Mother's Day

our first day with bubba... bee had a mother's day luncheon at his school...

i was greated with this at my table

 *i love you mom in sign language*

then as the class came in, i was greeted with this

then i had the joy of eating w/ my sweet boy

later in the day, he wrote me this sweet note (originally he asked me how to spell dear momma i love that you came to my luncheon)

today, i saw this beautiful sight

 

tomorrow, i will spend the day with two awesome boys

 

i will have a lunch made for me by my hubby and my father

i will eat with my boys, my hubby, my dad, and his parents

(my mother is out of town with her mom and my sister)

bubba's mother...

she doesn't know where he is

she is in a place of limited freedom

she won't get a gift tomorrow

she will eventually get a card

***how difficult that was to pick up --- finally decided on a card that said I love you bunches.... all the other ones said Mom you're the greatest***

she will eventually get a little photo album of pictures we have taken since he's been with us

she will eventually get these drawings her son made and the outlines of his hands

she will eventually get this note from me hoping to give her peace of mind

but tomorrow... she will not see her son, she will not know where he is

we all make mistakes, we all errors...

i just can't imagine paying the price she is paying... not spending time w/ this awesome kiddo

the EXCHANGE

in order to get bubba we had to meet up w/ the woman who had him from time of removal (about 2 or 3 nights)

we got NO paperwork - apparently neither did she.

we are still waiting for the "green folder".

we know little to nothing about his situation - which even if we did... couldn't share.

the little we've been told is NO visits and probably won't be for a while due to issues not related to him.

there is a possible family member in the north of the state, so we think a few weeks to a month or so.

when we picked him up, the first thing i thought was how cute, and then - HE"S HUGE! he was wearing a size 4 outfit - it was a little big (not much) but we have him in 3s. (they fit - and our 5 year old still wears his 4s!)

anyway - we ended up picking him up in the parking lot of a restaraunt the emergency foster care mom was attending an event at.

we took a quick pic, grabbed a small laundry hamper and diaper bag of his stuff and hopped in the car.

poor boy cried and cried for "momma". (or so i thought mamama is everything).

my heart broke for the little guy. he had a toy that seemed to be from home, and it gave him no comfort.

i noticed though, his crying would pause when he saw a big truck, or digging machine... so out of our diaper bag came the book of trucks i brought along (figuring what boy doesn't like trucks).

GOLDMINE! this bubba truly loves all things with wheels.

guck guck is what he says anytime he sees a truck and we pointed out trucks and such all the way to my dad's office where we picked up Bee... who was super excited to lay eyes on his new "brover".

next up.... first days

THE call

just like we were told - we got a call for our first placement BEFORE we got a call saying we were licensed.

and a week before the date we were told we would hear by.

first time (and probably ONLY time) we have gotten anything done early in this process.

in a truly - you gotta be "$h**ing me, that only happen in movies" moment, i got the call from hubby that he had gotten THE CALL while out with some girl friends (actually a text because i ignored his first call - did not think in a million years that was why he was calling!)

we were out celebrating one's new job - and we figured it would be the last time in a while i would be able to go out since placement was pending... these women are my support, my prayer warriors, my life-partners (you know how i mean that), fellow christ-followers....

one has helped me through the majority of the grieving process... and i held her hand and rubbed her legs as she labored and birthed her second son.... and in a surreal moment - she was sitting next to me as i "birthed" my second son... GOD was at that table at that little spanish restaurant...

so... the call...

all we were told was white boy - just turned two, and that there is family that is being located... when i asked hubby for the name the first time as i was sitting at the table - he realized HE FORGOT TO ASK!

we decided yes - this fit our parameters... so while hubby called for pick up/drop off info (and to find out his name)... us ladies giggled at the fact that while in my mind i had invisioned our first to be a little black girl we were getting the opposite!

since we didn't have a name we were joking about what it would be and (due to the agricultural area we were told he is from) two of us busted out at the same time with - BUBBA!

and oh how it fits...

more to follow on the pick-up and first day... we are now about 40 hours in... just finished second bed time... surviving it - loving it!

he knows...

the sorrow

the grief

don't tell me a 2 (or is it 3 year old) doesn't grieve

that his heart isn't shredded by the betrayal

he cries out for his parents...

what have they done?

i don't know and he doesn't care

it's way past his bedtime

he's exhausted

he wants his mommy - (and someone else mimi)

i want them to be what they need to be so he can go home to them

first placement call!

oh my!

8 days (not business) after our license was submitted - we got our first call.

more details to follow - happened in the most awesome timing in the world - i was sitting at a great restaurant with some women who have walked this journey with me.

GOD was at that table!

100 posts and just over a year...

i have learned over the past year

to look for blessings in the little things

to breathe more

to love more

to pray more

is IT easier? sure... but there are still times where IT hits me like a ton of bricks and takes away my breath.

just this past weekend at my cousin's wedding... went to the ladies room during the reception and as i was shutting the door... it hit me... in one week, we could be getting a phone call for a child to enter our home.

why are we already on this path of foster care? so much earlier than our plan (ha!)???? because i will not carry more.

it's almost 5 years past, it's easier! (hope for those in the beginning of this walk!) but just as the title of this blog suggests... it's there all the time, like my shadow.

Grateful list 131 - 138.

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138.