IT'S STUCK! (or how my son embarrased me at home of pot)

good blogging calls for a light-hearted funny post after uber serious... so... for future mortification of my son, let me tell you how he mortified me tonight

i am not easily embarrassed.... i appreciate good potty humor... i am not squeamish (after all, i am a MOM)

so, tonight, when i say my son's potty antics were mortifying, they were... but also the kind that makes you want to pee-your-pants from laughing...

we ran to our local mega-hardware store (home-of-pot), and bought MORE stuff we didn't realize we needed for our addition.

we then did the cardinal no-no and started looking around (after 8 pm on a school night - gasp! already have lost my gold-star momma award)

chef daddy and i realized how late it was and he went to check out while Bee and I decided to go check out patio furniture. we are about to head out when Bee looks at me and announces he has to go potty. we live less than 5 minutes from the store, but he has to go NOW. he then grasps his little man bits with a death grip as we walk from the front of the store to the back.

as we get in he says... i gotta poop.

now - none of this embarrasses me - but the litany of info to come from my boy on the potty made me pray prayers of thanksgiving that no one else was in the restroom and plees that no one outside would hear him

"MOMMA... IT'S STUCK - HELP ME!"

***bee, momma can't help you - plus - you are locked in the potty, i can't get to you

"PLEASE MOMMA HELP ME, I CAN'T GET IT OUT!"

***baby, just push

"UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN"

"I THINK IT'S GOING TO TAKE UNTIL MORNING!"

"PLEASE MOMMA!"

"WHAT IF IT NEVER COMES OUT?"

"THIS IS TAKING FOREVER"

"MOMMA, COME GET IT OUT"

***Bee, just calm down and push, it'll come out

then from the stall in a sing-songy voice
"POO-POO STUCKY, POO-POO-POO-POO STUCKY" (ending on a great falsetto high note)

regular voice
"MOMMA... I THINK THIS POOP IS TOO HARD FOR MY BLOOD CELLS, WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO STAY HERE FOREVER"

"PLEASE MOMMA, PLEASE COME AND HELP ME"

***Bee, there is nothing I can do honey, do you want to go home? Can you wait?

"NO... MOMMA, HOW WOULD YOU HELP ME?"

***silence - in my head all i can think is please don't go there

*** then --- "AHHHHH, I'M DONE!"

***toilet flushes

Bee squeals

"EEEEEEEEE.... THE TOILET SHOT POOPOO JUICE ALL OVER ME"

and i, i just sigh... and decide - daddy is taking him to the potty from now on!

when the walk gets hard and ugly...

this is not a nice post, it is ugly, raw, but honest - it's a struggling post about trying to walk the walk of CHRIST while in this wretched body

i had felt that i have had so much progress in my grief. even a little proud of myself. reading the Ann Voskamp book on one thousand gifts. thinking, i can give thanks in this hard time of waiting for placement.

then today we recieved a phone call.

the details and background of this relationship are messy, the multilayered wounds from this person were starting to heal - today they've been ripped open again and are open gashing rents in the heart

it sounds awful, but she's pregnant. we aren't happy - few people who know the situation are. i will love this child, but cannot be happy she is pregnant.

thankful for friends who hold me to the fire that refines my soul...

i hear myself wanting to cry out, it's not fair... her womb is once AGAIN ripening with child, she is at the point where she feels her son stirring. she is for the fourth time going to bring a joyous life into the world.

i sit, empty.

it's NOT FAIR... why don't i get what i deserve -

SMACK

i don't get what i deserve, through the mercy of HIM, i am not getting what i deserve

she is so SELFISH

SMACK

so am i... every day i fight the struggle to put my child, my students, my husband and everyone else first... and by doing so to put HIM first

she is so PRIDEFUL

SMACK

so am i... i think i am a better parent... that i deserve a child and she doesn't, but where is the humility HE calls for in that???????

i have been studying how to heal families in foster care, promising i can work with and forgive parents thinking i will model the forgiveness of HIM to people who need HIM,

SMACK

but i cannot do it within my own family


IN CHRIST I CAN DO ALL......
i struggle to give thanks in this,
101. for the fact that in the midst of overwhelming odds, this little boy is so far healthy
102. for family who sheltered us from the news so that we could enjoy a good weekend out of town
103. for CHRISTlike friends who are holding me even now in their prayers... prayers i cherish
104. for HIM, HIS plan, whatever it is - while i can't see it, it's for our good
105. that the tears are the small stinging kind, i have survived this news - which i have feared since first having learned i have had a hysterectomy (as horrible as that sounds)... i will survive this

waiting… not so patiently

about a week ago we were told we would be getting the paperwork and it would be sent off by friday, april 1


it’s april 5… not done yet

i love our resource manager, she is great… but i am not the patient kind

the longer it takes, the longer until kids come

irony – just a month or so i was freaking out b/c it was coming too fast. now that the thought has entered my head… kids before easter… it’s there… and the deadline for getting that paperwork in to make that possible, is not being met.

this is good, the playroom addition isn’t done, but my kids are out there… peanut <>

i feel myself stressing, and remind myself, in HIS time, but it’s hard…

REJOICE IN THE LORD ALWAYS… oh it’s so hard… why the timing, why the pain, why this twisted, tumbling path that has led us to this moment in this place and time…

the wounds are raw today, the waiting like small grains of sand and salt… yet i am under HIS will, HIS commands – REJOICE, GIVE THANKS…



so… i will rejoice and give thanks for…

96. a few more days/weeks that Bee will be an only child – full attention and love

97. extra time to get prepared and organized

98. sleep we get now that we won’t get w/ an infant

99. moments of cuddle time w/ Bee that are just for him

100. the opportunity to turn and trust HIM and HIS PLAN

Foster Shower Part I (why?)

today my sister threw me an awesome foster shower...

pics and activities to follow...

but first i thought i would talk about the purpose of the shower... it wasn't for the stuff... showers are never for the STUFF (well not just the stuff)

showers are for the love and for the support

showers are to show the future mother that you are there for her and will be there for her

my sister mentioned that as she searched for info and ideas on foster showers, she found little information on throwing foster showers, rather she found "controversy" around the idea of a foster shower, that since foster parents are paid - they don't need the stuff... and that there shouldn't be a shower

they are right (and wrong) being "paid" --- ha... it's an interesting comment --- the paid portion is true, but it's not that much (the payment is less than you would pay for boarding a dog for that amount of time)

even still, when a family expands through birth, often there is a shower (even if they have older children) something small just to mark the occasion.

why not so w/ foster care?

what a better way to show your friend/family member that you are behind them? that you will be there for them to support them in a scary time...

foster care may not include birth - but there is labor... so why not show your support?

it's odd for me to realize that some people go into this without support...

i have been blessed, so blessed, to have our friends and family behind us 110%

God's Grace in Renovating

As I look around our little house and the work we are doing I am reminded of God's Grace in small ways...

I have to paint 3 coats of white paint to cover the taupe that had been there previously... after the first coat, the streaks of the old color show through and look unfinished, and not quite right

I think of how GOD works in my life, but at times, the rough spots still show through. I continue to spend time in the word, seek him through prayer and worship, and slowly, like the many layers of semi-gloss white - more of HIM will show, I will reflect more of HIM and less of me

As my sweet Bee patches holes in our new playroom, I think of how over 5 years, my spirit wounded, my body broken, my sense of motherhood and womanhood dealt a heavy blow... those holes were slowly filled. Godly women speaking into my life, the opportunity to mother this crazy lil' man, and to LIVE... each slowly filling in the holes.

Life has continued... times haven't been any easier - but like the sandpaper smooths out the bumps, the daily living of life - and the opportunity to continue to bring my problems BIG and small to our Father, have set a finish to my life.... that is soothing.

As anyone in home ownership knows... this will be an ongoing process - just as with the remodeling and the molding of my life...

Grateful to see these moments as lessons in HIM

thankfulness didn't take a break - just the blogging

in the madness of classes, licensing, additions and life, the recording of thankfulness fell through the cracks... i still remembered and spoke them, but the writing down... not so much


grateful that

79. God doesn't keep a track of my faults
80. HE doesn't need to read my blog to know what is on my mind
81. HE gives me strength just when i need it (the perfect hymn in church yesterday just as i began to doubt and feel overwhelmed in our journey)
82. friends who will come over and help put up walls, play in sprinklers, and just chill... no massive plans, just quiet fellowship
83. our pizzas came with 2 butter garlic dishes... EACH
84. daycares that are open during spring break so i can get stuff done on these precious days off
85. dropping Bee off later and picking him up early to make up for taking him in on Spring Break -
86. a 6'4" father to hold up the drywall for the ceiling as my (much shorter) hubby drills it in
87. a room that is slowly taking shape to hold the toys and games for children
88. kids by easter???? becoming a real possibility
89. love, support and prayers -> few doubters in our journey (at least that matter :))
90. L is home...             (their plane landed last night!)
91. a real life friend who is a blogging blessing
92. rediscovering the joy of a hot cup of tea
93. having a sweet boy who knows nothing of gender stereotypes wanting to sip a cup of tea w/ his momma :)
94. a hubby comfortable in life to not put the kibosh on the above blessing
95. the voice of said hubby singing along to paul simon as he continues to drywall the lil' addition :)

Lesson Planning for Foster Care (and other random thoughts)

Today was a teacher work day in the county I teach.

I spent the day sorting worksheets, filing, and... creating lesson plans for when we get placed.

Very surreal.

I created 2 different "emergency" day packets. I'm sure I need 2 or 3 more, but it was just odd to realize that they will be used shortly.

I set up lessons for the end of the 9 weeks units (the ones I always rush through) hoping to keep the time with the sub useful

It is a crazy thing taking off work as a teacher (tons more work than most realize).

I can't believe in about 3 weeks we will be licensed.

As I prepped I couldn't help but think about where our peanut is RIGHT NOW. Peanut is most likely already born. Peanut is most likely already in the midst of whatever drama is going to cause them to be removed.

I have had great family and friends mention how lucky Peanut is going to be to live with us. I understand the sentiment and think it's sweet. I can't help but think though, how Peanut will not necessarily think that. We have learned alot through the process of research and MAPP about loss in foster care (and adoption). Peanut will be losing their bio-family. For a time or forever. NOT LUCKY. UNLUCKY.

I am glad Peanut will have us over a substandard foster care home or over a shelter.

I just wish we weren't necessary at all.

I always pray that GOD is preparing Peanut for us, but I wish there was not a need for foster care, I wish all parents could care for their children in the minimal required to keep them safe, loved, and whole.