After reading a friend's blog about her struggle w/ coming to God w/ the grief of a miscarriage... I thought of a song that spoke to me following B's birth and the following loss. It's a song that I think is good for any loss.
Blessed Be Your Name.
The end gets me...
You Give and Take Away...
I don't know of any other phrase that so fully captures my experience. I still can't quite sing those words w/o choking up.
I received such a blessing through B but lost so much... I almost lost the privilege of being around to be his mother.
My Heart will Choose to Say... Blessed Be your Name.
It's not an easy choice. It's one that I have to fight to do. The dichotomy of wanting to sit at his feet like a child and be comforted, while (like a child) throw a temper tantrum and scream at the top of my lungs, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!
Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering...
How could this loss be an offering?
This is my constant plea, prayer and question.
If through this immediate loss, I am a better mother, a better Christian, a mother to children who would not have had a mother and father...
... does that make it worth it?...
To me that question sucks.
The children of my dreams will never be. For me to say sacrificing them is too close to saying I could have sacrificed having B.
Does it get easier?
Sometimes... there are days and weeks that it is easier, I see the good, I can rejoice in the good. There are moments that it is just as hard as those first few months of complete sorrow and grief. Those moments are shorter. I know they will never fully go away. I just remind myself... life sucks. There is a promise of something better, even though it is hard to hold onto in those darkest moments.