Wednesday, March 14, 2012

what was the word???

i originally began this blog in order to tell the story of my pph/hysterectomy... and realize it's been awhile...

as the title of the blog suggests... it's there all the time... the grief of the option of biochildren being taken...

it's a dull ache, but there...

things that are also hard to deal with are the side effects...

i never know if it's from the hysterectomy or if it's from age or just who i am...

my memory SUCKS

i miss words..... my friends and family are regularly ready to fill in the blanks of the words i can't recall

most of the joints in my body have a dull ache

i am EXHAUSTED

they are all side effects listed on those fun websites like hystersister

but they are also side effects of being a mom of 3 children (ages 5, 2, and 9 mos).

i know i have a few fellow hysterectomy survivors... pph-ers out there...

anyone else noticed odd side effects?

Monday, March 12, 2012

grouchy...

feeling hypocritical...

want to see biodad and yell at him

praying for grace

praying for ability to forgive...

some may think he "deserves" my b#$*chy thoughts... even if he does - what do i deserve????

as a believer i know what i deserve and what i've been given...

not through my power, but through HIS love and forgiveness

i said mean and nasty things about biodad tonight to my hubby... i want to lash out... but i speak of forgiveness, of modeling christ's love to those who need it...

but in my heart... i'm pissed and i think he's worthless... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

fighting it... praying for him more earnestly

Saturday, March 10, 2012

things i can't facebook....

sometimes i have random thoughts --- "status updates" that can't be posted... too many "friends" on facebook - my parents, others who would say things that wouldn't be quite right... like - maybe you'll get to keep them!



right now... my unpostable status...


it's been one of those days... where i wish... they wouldn't have to leave... i wish they were born of me... i wish i had known her in the lil' squishy baby days...

sigh


but... they will most likely go HOME... and i will have to be ok with it... it will be the right thing... and i'll be lucky to be a memory in their young minds

never thought i'd have this bookmarked

Thursday, March 8, 2012

today's final straw

bathing momma bear after being told i can't take her to daycare tomorrow due to diarrhea (which means she has to come with me on my teacher workday... i was planning on getting so much done)...

she screamed and cried - who knows why... it's been this way for a while and up a level since fake-out visit...

she cried I WANT DADDY!!!!!!

i didn't stop to consider she could have meant my husband - my brain snapped...

wtf... you want HIM... the one who has let you down - the one who has caused all this sh$*&...

i finished her bath quickly, briskly, and then passed her off to the husband... realized after a few deep breaths she was calling for him

but in those moments i felt so betrayed,

i felt the unfairness of it all

this sucks.... it really sucks

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

one of those days

yesterday was hard

daddy last minute canceled

kids almost there

in car

together

turn around for an hour drive back

to be split up again....


today...

her temper tantrums...

me wondering....

me questioning...

both of us pissed....

will it be different when there are visits with mommy...

or more of the same


Saturday, March 3, 2012

thinking

we have a 3rd baby in the house for the weekend...

not too much added really - sweet lil' girl who leaves in the morning...

a respite gig...

but you would think when hubby left the house w/ momma bear so i could rest i would conk out and sleep

nope - reunification on the brain.

thinking this long until xxx happens which means this long until xxxx which means maybe they will go home ... when???

started talking w/ hubby about how we will pack them up - think we are going to give them our luggage. we got it for our wedding... good, but i'm ready for a new set and we will more than fill it all packing them up when it comes time...

silly - b/c it's far away - but when it's quiet - that's where my head goes.... to them leaving