display of trust (?)

today i was surprised...

i picked up the bears from school... and was excited to see that there were gifts from their daddy from visitation.

as i was reviewing the contents of the package, and surprised to find at the bottom of the bag.

STOCKINGS.

he sent their stockings...

crazy, but i took it as a sign of trust. 

loss and a miracle

my grandpa passed away on wednesday evening

grief is surreal - doesn't matter that he was 91 - he was my grandpa, my father's father, my son's greatpapa.

in the preparing for his death and the funeral i have lost 3 weeks of december... time stood still for us and zoomed by during the busiest of all seasons.

as i was wallowing in my grief i got a call...

from the woman of that sad story i couldn't share... a miracle of all miracles. after being told by specialist after specialist that there was no hope for her unborn son, that he would be born and survive hours, days, maybe weeks.... after being told the best choice to preserve her sanity would be to terminate his life. they are scratching their heads. things which shouldn't have been able to have happen, have happened.

he will live... he will live... a true christmas miracle - a resurrection of sorts... the news received the day before the funeral of my grandfather... one has died, one will be born and be spared a certain death.

joyous... grieving.... life

little bit by little bit

~ i feel good and i feel like i shouldn't - which is stupid.

~ things are still not right...

~ my grandfather is officially in hospice care, but he is in his home where he wants to be, with his dog

~ our kids' guardian ad litem is coming on tuesday most likely, but our kids finally have a guardian ad litem

~ the case worker i am not fond of is coming by soon, to introduce me to the NEW case worker

~ my house is a mess, but less of a mess than it was at the beginning of the day

~ the playroom is not done, but it's been emptied and is ready to be painted and the sliders are down

~ missed work on friday due to some freaky stomach bug, but i got to sleep ALL DAY because kids were at school....

~ not sure how to end this post... but i'm starting to blog again :):):)

strange thought

caught myself as i was staring at my grandfather lying in his hospital bed....

i was staring at his legs... the legs his mom probably bandaged when he was a kid

he has these little scars on his legs, they remind me of the bug bite scars bee has all over his legs...

i wonder, are those the bug bites HIS momma asked him not to scratch?

as i hold his hand, as he lies there battling pneumonia, are those the same marks a sassy-mouthed 5 yr old scratched 86 years ago.... and some day, will my son's granddaughter be experiencing what i am experiencing now? wondering what i am wondering now.

anxiety

anxiety still high... but working on speaking w/ husband... have had a few freak out moments... and he is trying to roll with it. the main issue has been clean up from flood (yes ---- 3 mo's later the house is still upside down) so he is doing what he can to resolve it. it's VERY hard to get stuff done w/ a two year old in the house. the 5 yr old is helpful, the 6 mos old stays still... the 2 yr old is in it all undoing what has just been done and isn't self entertained.

in addition work is out of control - all the teachers are stressed about a new schedule we have, exams without enough time to prepare the kids, and some other stuff which does not seem to be in the best interest of the students. all decisions made by legislators NOT educators.

there is another sad story which isn't mine to tell... close friend... major complications, will be losing her child shortly after he is born.

my sweet son's behavior is beyond out of control lately. in fact... i was staying home from church to try to get a leg up on some alone time while listening to my favorite hymns and cleaning the growing mess. but 10 minutes into the church service the hubby calls to have me come get my boy. "mocking voice" has been a struggle lately - and he was doing it in church... ugh...

and the cherry on the top... my 92 year old grandfather is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. i haven't been able to spend as much time with him as i would like in the past 6 mos... but know that we have done what has had to be done.

all of this at my favorite time of the year... and i haven't even pulled out our advent box... so sad to think this christmas season will pass and i feel that i haven't been speaking into the soul of my children...

<<<>>> this too shall pass....

promises that shouldn't be made

court on monday

nervous

bears' dad will be there (hopefully)

we will speak to judge if he desires... heard he requests fp name for the record... will try to go just off foster mom... but we will see... haven't wanted our name ON THE RECORD b/c then we can be found. case worker says dad isn't that resourceful. will keep faith...

have heard dad is promising kids they'll be home for Christmas... case worker tells me she doesn't see it happening... but it is all in the judges hands.

whatever is best.

my fear is that we will walk into court and be told pack them up... praying for least a week warning whenever that does happen. Just enough time for us to come to terms and to prep bee.

praying hard for the best, praying that GOD will give us peace in whatever happens.

praying for the bears' big brother and father. if the judge doesn't work it so the kids are home by christmas - they will both be desperately disappointed. praying that it doesn't discourage dad from trying his hardest.

would love to see the kids go for overnight or weekend visits.... if they are to go home... would give us time to adjust - and them - and we would get breaks :)

feeling powerless - but know HE who has the power is in control....

paralyzing anxiety

i had had a rough day

the thoughts were bombarding my brain

life is not anything like i had planned

and not in the good way

i walked into the publix and everywhere i looked i saw suffering in other's eyes...

i felt the pressure on my chest - the shortness of breath - the heartbreak

the feelings i had had the first few months after bee was born

i was able to get it together just enough to grab some frozen dinners, an avocado, and a bottle of pinot grigio

sometimes it's still way too hard

but it'll be better

i have to restart and refresh

i need to be back in the word

i need to self reflect and catch the downward spiral at the beginning instead of the end

i need to count the blessings

i need to breathe