grateful 4-23

to continue...

tonight's theme...
 
events of the day

4. a friend with a minivan who likes carpooling
- today we went on a field trip with our kiddies - only one in the group has a minivan - and we all fit in - (room for one more in fact, thinking it may not be big enough next summer!) a great way for our kids to learn to get along as they are in cramped quarters and we can't physically intervene

5. playgrounds and 6. cloud coverage
- not only did we go to a super cool playground today, but we also had cloud cover... not only did the boys had a blast on possibly the coolest free playground I have ever seen - but the mommas didn't melt as they played AND the boys could have played longer if the lightening alarms hadn't gone off... ooo...

7. lightening alarms
- love them - lets us know when to be safe - so many people dismiss lightening as such as a nuisance, but it is dangerous!

8. a science museum close by
- not only was it cool that it was close, but that the boys enjoyed it so much

9. GUAVA JELLY
- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.... not until I was older did I realize that not everyone eats guava jelly growing up. to me it is one of the best comfort foods - a toasted English muffin, butter, and guava jelly and I am in culinary heaven

10. old fashioned carousels
- do i even need to explain the whimsy and joy they kindle in my heart?

11. that our boys will still hold hands with one another
-they will eventually think it icky to hold hands with one another saying "it's gay" - one of my least fav phrases - but for now they are so sweet and innocent. they hold hands w/ one another - actually fighting over who they want to hold hands with so sweet :)

12. firefighter friends
- while i know you can get a tour from most firehouses even without knowing the people - so much cooler when you do know the person

13. modern paramedic science
- i hope to never ride in an ambulance, but it's nice to know they exist and that they are so capable

14. the funny ax thing (hannigan/halligan???)
- never thought about how firefighters get in to get us out - glad to see how easy it would be!

15. an extra camera battery
- even though i would have gladly stolen L's camera the entire afternoon - glad i had a back up! when we bought the camera w/ the funky battery  one of my "conditions" was that i had to have a back up battery

16. fire hoses
- again, something i hope i will never need but glad to know it exists

17. Air Conditioning
- again - something I don't need to explain - esp since i live in FLORIDA

18. iced chai
- introduced by my illustrious bff --- and soooo great on the aforementioned hot day in florida

19. the sway of the back seat
- a gentle rocking that def knocks out child (and tired momma)

20. LEGOs
- was hoping to hold off using this one - but since i'm doing the day's events - LEGOs that keep my (almost) 4 year old entertained while i get some quite time after a long day... AND he played creatively - not following instructions - he built the playground we had been to (complete w/ lightening alarm!) 

21. braised short rib pasta cooked by chef hubby
- mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm one of my newest favs 

22. free gift cards
- i had two gift cards i had gotten in diff ways - used both to buy fathers' day gifts

23. wines with funny names that make you laugh
- Chef Hubby had to buy red wine for the pasta - so i figured i would have a glass while i typed - the name of the wine - Mad Housewife - hope it isn't a symbolic selection!


***TOMORROW"S THEME --- fathers!**** 

Grateful

Some of my blogging buddies have picked up on a challenge and I am going to tag along...


1000 things I'm grateful for... tonight's theme items on my desk (messy and cluttered as it is)

1. flowers from farmers market in waterford crystal...
- when S & I were married, we had to GO BACK to register for more "nice stuff" for my parents' friends and grandparents' friends to buy us... therefore I have beautiful crystal w/ little money to buy flowers. BUT the beauty of these simple (and long lasting) flowers in the clean lines of crystal next to my monitor reminds me of the family I have to catch us if we need it -  and  that we can support ourselves if we keep it simple and pure

 2. the design of a margarita glass...
- this one sounds odd --- but have you ever looked at the engineering of a margarita glass - it is made so that every sip will have a little piece of the crushed ice

3. old friends 
- i have a stack of photos that I scanned for my oldest friend's 30th bday party (From 2 years ago - wow time to clean off this desk) the photos are from high school and college. While she isn't the strongest Christian, she definitely kept my feet on the straight and narrow in high school. When the fear of God was far from my heart, I would be worried about letting her down. The ONE party I went to in high school (ironically - margaritas were there) - I bent to some peer pressure and tried something I wish I hadn't. She found out and all but kicked my butt. In no uncertain terms she told me if I EVER pulled that again we were done as friends. Never touched the stuff again (hadn't found much attraction in it any way). I miss her like anything, she isn't able to come down alot, her younger sister lives with her so if I could go up - no place to stay... but I know this is one season in our lives and we will reconnect again.


more later...

Sometimes I feel like I'm being teased...

I truly believe in the providence of God. I believe He has things happen for a reason and that He has a certain time line.

Today I feel teased by the what ifs...

This year B will turn 4. If things had worked out the way we had planned before he was born, I would be pregnant now. I would be either due late this summer or early fall.

Today I am ovulating --- how can I tell - b/c it hurts like a son of a gun. (Yes the Dr's left the ovaries after the hysterectomy so as not to throw me into menapause before 30). It's such a tease to know I am "fertile" but just can't carry a child.

If our original foster care plan had panned out, we would be waiting for a placement. We decided after much prayer (and tears) that we are not financially in the right place. Next year (come hell or high water) we will do placement.

So today, as I am home sick with my cute and cuddly almost four year old, I get an email from my mom (who only means the best) about a friend of hers. Her friend has just adopted an infant from foster care, and apparently she posted on facebook that the social workers are frantically looking for placement for FIVE infants - including a set of twins (one of my dreams).

I feel like I'm being teased. Having both of these happen on the same day is just mean!!!! I must have faith in Him and His timing. And in the meantime... I will re-read the Discipline of Grace chapter on adversity.

God has picked my children, he knows their name, when they will be concieved and born. I have to trust...

my child

sweet crazy boy...

so smart it's scary...

what to say when you ask about your birth...

you already have, but you don't quite get it yet...

i tell you how happy i am to have had you... that you are my gift...

momma pushed and pushed, and the doctor said they had to hurry and get you out and they cut my tummy open to get you out...

that later, there was another surgery and my tummy was broken... that no more babies will grow in momma's belly...

how old will you be when you realize what that means?

human nature will cause you to wonder, i tell you now - i love you, it's not "your fault" never have i blamed you for what has happened. i blame no one... it's how it happened. i fear that you will one day wonder, and i know that i won't be able to calm those questions in your mind...

but know this always - I LOVE YOU

As clear as mud

Lately  I feel like my brain is moving in slow motion. I try to have conversations but I feel like I'm five minutes behind all the time. Sometimes it is hard to hear, but a lot of the time I feel like it is taking me longer to connect what is being said with my thoughts as well.

I don't know if this is stress (i am a high school teacher in a public school in florida - and besides the expected stress of being a teacher ---- there are tons of legislative issues).

OR if this is fall out of mental fall out of B's birth.

This time of year is hard for me, 4 years ago I was finishing up work and getting ready for giving birth. I still can't believe it's been four years...

I tend to get tired and a bit bummed... but I fight for joy. It's a long process... but I refuse to allow my summer to be robbed of its joy this year.

Mothers' Day

Mothers' Day... like many holidays are rough for those who grieve.

I think of my dream babies that will never be. I think of my future babies that are not with me yet. I wonder... will they spend their first Momma's Day with me?

I do not understand mothers who have not fulfilled their sacred duty. Being a momma is a gift and privilege. God has granted us a life to mold and shape. To neglect, abandon or abuse that responsibility is reprehensible to me.

Next year... next year at this time we will either be newly licensed or just about to be (if all goes according to plan).

I know that Mothers Day is not only rough for those of us who mourn with loss, infertility, etc. but also for those gorgeous children who are in emergency shelters or foster care.

Today in church we heard what a gift our mothers are to us. What to say to a child whose mother has abused or abandoned them. How do they see that reflection of Christ that we are to be?????

Praying for my future babies tonight...

Surviving through Blessing

After reading a friend's blog about her struggle w/ coming to God w/ the grief of a miscarriage... I thought of a song that spoke to me following B's birth and the following loss. It's a song that I think is good for any loss.


Blessed Be Your Name.

The end gets me...

You Give and Take Away...

I don't know of any other phrase that so fully captures my experience. I still can't quite sing those words w/o choking up.

I received such a blessing through B but lost so much... I almost lost the privilege of being around to be his mother.

My Heart will Choose to Say... Blessed Be your Name.

It's not an easy choice. It's one that I have to fight to do. The dichotomy of wanting to sit at his feet like a child and be comforted, while (like a child) throw a temper tantrum and scream at the top of my lungs, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!

Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering...

How could this loss be an offering?

This is my constant plea, prayer and question.

If through this immediate loss, I am a better mother, a better Christian, a mother to children who would not have had a mother and father...

... does that make it worth it?...

To me that question sucks.

The children of my dreams will never be. For me to say sacrificing them is too close to saying I could have sacrificed having B.

Does it get easier?

Sometimes... there are days and weeks that it is easier, I see the good, I can rejoice in the good. There are moments that it is just as hard as those first few months of complete sorrow and grief. Those moments are shorter. I know they will never fully go away. I just remind myself... life sucks. There is a promise of something better, even though it is hard to hold onto in those darkest moments.