outside

as much space as we have inside... there is nothing like the great outdoors - even our limited front yard for the calming of the shrew... by shrew i mean a two year old tantrum of course. inside there is 100 things to say no to, outside - only 5 or 10. She is good at staying out of the street so that hits the number one thing immediately.

Two year old melt downs are now a regular occurrence in our home. Bee hit them at three... Momma Bear is advanced i guess :). i know much of this must have to do with her confusions and sadness. we needed her to have a chill out in her room... and all she did was sit and scream mommymommymommy over and over. so much fun for many reasons - to hear a child continually cry is stressful - to have them cry for you... by a name your not sure you will have forever or not.

and a selfish reason... i'm not a MOMMY fan - i prefer momma.

i fear that these two year old fits are a scary harbinger of 16 year old screaming matches to come. i have little to no patience with her tantrums and her clinginess recently.

we are sitting in our front yard and as i type she refuses to play but wants to be on top of me. instead of playing she slams her sunglasses against the table... and then tantrums when they are removed from her... sigh... so now i am outside in the glorious breeze and quiet... and she is screaming in her room while my hubby deals w/ her meltdowns...

awkward part of foster-christmas

labeling the kiddies present so that if they leave... they can take them with them.

christmas w/ the bears

had an absolute blast with the bears and my bee on christmas.

spoiled them at the capacity that we are able to.

momma bear was a little more spoiled than the rest since we've never had a little girl (always makes me think of the line from Annie)

SUCH a blast...

but it brought up issues. not so much for the kiddies - they are so young, they know somethings up - but it doesn't seem to shake them up as much as others.

they were both so happy, but i felt myself getting sad at points, wondering what it'll be like next year.

the after christmas sales... not hitting them - usually i would go and buy a bunch of stuff in next year's sizes. don't know that they'll be here,  and while i would love for them to be here, if they were here next year - it would mean the A-word... adoption. which i would love - but scares the poo out of me. it's only our second placement - had hoped to help a few more kids. AND - it would mean we would have FOUR KIDS. 3 boys and and a girl. we would need to put 3 boys in a small room. we could do it - but holy cow.

and the BIG thing. i don't want to hope to adopt them. i want to keep hoping their parents pull it together. it's sweet when family tells us they hope that we'll get to keep them (or one of my least favs - ohhh, they're keepers!). or they tell us how much "better" they look - as if they're daddy was useless. i want them forever in our lives, i want them to be my babies forever but i pray for the success of their parents

it's such an odd place to be emotionally - i AM angry with their father that he hasn't picked it up and done what he needs to do so they could be home for christmas - and so thankful we had them for christmas. i pray that things will change and they can go home to their family - but know i will be in pieces when it happens because they are my children in every way that matters.

enjoying them in the moment... trying not to worry about the future

ahhhhh.... space....

have officially begun moving into the playroom...


ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh..... SPACE.

lots and lots and ... well maybe not that much space, but i feel like i can breathe.

working on getting the living areas cleaned up so we can do christmas morning with my family here.

so excited to finally get in the spirit, still not quite there, but the tree is up... and gifts are purchased (but not wrapped)... life is good!

pix to follow soon

display of trust (?)

today i was surprised...

i picked up the bears from school... and was excited to see that there were gifts from their daddy from visitation.

as i was reviewing the contents of the package, and surprised to find at the bottom of the bag.

STOCKINGS.

he sent their stockings...

crazy, but i took it as a sign of trust. 

loss and a miracle

my grandpa passed away on wednesday evening

grief is surreal - doesn't matter that he was 91 - he was my grandpa, my father's father, my son's greatpapa.

in the preparing for his death and the funeral i have lost 3 weeks of december... time stood still for us and zoomed by during the busiest of all seasons.

as i was wallowing in my grief i got a call...

from the woman of that sad story i couldn't share... a miracle of all miracles. after being told by specialist after specialist that there was no hope for her unborn son, that he would be born and survive hours, days, maybe weeks.... after being told the best choice to preserve her sanity would be to terminate his life. they are scratching their heads. things which shouldn't have been able to have happen, have happened.

he will live... he will live... a true christmas miracle - a resurrection of sorts... the news received the day before the funeral of my grandfather... one has died, one will be born and be spared a certain death.

joyous... grieving.... life

little bit by little bit

~ i feel good and i feel like i shouldn't - which is stupid.

~ things are still not right...

~ my grandfather is officially in hospice care, but he is in his home where he wants to be, with his dog

~ our kids' guardian ad litem is coming on tuesday most likely, but our kids finally have a guardian ad litem

~ the case worker i am not fond of is coming by soon, to introduce me to the NEW case worker

~ my house is a mess, but less of a mess than it was at the beginning of the day

~ the playroom is not done, but it's been emptied and is ready to be painted and the sliders are down

~ missed work on friday due to some freaky stomach bug, but i got to sleep ALL DAY because kids were at school....

~ not sure how to end this post... but i'm starting to blog again :):):)

strange thought

caught myself as i was staring at my grandfather lying in his hospital bed....

i was staring at his legs... the legs his mom probably bandaged when he was a kid

he has these little scars on his legs, they remind me of the bug bite scars bee has all over his legs...

i wonder, are those the bug bites HIS momma asked him not to scratch?

as i hold his hand, as he lies there battling pneumonia, are those the same marks a sassy-mouthed 5 yr old scratched 86 years ago.... and some day, will my son's granddaughter be experiencing what i am experiencing now? wondering what i am wondering now.

anxiety

anxiety still high... but working on speaking w/ husband... have had a few freak out moments... and he is trying to roll with it. the main issue has been clean up from flood (yes ---- 3 mo's later the house is still upside down) so he is doing what he can to resolve it. it's VERY hard to get stuff done w/ a two year old in the house. the 5 yr old is helpful, the 6 mos old stays still... the 2 yr old is in it all undoing what has just been done and isn't self entertained.

in addition work is out of control - all the teachers are stressed about a new schedule we have, exams without enough time to prepare the kids, and some other stuff which does not seem to be in the best interest of the students. all decisions made by legislators NOT educators.

there is another sad story which isn't mine to tell... close friend... major complications, will be losing her child shortly after he is born.

my sweet son's behavior is beyond out of control lately. in fact... i was staying home from church to try to get a leg up on some alone time while listening to my favorite hymns and cleaning the growing mess. but 10 minutes into the church service the hubby calls to have me come get my boy. "mocking voice" has been a struggle lately - and he was doing it in church... ugh...

and the cherry on the top... my 92 year old grandfather is in the hospital, and it doesn't look good. i haven't been able to spend as much time with him as i would like in the past 6 mos... but know that we have done what has had to be done.

all of this at my favorite time of the year... and i haven't even pulled out our advent box... so sad to think this christmas season will pass and i feel that i haven't been speaking into the soul of my children...

<<<>>> this too shall pass....

promises that shouldn't be made

court on monday

nervous

bears' dad will be there (hopefully)

we will speak to judge if he desires... heard he requests fp name for the record... will try to go just off foster mom... but we will see... haven't wanted our name ON THE RECORD b/c then we can be found. case worker says dad isn't that resourceful. will keep faith...

have heard dad is promising kids they'll be home for Christmas... case worker tells me she doesn't see it happening... but it is all in the judges hands.

whatever is best.

my fear is that we will walk into court and be told pack them up... praying for least a week warning whenever that does happen. Just enough time for us to come to terms and to prep bee.

praying hard for the best, praying that GOD will give us peace in whatever happens.

praying for the bears' big brother and father. if the judge doesn't work it so the kids are home by christmas - they will both be desperately disappointed. praying that it doesn't discourage dad from trying his hardest.

would love to see the kids go for overnight or weekend visits.... if they are to go home... would give us time to adjust - and them - and we would get breaks :)

feeling powerless - but know HE who has the power is in control....