the hardest things, are the firsts and the seconds.
the firsts are hard, because well they are the firsts.
the first birthday I had... almost 8 months after... just felt odd... celebrating the beginning of my life when i came so close to losing it and still hadn't come to terms with it
the first time going back to the ob-gyn, all the pregnant women... remembering the last time i had been there - with such joy and hope
the first time a friend became pregnant
the first time a friend became pregnant - and was less than excited (married, not planned, happy, but surprised)
the first time at the hospital again
waiting for my best friend to have her baby... sitting in the waiting room waiting for my sister-in-law to have her baby... attending the birth of my prayer partner's 2nd child (healing!)
the first time holding a baby, and the second, and the third and everytime - the ache deep where a baby would grow if things had gone differently
the seconds are often harder than the firsts... why... because you think you can handle it. and then it stings, the grief ~ the hollow sorrow
in a way it gets easier, but some days - just when you think you're good again... it smacks hard... and you just breathe