masochist

so... as one to inflict pain on myself... i keep finding myself looking on zulily.com and pinterest for cute girlie stuff... birthday, halloween, christmas... when she should be gone...

trying sooooooooo hard not to plan her bday party in my head! (those who know me well know i start planning bee's birthday party the day after the last!)

person of interest

that is me...

in the case of the bears i am considered a person of interest...

as in... i have the RIGHT TO KNOW wtf ('scuse my french) is going on...

i say this b/c i had to remind someone of this recently... she is still holding back some info stating i'll learn in court...

NOT where i like to find stuff out... i have a very expressive face... and the bears are required to attend with us tomorrow... change in fl law about the presence of foster kids in court...

ugh...

sounds like issues in the bioparent world...

i hate to hear this at all... but my prayer is that if things implode... they implode sooner than later.... especially prior to the kids going home...

praying an implosion would force progress

court in the morning for this person of interest.... have no idea how i will sleep!

what to do???

ok... question that i can't post to my facebook friends...


i am in the throws of packing up the babies' toys, books, etc. in anticipation of reunification (court on Monday when the ruling and timeline will most likely happen).


have 10 boxes of toys and books packed already... none of their clothes packed yet... more toys to pack... sending mainly stuff given TO THEM by friends and family over the past 13 months... 


starting to think of keeping a few of their things (for example she was given 2 dolly strollers - we have none, next kid???).... would that be wrong????


i strongly feel they should get to take ALL THEIR STUFF... but at the same time, i'm envisioning this tiny trailer overflowing with toys... 

What would you do?

trying to draw near when feeling so far

today started out so great...

a fabulous massage to work out some serious knots i have in my shoulders after 1+ year of this crazy journey... and i know this sounds weird - but i felt so close to God during the massage... i found myself truly thanking him for the ability to have the experience, for the random groupon deal, for the masseuse's talent, etc...

a good rest...

a new back up babysitter coming by the house to get help filling out the crazy paperwork (it didn't scare her away!)

and then - it all went to hell in a handbasket...

i started feeling icky (sore throat going around house... hoping to shake it soon) so i laid down to rest...

my 6 year old bee kept coming to ask me questions... at one point i told him to go find his friends and play outside (poor choice on my part... i should have been up watching them outside).

i decided to go outside to check on him ... and he was in his underwear... (he had been doing messy art earlier)

he is SIX.

he has been told constantly that he needs shorts on around the other kids...

i lost it...

he has consequences out the ears... but that spurred from him losing it...

he will freak and outright lie --- i wasn't even outside... etc. at one point he asked when daddy would be home (he was sent to his room until daddy got home) i said 15 minutes.. he repeated 15 minutes... and then started screaming he didn't want to wait 15 HOURS...

that is something he does often... he will take a time we have stated and change it (after repeating the correct time).

we fight our way through dinner...

sitting to do our devotional - and it's on if we ask GOD to draw near HE will, etc etc...

in the midst of kids crying, of a child being disrespectful during Bible reading...

so hard...

it was painful to read about HIM drawing NEAR when i felt so in the flesh and not near...

praying for peace and comfort...

play pretend

the packing continues...

it amazes me how much stuff the kids have gathered in 13 months...

needing to beg for boxes...

today alone a big box of dress up clothes and accessories for momma bear...

hoping they have the space!

one week... or is it????

the thing about foster care...

is not knowing.

one week from tomorrow, we will be in court.

most LIKELY, they won't go home that day.

most LIKELY, we will be given a timeline for their reunification.

most LIKELY, that is to occur before Aug 20

uncertainty.

getting them dressed for church today... i find myself being pickier about their clothes... want people to remember how cute they are, how well we care for them...

silly...

but the only thing i can control at this moment...

thankful for the time we have had...

thankful for their reunification...

thankful for the healing in their parents lives...

ready for this crazy roller-coaster of emotions to be over... but know it never will really be over...

in some ways, i'm ready for them to go home...

if you've ever had a one year old and a 2.5 year old in the same house... you know the cravings for quiet and rest

 but i will never be ready to say good-bye

books books books

continuing the process of packing up.

a box here and there...

thought i would do the books because it would just be a few...

ha! two jumbo diaper boxes later... with a couple of their favorites still out.

anytime anyone asks us what the kids would need i say good positive message books. hoping parents will read to them and i know the books speak to me on a level that other books cannot reach.

i was thinking it was a few books, a few toys.

no i realize how MUCH a few is!

how are we going to get all of this to them?

switching monikers

as we work during this transition time my husband and i have switched names...

we tried Auntie and Uncle when the bears first came to live with us... it didn't work...

now that visits are regular... now that mommy is back in the picture...

she is calling us auntie and uncle...

good, but i miss being her mommy... and uncle sounds so funny coming from her garbled two year old mouth...

what is hilarious is when we refer to ourselves... half the time i say momma...auntie

giggle thinking at how inbred we must sound to others...

co-parenting opportunities

bioparents SHOULD be kept involved...

we had the opportunity to have them attend an eye doctor appointment with our girl.

it was an opportunity to interact outside the boundaries of institutions and court.

it was a chance to see how they parent.

it was a chance for them to see how i parent.

we asked questions of the doctor. all three of us.

we have 3 more appointments next week and 3 more opportunities.

these moments are good for my heart... they are capable... they love her... it's a peek at what will be...

lice

one little word

can crawl into your ear

and make you itch

just got the call

biomom found one on brother bear

lice check on porch as soon as they get home

tea tree oil wash

praying to avoid full on lice treatment on the babies...

packing long sleeves

caught by surprise today... cleared out momma bear's dresser of clothes too small and winter-type clothing.

as i put the long sleeved t-shirts and the few sweaters we have into the big suitcase we are going to send with the children... nausea hit.

the thought that i am packing up clothes that i will not dress her in... clothes that i won't see her wear...

and then the lingering thought of... will it really happen. until they are gone... i don't know if i will really believe it.

starting goodbyes

there is something odd about saying goodbye and not knowing for sure...

yes... the plan is reunification... i say it with confidence to others that the babies will leave soon... but in the back of my mind there is that little sliver of doubt as i assume there always is with foster care... what if the parents screw up again???? i pray they don't but... who knows what will really happen...

this past weekend we went to my inlaws for the kids to say goodbye...

i have been realistic (i thought)... i requested we meet at a park rather than a house as i feel the panic rise in my throat at times... i just need space and air to breathe...

as we were getting ready to leave i couldn't speak... the sight of my mother in law busying herself at the picnic table cleaning... to avoid the reality of saying goodbye... watching my babies giving the people they have called grandma and poppa for the past year the last hug... watching my nieces and nephews... so young they don't quite get it wave cheerfully good bye. it was surreal... as if i was the only one who knew...

we continue the process this week as the babies say goodbye to my mother's family...

i have been so blessed... to have a family so supportive... but it makes it so hard now as they prepare to leave... it is our journey, but our family also suffers now our loss...

why bother with them???

while it's never quite said that way, when i talk with some people about writing letters to the bio-fam, or setting up routines with the kids that i hope the bio-fam will continue, or the slim potential for staying connected after reunification... there is an underlying implication in some people's responses as to "WHY BOTHER"????

when i mention that the children will most likely be leaving soon... some people react as if it is a travesty of justice... why should they get them back???

sweet people have said things like they must be so grateful and thinking that the biofam must fall over themselves in gratitude... most of the time biofams DON'T... we are lucky in that biomom in particular voices and has written how blessed she feels to have us...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yesterday as my mind wandered in processed in church (re. this post), i was actually listening to the pastor...

the sermon was on Paul and how the man who was the greatest missionary called himself the worst of sinners...

my mind went somewhere else then the pastor intended... but i began to think of how hypocritical we are as christians (often the people i speak to who think the parents shouldn't be given such chances... are christian - or at least wear the label)... i see a lot of bio-fam bashing in some online support groups...

paul... was saul...


saul was the chief persecutor... GOD met him... GOD changed him... and he became one of the framers of the faith

why do people want to cut off child abusers/neglecters so quickly... yes it's a heinous crime.. (i am NOT going to discuss molestation in this post!)

but seriously - many times the abuse/neglect is not born out of an evil desire to hurt children... but out of ignorance, addiction, lack of education, lack of intelligence, poor support structures, etc.

how many of us have been at the end of the rope with our own children... and looked at our spouse and said i need to be alone... now... or have had that babysitter, grandparent, neighbor we could pull ourselves together and ask to watch the kids for an hour while we run errands? or even been able to pull up a blog or website during nap/bedtime and read that we aren't alone, that other people feel stressed.... read about ideas or techniques on how to handle it the next time around?

why are we so quick to dismiss that the bio-parent can change???

maybe losing their children this time (i know many are repeat offenders) has been the time GOD has met them... GOD has ripped them from their path of bad decisions and shown them where to be... maybe i am a tool of GOD --- maybe you are a tool of GOD...

someone to walk on that path with them and encourage them in small ways... to model choices in parenting...

small things like writing letters, sending pictures, sitting with them prior to court and talking about the kids, SMILING at them, shaking their hands, saying it's a pleasure to meet/see you... treating them with respect and honor...

maybe it won't work... it's hard... it's exhausting... but it's what is best for the kids... and it's what HE would have us do...

lost on the trail...

while on our awesome bear-free vacation... we went on a "15 minute" hike that ended up being 3 hours long.


today, during church... my mind wandered and processed as it always does... and it hit me how our foster care experience has been so much like that hike.

the descent was fast and steep... and once we were down we had to continue... because the way back was too rough. after bubba went home we dived in to caring for two under two years. that was a quick trip to crazy busy, crazy ridiculous. 

While we are supposed to stay on a marked trail, the marks are sometimes hard to find... we occasionally ran across others who could give advice and words of encouragement... but they were few and far between. 

There was the very real possibility of being hurt. (See the copperhead?!?!?!)

 The big picture we know is what matters, the view. We are doing something worthwhile... something important... something bigger than ourselves.

But even in the moments of feeling panicky and worried... there are moments of absolute beauty... no matter how twisted.  

Small moments that continue through the worry of where are we on this path? What is around the next bend?

At one point a part of the crew went ahead... wondering what the other half was doing... how they were progressing... 

How much longer will this be? How will this end?

At one point on the path a friend pointed out we hadn't STOPPED and prayed... we just kept plugging along... but in my head... i had been crying out to God... please keep us safe please don't let us be lost... so often we get comments of... wow... you are so strong, I COULD NEVER DO THAT... what they don't see is the heartbreak... the crying out to GOD... please care for these babies, please keep them safe... handing them over in trust to HIM...

But even in those moments of crying out in fear.... stopping to look at the beauty along the way... experiencing the joy in the moment...

In the end... our path will be outlined like a clear map... we will be able to measure the days, weeks, months, just over a year of having these babies with us... but like the hike... we won't see the map until the end.


It's so odd to think that the end is so close... yet just like that day on the hike... how close, we don't know... and just like that day... CONSTANT PRAYER, TRUST, FAITH, AND DEEP BREATHING is the way to survive...

getting harder

dropping off momma bear to school i almost lost it, she was clingy and clutching my leg... didn't want me to leave her... harder knowing that it's t minus 27 days.... trying NOT to count days... but want to appreciate what we have while they are here...

still putting them in daycare so we can be sane... thinking of pulling them a few days here and there to get some time with them one on one...

ugh....

missing her and she is still here... so weird....

Playing with colored ice cubes in the splash pool <3

52 weeks down... 4 weeks to go (maybe)

four weeks...

bioparents feel it's a long time...

i feel like it's short.

what seems like a long time to be WITHOUT is a short time WITH.

of course... four week until court and we walk in and are told when they go home... it could be an hour, it could be a week, it could be ????

praying for the parents continued success...

praying for peace...

praying for understanding....

thought the date would be in September... moved up due to schooling and brother bear starting kindergarten. makes solid sense....

heart break in the making....

feel at a loss of what to do, think, say...

catch up

went on a REAL vacation - without the bears... with 3 other awesome families in the fantastic mountains of TN.

celebrated B's 6th birthday

marked my 6th anniversary as a hysterectomy survivor

met my baby-momma

found out reunification is being moved up... BIG court date... July 30... more to come as we process that