torn

this blog is hard to do

trying to give a peek into life as a pph-hyster survivor foster parent... and respect privacy of children and parents

at this moment i am torn in half...

at the beginning we were told parent Y was all the hope the kids had... that parent X had messed up and wouldn't come through...

then a few months in parent Y started slipping... for all of 48 hours my heart pitterpattered with fear and excitement.... the likelihood of adoption in my throat...

then parent X turned out to be a new person (praise GOD)... and adoption was put on the back shelf... glad, but sad

now... parent Y has truly messed up, talks of TPR (termination of parental rights)...

that means if parent X hadn't stepped up... we would be talking and preparing for adoption

i don't know how to feel...

part of me is ridiculously sad... part of me is relieved... part of me feels guilty for being relieved... then the guilt of feeling guilty...

still praying daily for the success of parent X... please join with me!

since

so sad... daddy is still... unavailable...

2 weeks since my babies have seen their big brother and daddy...

almost 10 months since they've seen mommy...

but 10 months from now... how long will it have been since I have seen them...

i write mommy a letter every week now through our CW. it's great - she is writing me as well (again through caseworker)... it helps me remember she is REAL... and to get her letters, not dismiss her existence or value... she does love her kids... it's so hard for those of us who have been blessed to understand how "something like this"could happen... but i do get it... sort of...

the good thing about the letters is it reminds me every week... there will be an end to this... to the good, the bad, and the ugly (toddler tantrums)...

enjoying my baby bear love and hugs and snuggles, my momma bear cuddles

praying for peace in this crazy process...

is she just saying what we want to hear??? who cares!!!!

i mentioned to my mom that the bears' mother seems real nice...

i've spoken to her on the phone, gotten letters, etc

her response is - she i just saying what she thinks everyone wants to hear...

so???

she at least recognizes what she's SUPPOSED to say!

and one of the things she has written me... suggests we meet up even AFTER reunification... that she realizes we are important to her children and that we matter...

when i read that --- i just burst out in tears... in the middle of class!

HOPE! even if it doesn't happen - i can survive another six months now, because we have hope

she's getting older... aka proving me wrong

figured momma bear wouldn't realize she didn't have visitation due to "stuff" this week.

was glad we had fair warning b/c my thought had been if we act like there wasn't SUPPOSED to be a visit, she would have no clue

2 nights after - wailing for daddy... and i know she meant him


not normal kiddie whine - mourning cry

had to tell my son tonight --- the choices you make HAVE AN EFFECT ON OTHERS!

i asked him if he could hear her crying - when he said yes... and looked at me confused - i told him - she misses her daddy and he made some bad choices...

praying he sees how every action affects others - i pray he will be a good daddy/husband

unpostable

you know you are in the fosterhood when you see the word corrections and don't think of things to fix... but jail!

things that now pop up in autocomplete...

xxxx clerk of court

xxxx inmate search

xxxx court

and now... for the fourth time... googling directions to xxxx court house.

(((((sigh))))) my life is so weird 

a buck fifty

so...

i will preface this post that i know that i happen to be extra cranky... about something un-postable at the moment... in truth i am MAD... at God, at the world, i want to scream kick and cuss....

so...

enter well meaning woman at the the local thrift store

we are licensed through a group that does a bunch of stuff for kids in the system. one of the ways they fund their philanthropy is through a thrift shop. something cool the thrift shop does - is as a foster parent i can request a voucher (which is sent to the store) and i can go pick out stuff for my kiddies.

i haven't done it because we are blessed with hand me downs, and i happen to know the selection is thin pickings at the store... but i was headed in anyway (with a big @$$donation of adult clothing) so i figured out what the heck?!?! momma bear has recently hit a growth spurt.. i bought a bunch of stuff at a big consignment shindig - but a few more t-shirts would round out the collection nicely.

our licensing counselor kept telling me i should take advantage of it...

well... i'd waited so long - no voucher on record... i have lost my check card and had no cash... i told the lady this up front... i would have been totally cool is she told me to come back later... but she "helped"me shop.

check out the 25 cent clothes first please... ummm... ok... she kept showing me size 5 stuff (momma bear JUST moved up to size 3... i know it doesn't look like a big difference - but y'all w/ lil' ones know there is)... and at one point kept showing me long sleeve shirts saying "you could just cut the sleeves"...

ummm... no thanks... i want to avoid the screaming label "I AM IN FOSTER CARE AND DON'T RANK NICER CLOTHES RAGAMUFFIN LOOK"

when we went inside she showed me where the other clothes were but was quick to tell me not to pick the purple tagged clothes - those are the newer things (ummm... k)

in all i got 6 items --- all tagged at 25 cents... so for the hassle of feeling like

1. a charity case
2. my kid doesn't rank the nicer stuff

a got a buck fifty worth of clothes... 2 things i wouldn't have picked but the lady kept pressing me

maybe if she hadn't been dressed to the 9's w/ fabulous make up it wouldn't have bugged me... but a little voice in my head made me want to scream - would you "cut the sleeves"for your grandbabies?!?!? i doubt it!

don't think i'll do it again... reminded me of this post by my foster-hero fosterhood

****again i'm in a high pissy mood right now***

drug of a country

i've seen the bumper sticker and giggled

tv - the drug of choice

but wow

i gave up netflix (mostly) for lent...

i... am... an addict

it has been odd these past few weeks.

coming home and not crashing on the couch in exhaustion and watching an episode or two or six of NUMB3RS.

i knew that i couldn't go cold turkey - like a meth addict i would curl up and die (no not really) but i knew i would absolutely fail

so... i allowed myself 3 hours a week. for someone who used to watch more than 3 hours a day - drastic. i gave myself the 3 hours b/c my hubby and i have some shows we watch together that come on weekly - and it's nice to have that...

of course - they have been doing RERUNS during lent!

also - i didn't count in "family movie nights"...

but i digress... the amount i of time i realize i have now is embarrassing --- also --- i'm not as tired...

hoping i can continue the less tv after lent... having the whole "if christ could sacrifice all for you, you can sacrifice tv for him" card has def. helped :)

oh... and i've found more time for blogging ;)

too small

having a foster-first

packing up all the too small clothes i've bought for momma bear...

looking at the outfit she first came to us in...

pink fuzz pants and an oshkosh shirt...

she's outgrown clothes in her time here...

she started in 18mo-2t

just bought her a bunch of 3ts

will she outgrow those with us too????

what was the word???

i originally began this blog in order to tell the story of my pph/hysterectomy... and realize it's been awhile...

as the title of the blog suggests... it's there all the time... the grief of the option of biochildren being taken...

it's a dull ache, but there...

things that are also hard to deal with are the side effects...

i never know if it's from the hysterectomy or if it's from age or just who i am...

my memory SUCKS

i miss words..... my friends and family are regularly ready to fill in the blanks of the words i can't recall

most of the joints in my body have a dull ache

i am EXHAUSTED

they are all side effects listed on those fun websites like hystersister

but they are also side effects of being a mom of 3 children (ages 5, 2, and 9 mos).

i know i have a few fellow hysterectomy survivors... pph-ers out there...

anyone else noticed odd side effects?

grouchy...

feeling hypocritical...

want to see biodad and yell at him

praying for grace

praying for ability to forgive...

some may think he "deserves" my b#$*chy thoughts... even if he does - what do i deserve????

as a believer i know what i deserve and what i've been given...

not through my power, but through HIS love and forgiveness

i said mean and nasty things about biodad tonight to my hubby... i want to lash out... but i speak of forgiveness, of modeling christ's love to those who need it...

but in my heart... i'm pissed and i think he's worthless... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

fighting it... praying for him more earnestly

things i can't facebook....

sometimes i have random thoughts --- "status updates" that can't be posted... too many "friends" on facebook - my parents, others who would say things that wouldn't be quite right... like - maybe you'll get to keep them!



right now... my unpostable status...


it's been one of those days... where i wish... they wouldn't have to leave... i wish they were born of me... i wish i had known her in the lil' squishy baby days...

sigh

but... they will most likely go HOME... and i will have to be ok with it... it will be the right thing... and i'll be lucky to be a memory in their young minds

never thought i'd have this bookmarked

http://www.dc.state.fl.us/oth/inmates/writing.html#1

FAQ: Writing to an inmate...

today's final straw

bathing momma bear after being told i can't take her to daycare tomorrow due to diarrhea (which means she has to come with me on my teacher workday... i was planning on getting so much done)...

she screamed and cried - who knows why... it's been this way for a while and up a level since fake-out visit...

she cried I WANT DADDY!!!!!!

i didn't stop to consider she could have meant my husband - my brain snapped...

wtf... you want HIM... the one who has let you down - the one who has caused all this sh$*&...

i finished her bath quickly, briskly, and then passed her off to the husband... realized after a few deep breaths she was calling for him

but in those moments i felt so betrayed,

i felt the unfairness of it all

this sucks.... it really sucks

one of those days

yesterday was hard

daddy last minute canceled

kids almost there

in car

together

turn around for an hour drive back

to be split up again....


today...

her temper tantrums...

me wondering....

me questioning...

both of us pissed....

will it be different when there are visits with mommy...

or more of the same

thinking

we have a 3rd baby in the house for the weekend...

not too much added really - sweet lil' girl who leaves in the morning...

a respite gig...

but you would think when hubby left the house w/ momma bear so i could rest i would conk out and sleep

nope - reunification on the brain.

thinking this long until xxx happens which means this long until xxxx which means maybe they will go home ... when???

started talking w/ hubby about how we will pack them up - think we are going to give them our luggage. we got it for our wedding... good, but i'm ready for a new set and we will more than fill it all packing them up when it comes time...

silly - b/c it's far away - but when it's quiet - that's where my head goes.... to them leaving