do i dare pray

i know GOD can do anything

i know ANYTHING is possible

i know though... HE sometimes has a plan that makes no sense to me

as i stood over my tiny nephew in the NICU and looked at his sweet small frame with wires and tubes coming from every which way... the prayer stuck in my heart...

then i felt it come

like a DEMAND

YOU CAN FIX THIS!!!!! 


YOU SHOULD FIX THIS!!!! 


THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS AFTER ALL THEY'VE ALREADY BATTLED!!!!


as i drove home across the state, i felt myself searching and seeking more... if i could i would sit at his feet, wash them with my tears and the tears of my s-i-l. dry them off with my hair....

my heart is at his feet - my soul lies prostrate

this lil' boy is already a miracle and has overcome other diagnoses - reversed diagnoses... i NEVER dared to pray for healing when it seemed impossible....

now that there's a chance, i'm afraid too...

meeting mommy

i "met" mommy today

over the phone (@ county office during a planning meeting)

sounds like... someone who i could have been friends with

she doesn't sound like an addict

we spoke

i told her i love HER kids... i reaffirmed several times that "they are YOUR kids" she asked if i would write her updates, and i said of course... they are YOUR kids, we love them...

she thanked me...

i told her "baby bear" was getting chubby and had the best belly laugh in the world.

that momma bear was well and that they are visiting brother this weekend

she cried...

i cried...

she asked that we tell her kids she loves them and thinks of them... i promised and told her we pray for her every day...

my heart broke for her ---- i have a love for her i cannot explain.... she is my babies momma... you could hear the love she has for them... so i love her (weird?)


please join me --- pray for her --- pray for strength --- pray for wisdom.... she has some tough things to do to make this work

in the wind

it's been a week since daddy showed and left after 15 minutes

thought he'd want to make up for lost time

no call

no show

they can't find him

he's in the wind

praying he's alright - that nothing has happened to him... praying he hasn't done something insanely stupid...

the truth is... foster parenting with your whole heart involves letting in people you would never associate with usually.

i haven't met daddy but he is my babies daddy... he lets them down... he lets me down

7 months they've been with us... and he's blowing it...

praying praying praying he's alright - even though i would love to kick his.....

<<>>

an analogy

pretend for a moment that i am a kosher jew

my religion prohibits me from eating bacon

if you were to see me eating bacon - it would cause you to pause and wonder

now (in this hypothetical case)... as a kosher jew, i do not hate those who chose to eat bacon, i do not promote legislation to stop the production of bacon, or block it on the menu.

i am not "anti-bacon"

it's just, the faith i have chosen to follow says... don't eat bacon

if someone were to ask me my opinion - or to claim that as a kosher jew i have been interpreting the scriptures incorrectly and that i can eat bacon - am i intolerant to point out the scriptures that say pork is not to be consumed????

would i be slammed in the media as intolerant??? as hateful??? as ignorant???

i ask this because i am a christian... working hard at my faith - reformed (i think) christian

i am also personally conservative but socially liberal

i do not actively fight against homosexuality - i don't find it repulsive - i don't think they are pedophiles

i forbid my students from using gay slurs... i was asked once to sponsor the gay-straight alliance... i have a reputation for defending my students who are targets for teasing on this matter...

but i do read my bible, and it is there - in the NEW testament (don't throw the leviticus argument at me) and it says no

i am not perfect

i think it is hypocritical of a church to stand by a philanderer and slam committed gay relationships....

but why can't i be left alone - like the kosher jew without his bacon???????

why must i be thrust into a pinhole that says i am intolerant and hateful????

why must i sit there and not point to where i believe the truth is????

short visit again: father vs daddy

read this article today: http://blog.faithpromise.org/2012/01/fathers-be-good-to-your-daughters/

aptly titled after a favorite song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pmNbC89yhWY

and today... her father let her down... again... in so many ways.

he showed for visit. and left 10 minutes later.

maybe there was an emergency

maybe he was able to work on his case plan and that was the only time he could do it.

maybe.

but fathers... be good to your daughters... daughters will love like you do...

she is with her daddy now... my husband...

he is spinning her on the swing... giving her the attention her father didn't...

know it can't make up for it... but maybe it will lessen the impact of being left behind and disappointed

maybe

momma bear is brave

faster mommy faster

high high high

hoping her bravery continues

hoping her desire for the edge does not

half way home

if things go the way people seem to think it will go (as of now)

our kids are half way home

as in home to their biomom

good

great

crap

i have been thinking i "have this feeling" they are going home... know it was self preservation

hubby called to fill me in on all the crazy court details (all daddy side) and then said... mom sounds good (she was there via teleconference).

all involved are encouraged by her recent progress and they will proceed with the plan being reunification with mom

so different then we were told in the beginning.

i worked for a few more hours to finish out the day, figured i was ok... then as i walked across campus to leave it started... small dry heaves... my babies may actually leave...

praying this was the wake up she needed

praying she doesn't stop trying, stop succeeding.

my prayer has been that she would try, keep trying and be successful.

i pray it continues.and she doesn't let us down... that we don't go through this separation for them to end up back in the system.

i found a picture of her online - a not so hot portrait - but not scary.

showed it to momma bear... look! who's that?

she smiled pointed at the picture, then pointed at me

i think she thinks we are the same person... more small little heaves...

my heart is breaking for her - she will be so confused...

and baby bear... i can't do it yet - can't think about him and what he will go through -

the crappiest part of this gig is the uncertainty.

i want this if it is the best for them.... but i don't want to let them go.... and we still have 7 or so months... praying for strength as we continue to love, bond, and attach... and then watch them leave...