Friday, April 30, 2010


scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we are going...

from criminal minds...

but so appropriate.

the firsts... and seconds

the hardest things, are the firsts and the seconds.

the firsts are hard, because well they are the firsts.

the first birthday I had... almost 8 months after... just felt odd... celebrating the beginning of my life when i came so close to losing it and still hadn't come to terms with it

the first time going back to the ob-gyn, all the pregnant women... remembering the last time i had been there - with such joy and hope

the first time a friend became pregnant

the first time a friend became pregnant - and was less than excited (married, not planned, happy, but surprised)

the first time at the hospital again

waiting for my best friend to have her baby... sitting in the waiting room waiting for my sister-in-law to have her baby... attending the birth of my prayer partner's 2nd child (healing!)

the first time holding a baby, and the second, and the third and everytime - the ache deep where a baby would grow if things had gone differently

the seconds are often harder than the firsts... why... because you think you can handle it. and then it stings, the grief ~ the hollow sorrow

in a way it gets easier, but some days -  just when you think you're good again... it smacks hard... and you just breathe

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

to my future babies #1

My babies...

Watched a movie and I cried for you today.

I hope that your life is better than I imagine. I pray they are reading to you. I pray that you have cuddle time. I pray that they cover your eyes when things get scary.

I cried because they may not.

I cried because I wish we had the finances to fix things up so we could get you now.

I cried because I can't stop any pain you may feel. I cried because I love you. already I love you.

You are my babies, all of you. How ever many may come through our doors, however many may leave. You are my babies, even though you are not with me now.

~ Your Momma

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

the shadow

so... the title of this blog...

a shadow of grief.

4 years

some of the happiest

but always sad

the sorrow is there, like my shadow.

after naming the blog, found an interesting link... it's not about this grief, but about losing a multipl child and having a surviving child. the listed feelings of grief... so close to what i felt.

check it out

Saturday, April 24, 2010


So i took an online survey about my birth experience and it has me thinking...

 I got a "blanket" email back saying some of my responses stating I may be at risk for PTSD or depression I keep thinking I'm in a good place - until i start thinking... if that makes sense

i can't quite remember all the questions...

but one asked how often you cry, etc. i'm actually not a big crier... used to be, but since... not as much. i tear up for others, but not myself often. one of the reasons i think is i COULDN'T cry when it first happened. If I had sobbed the way you would expect someone to do after finding out such news, the pain would have been beyond barable due to the stitches (longer than normal c-section, 2-4 hours of repair surgery ending in a hyster can be rough on the gut).

i started at one point during the longest night (alone in ICU and not sleeping with a nurse who couldn't figure out where my family was)... but quickly stopped b/c even the dilaudin didn't numb the pain of the stitches while crying.

anyway... i was going to say, i think its a timing thing... since we've been discussing grief in my small group (a bible study group of 3 momma's i'm in)... i've been thinking about the grieving process more, the lack of support and absence in the online blogworld stuff, and we have a blood drive coming up at school.

i always do a short reminder to my students of why its important to donate blood - they "know" my story. but it was esp. rough doing it this past time, grieving in my heart for myself and for a friend who has recently had a miscarriage

sooo... i guess my prayer request this week is that i continue to heal. it's always there... like my shadow, the grief of losing future bio children, the grief that B's first few weeks are lost to me... i remember bits and pieces, but it's hazy due to the pain, grief, shock and awesome pain pills

sometimes i think i'm good at looking fine and "healed"... but knowing i'm not... i need to take that grief to HIM more often

Wednesday, April 21, 2010


Our future as parents... well... as this blog is dealing with the grief of hysterectomies - obviously it will not be "traditional".

I am cool w/ all the options out there. I have no political/religious issues with foreign or domestic adoption or surrogacy. For my husband and I, we have decided to foster with the hopes of eventual adoption. We planned to start the process this January - but finances suck (as they do for the entire country) so we have delayed it a year.

Tonight I heard two people at church (different churches) say negative things about foster care.

The first was unintentional and I still don't think he gets why I was annoyed. 

Speaking to a girl whose family is currently homeless (in between rental and buying homeless - not vagrants) he said 

"do you feel like a foster kid, bouncing from house to house?"

I called him on it - fast. Basically just said that was rough - and reminded him that one day there would be foster kids in the church. He didn't get it. I thought it sucked b/c it trivializes a very traumatizing part of many foster kids lives. Foster kids today are NOT bounced as much, but even if they were... it's hurtful to joke about. 
That alone would not have provoked this blograge that is about to occur. 

After my bible study, I went to pick up my son from my mother's church. (She teaches a preschool bible study that he attends.) 

As I'm picking him up I overhear half a conversation... I shall paraphrase what a leader of this children's bible study said (as she is holding an infant - that from the context of the conversation would be safe to assume is HER FOSTER CHILD)
"We decided to foster babies. What with a 9 and 10 year old, we didn't want to risk taking in older kids. With a younger kid, there wouldn't be anything wrong with them"

Are you freakin' kidding me?!?!?

Nothing is "wrong with" any child. 
Older foster children maybe a bit challenging, but seriously - if  you're kids are 9 and 10 - they could handle a troubled 5 year old. That child NEEDS to see well adjusted kids, they need the positive role modeling.

WRONG WITH - you would think someone with training would be more sensitive and compassionate.

I did not say anything, I don't know the woman.

Would love comments... if anyone out there is reading this... what would YOU have done?

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Good News/Bad News

Wow... great lesson!

--- click on the title to find the total axxess monday school titled The Original Jo Bro---

While listening to Wally speak about how we as believers struggle when God doesn't do what we know HE can do, it struck me as that is often one of my battles.

I believe God could have stopped my hemorrhaging. He could have made sure it didn't even start. But... he didn't.

I truly believe it would be POSSIBLE for God to regrow my uterus... yet I know it is vastly improbable.

Somehow his vast plan includes my hysterectomy. I may never see it.

The believe in an omnipotent God gets rough when life does NOT go the way we in our infinite wisdom plan!

As I was re listening to this broadcast... my lil one ran in and gave me a big kiss.... saying he'd put honey in my pasta to make it sweet for me.

My lil man is the honey of my life. He makes my life so sweet. Would I have realized it if there hadn't been the immediate loss of future bio-children? The immediate grief following his birth... is that what has made his life so sweet to me?

Who knows?

Like I said in my first post - this blog will be messy and confusing - but hey! so's my life!

Monday, April 19, 2010

How I got to here...

Things were different 4 years ago... really not that long ago.

Didn't know how quickly things would change. I gave birth to my gorgeous child B almost 4 years ago. What I didn't know was that things would quickly change from the most exciting and happiest time, to the day I almost died.

Things have improved from those first few days, weeks, months of grief... but recently I had a friend suffer from the loss of a miscarriage. I found myself envying her ability to find tons of blogs and websites dedicated to the loss of an unborn child --- where I found 1 support group... and ended up starting a small one myself.

Not much out there for the woman who gives birth and loses her fertility on the same day. This will be my attempt to retrace my steps of healing... and for me to rewalk the path to patch up the wounds when they rip back open.

It will be blundering, messy, honest, and a bit of a raw, but hopefully one day - it'll be there, and if someone else searches.... they may find some help in following the path I took.