Wednesday, March 14, 2012

what was the word???

i originally began this blog in order to tell the story of my pph/hysterectomy... and realize it's been awhile...

as the title of the blog suggests... it's there all the time... the grief of the option of biochildren being taken...

it's a dull ache, but there...

things that are also hard to deal with are the side effects...

i never know if it's from the hysterectomy or if it's from age or just who i am...

my memory SUCKS

i miss words..... my friends and family are regularly ready to fill in the blanks of the words i can't recall

most of the joints in my body have a dull ache


they are all side effects listed on those fun websites like hystersister

but they are also side effects of being a mom of 3 children (ages 5, 2, and 9 mos).

i know i have a few fellow hysterectomy survivors... pph-ers out there...

anyone else noticed odd side effects?


  1. I *always* feel overly emotional and exhausted after having a baby. 8 months out, I'm still feeling this way. Having babies has been SO hard on my body. I have had 6 pregnancies and 5 uterine/abdominal surgeries in a 6 year time span. My body is just TIRED in general, I feel.

    I think my grief over losing my uterus isn't really grief over losing my uterus so much as it is just trying to figure out where to go from here. 100% of my energies have been focused on trying to get pregnant, staying pregnant, miscarrying, thinking of best times to conceive, trying not to vomit before ultrasounds, hoping there is nothing wrong at the "big" scan, trying to manage anxiety that gets worse DURING pregnancy, etc, etc, ad nauseum.

    I had had my tube (I had lost one in an emergency ectopic surgery two years before) tied that morning and know that regardless of losing the uterus or not, I would have grieved the loss of my fertility...the loss of "loss".

    Loss has become so commonplace in this area of my life, I've realized it's where I'm most comfortable.

    I don't know "how to be" when things are normal.

    It actually makes me quite anxious, not to be preparing for one or another kind of loss, pregnancy or otherwise.

  2. I just added some more to the above comment and turned it into a blog post. Thank you for the question. :)

    I'm glad to have found you on here!!!!!!!!

  3. I forget - Did you lose your ovaries too? You may want to have your doctor check your hormone levels. It could be that your remaining ovary/ovaries (if any) have stopped working (which happens a lot). I lost mine, so I went into menopause right after my PPH/hyster - and I've definitely felt old and tired all the time.

  4. Oh and I get the noun-aphasia (forgetting words and nouns especially) a lot when my hormone levels are low! So, I definitely think that could be hormone related.

    Yes, it's also mommy-brain with 3 kids, but it is so much worse than that! I remember it being so much easier to think and understand things before my pph/hyster. Crazy that so many of us experience the memory issue. At first I thought it was the sedation from being under for so many hours as they tried to control the bleeding. Now I also find it to be related to my estrogen levels being low.

    Anyway, I digress . . . Just want you to know that I am reading and that you are not alone! :)