things that now pop up in autocomplete...

xxxx clerk of court

xxxx inmate search

xxxx court

and now... for the fourth time... googling directions to xxxx court house.

(((((sigh))))) my life is so weird 

a buck fifty

so...

i will preface this post that i know that i happen to be extra cranky... about something un-postable at the moment... in truth i am MAD... at God, at the world, i want to scream kick and cuss....

so...

enter well meaning woman at the the local thrift store

we are licensed through a group that does a bunch of stuff for kids in the system. one of the ways they fund their philanthropy is through a thrift shop. something cool the thrift shop does - is as a foster parent i can request a voucher (which is sent to the store) and i can go pick out stuff for my kiddies.

i haven't done it because we are blessed with hand me downs, and i happen to know the selection is thin pickings at the store... but i was headed in anyway (with a big @$$donation of adult clothing) so i figured out what the heck?!?! momma bear has recently hit a growth spurt.. i bought a bunch of stuff at a big consignment shindig - but a few more t-shirts would round out the collection nicely.

our licensing counselor kept telling me i should take advantage of it...

well... i'd waited so long - no voucher on record... i have lost my check card and had no cash... i told the lady this up front... i would have been totally cool is she told me to come back later... but she "helped"me shop.

check out the 25 cent clothes first please... ummm... ok... she kept showing me size 5 stuff (momma bear JUST moved up to size 3... i know it doesn't look like a big difference - but y'all w/ lil' ones know there is)... and at one point kept showing me long sleeve shirts saying "you could just cut the sleeves"...

ummm... no thanks... i want to avoid the screaming label "I AM IN FOSTER CARE AND DON'T RANK NICER CLOTHES RAGAMUFFIN LOOK"

when we went inside she showed me where the other clothes were but was quick to tell me not to pick the purple tagged clothes - those are the newer things (ummm... k)

in all i got 6 items --- all tagged at 25 cents... so for the hassle of feeling like

1. a charity case
2. my kid doesn't rank the nicer stuff

a got a buck fifty worth of clothes... 2 things i wouldn't have picked but the lady kept pressing me

maybe if she hadn't been dressed to the 9's w/ fabulous make up it wouldn't have bugged me... but a little voice in my head made me want to scream - would you "cut the sleeves"for your grandbabies?!?!? i doubt it!

don't think i'll do it again... reminded me of this post by my foster-hero fosterhood

****again i'm in a high pissy mood right now***

drug of a country

i've seen the bumper sticker and giggled

tv - the drug of choice

but wow

i gave up netflix (mostly) for lent...

i... am... an addict

it has been odd these past few weeks.

coming home and not crashing on the couch in exhaustion and watching an episode or two or six of NUMB3RS.

i knew that i couldn't go cold turkey - like a meth addict i would curl up and die (no not really) but i knew i would absolutely fail

so... i allowed myself 3 hours a week. for someone who used to watch more than 3 hours a day - drastic. i gave myself the 3 hours b/c my hubby and i have some shows we watch together that come on weekly - and it's nice to have that...

of course - they have been doing RERUNS during lent!

also - i didn't count in "family movie nights"...

but i digress... the amount i of time i realize i have now is embarrassing --- also --- i'm not as tired...

hoping i can continue the less tv after lent... having the whole "if christ could sacrifice all for you, you can sacrifice tv for him" card has def. helped :)

oh... and i've found more time for blogging ;)

too small

having a foster-first

packing up all the too small clothes i've bought for momma bear...

looking at the outfit she first came to us in...

pink fuzz pants and an oshkosh shirt...

she's outgrown clothes in her time here...

she started in 18mo-2t

just bought her a bunch of 3ts

will she outgrow those with us too????

what was the word???

i originally began this blog in order to tell the story of my pph/hysterectomy... and realize it's been awhile...

as the title of the blog suggests... it's there all the time... the grief of the option of biochildren being taken...

it's a dull ache, but there...

things that are also hard to deal with are the side effects...

i never know if it's from the hysterectomy or if it's from age or just who i am...

my memory SUCKS

i miss words..... my friends and family are regularly ready to fill in the blanks of the words i can't recall

most of the joints in my body have a dull ache

i am EXHAUSTED

they are all side effects listed on those fun websites like hystersister

but they are also side effects of being a mom of 3 children (ages 5, 2, and 9 mos).

i know i have a few fellow hysterectomy survivors... pph-ers out there...

anyone else noticed odd side effects?

grouchy...

feeling hypocritical...

want to see biodad and yell at him

praying for grace

praying for ability to forgive...

some may think he "deserves" my b#$*chy thoughts... even if he does - what do i deserve????

as a believer i know what i deserve and what i've been given...

not through my power, but through HIS love and forgiveness

i said mean and nasty things about biodad tonight to my hubby... i want to lash out... but i speak of forgiveness, of modeling christ's love to those who need it...

but in my heart... i'm pissed and i think he's worthless... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

fighting it... praying for him more earnestly

things i can't facebook....

sometimes i have random thoughts --- "status updates" that can't be posted... too many "friends" on facebook - my parents, others who would say things that wouldn't be quite right... like - maybe you'll get to keep them!



right now... my unpostable status...


it's been one of those days... where i wish... they wouldn't have to leave... i wish they were born of me... i wish i had known her in the lil' squishy baby days...

sigh

but... they will most likely go HOME... and i will have to be ok with it... it will be the right thing... and i'll be lucky to be a memory in their young minds