co-parenting opportunities

bioparents SHOULD be kept involved...

we had the opportunity to have them attend an eye doctor appointment with our girl.

it was an opportunity to interact outside the boundaries of institutions and court.

it was a chance to see how they parent.

it was a chance for them to see how i parent.

we asked questions of the doctor. all three of us.

we have 3 more appointments next week and 3 more opportunities.

these moments are good for my heart... they are capable... they love her... it's a peek at what will be...

lice

one little word

can crawl into your ear

and make you itch

just got the call

biomom found one on brother bear

lice check on porch as soon as they get home

tea tree oil wash

praying to avoid full on lice treatment on the babies...

packing long sleeves

caught by surprise today... cleared out momma bear's dresser of clothes too small and winter-type clothing.

as i put the long sleeved t-shirts and the few sweaters we have into the big suitcase we are going to send with the children... nausea hit.

the thought that i am packing up clothes that i will not dress her in... clothes that i won't see her wear...

and then the lingering thought of... will it really happen. until they are gone... i don't know if i will really believe it.

starting goodbyes

there is something odd about saying goodbye and not knowing for sure...

yes... the plan is reunification... i say it with confidence to others that the babies will leave soon... but in the back of my mind there is that little sliver of doubt as i assume there always is with foster care... what if the parents screw up again???? i pray they don't but... who knows what will really happen...

this past weekend we went to my inlaws for the kids to say goodbye...

i have been realistic (i thought)... i requested we meet at a park rather than a house as i feel the panic rise in my throat at times... i just need space and air to breathe...

as we were getting ready to leave i couldn't speak... the sight of my mother in law busying herself at the picnic table cleaning... to avoid the reality of saying goodbye... watching my babies giving the people they have called grandma and poppa for the past year the last hug... watching my nieces and nephews... so young they don't quite get it wave cheerfully good bye. it was surreal... as if i was the only one who knew...

we continue the process this week as the babies say goodbye to my mother's family...

i have been so blessed... to have a family so supportive... but it makes it so hard now as they prepare to leave... it is our journey, but our family also suffers now our loss...

why bother with them???

while it's never quite said that way, when i talk with some people about writing letters to the bio-fam, or setting up routines with the kids that i hope the bio-fam will continue, or the slim potential for staying connected after reunification... there is an underlying implication in some people's responses as to "WHY BOTHER"????

when i mention that the children will most likely be leaving soon... some people react as if it is a travesty of justice... why should they get them back???

sweet people have said things like they must be so grateful and thinking that the biofam must fall over themselves in gratitude... most of the time biofams DON'T... we are lucky in that biomom in particular voices and has written how blessed she feels to have us...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yesterday as my mind wandered in processed in church (re. this post), i was actually listening to the pastor...

the sermon was on Paul and how the man who was the greatest missionary called himself the worst of sinners...

my mind went somewhere else then the pastor intended... but i began to think of how hypocritical we are as christians (often the people i speak to who think the parents shouldn't be given such chances... are christian - or at least wear the label)... i see a lot of bio-fam bashing in some online support groups...

paul... was saul...


saul was the chief persecutor... GOD met him... GOD changed him... and he became one of the framers of the faith

why do people want to cut off child abusers/neglecters so quickly... yes it's a heinous crime.. (i am NOT going to discuss molestation in this post!)

but seriously - many times the abuse/neglect is not born out of an evil desire to hurt children... but out of ignorance, addiction, lack of education, lack of intelligence, poor support structures, etc.

how many of us have been at the end of the rope with our own children... and looked at our spouse and said i need to be alone... now... or have had that babysitter, grandparent, neighbor we could pull ourselves together and ask to watch the kids for an hour while we run errands? or even been able to pull up a blog or website during nap/bedtime and read that we aren't alone, that other people feel stressed.... read about ideas or techniques on how to handle it the next time around?

why are we so quick to dismiss that the bio-parent can change???

maybe losing their children this time (i know many are repeat offenders) has been the time GOD has met them... GOD has ripped them from their path of bad decisions and shown them where to be... maybe i am a tool of GOD --- maybe you are a tool of GOD...

someone to walk on that path with them and encourage them in small ways... to model choices in parenting...

small things like writing letters, sending pictures, sitting with them prior to court and talking about the kids, SMILING at them, shaking their hands, saying it's a pleasure to meet/see you... treating them with respect and honor...

maybe it won't work... it's hard... it's exhausting... but it's what is best for the kids... and it's what HE would have us do...

lost on the trail...

while on our awesome bear-free vacation... we went on a "15 minute" hike that ended up being 3 hours long.


today, during church... my mind wandered and processed as it always does... and it hit me how our foster care experience has been so much like that hike.

the descent was fast and steep... and once we were down we had to continue... because the way back was too rough. after bubba went home we dived in to caring for two under two years. that was a quick trip to crazy busy, crazy ridiculous. 

While we are supposed to stay on a marked trail, the marks are sometimes hard to find... we occasionally ran across others who could give advice and words of encouragement... but they were few and far between. 

There was the very real possibility of being hurt. (See the copperhead?!?!?!)

 The big picture we know is what matters, the view. We are doing something worthwhile... something important... something bigger than ourselves.

But even in the moments of feeling panicky and worried... there are moments of absolute beauty... no matter how twisted.  

Small moments that continue through the worry of where are we on this path? What is around the next bend?

At one point a part of the crew went ahead... wondering what the other half was doing... how they were progressing... 

How much longer will this be? How will this end?

At one point on the path a friend pointed out we hadn't STOPPED and prayed... we just kept plugging along... but in my head... i had been crying out to God... please keep us safe please don't let us be lost... so often we get comments of... wow... you are so strong, I COULD NEVER DO THAT... what they don't see is the heartbreak... the crying out to GOD... please care for these babies, please keep them safe... handing them over in trust to HIM...

But even in those moments of crying out in fear.... stopping to look at the beauty along the way... experiencing the joy in the moment...

In the end... our path will be outlined like a clear map... we will be able to measure the days, weeks, months, just over a year of having these babies with us... but like the hike... we won't see the map until the end.


It's so odd to think that the end is so close... yet just like that day on the hike... how close, we don't know... and just like that day... CONSTANT PRAYER, TRUST, FAITH, AND DEEP BREATHING is the way to survive...

getting harder

dropping off momma bear to school i almost lost it, she was clingy and clutching my leg... didn't want me to leave her... harder knowing that it's t minus 27 days.... trying NOT to count days... but want to appreciate what we have while they are here...

still putting them in daycare so we can be sane... thinking of pulling them a few days here and there to get some time with them one on one...

ugh....

missing her and she is still here... so weird....

Playing with colored ice cubes in the splash pool <3