letters going....

but it feels odd...

not TOO many details - don't want them to figure out the county (or town) we live in --- trying not to be obvious about leaving out details, but it's difficult.

i also send pictures - but again - leaving out details, like our son's face, our faces, license plates, numbers on mailboxes... etc...

Sooooo.... my question for all y'all in cyberspace...

Any ideas for prompts for parent letters???

some examples of what i've done so far...