Introspections

So i took an online survey about my birth experience and it has me thinking...



 I got a "blanket" email back saying some of my responses stating I may be at risk for PTSD or depression I keep thinking I'm in a good place - until i start thinking... if that makes sense

i can't quite remember all the questions...

but one asked how often you cry, etc. i'm actually not a big crier... used to be, but since... not as much. i tear up for others, but not myself often. one of the reasons i think is i COULDN'T cry when it first happened. If I had sobbed the way you would expect someone to do after finding out such news, the pain would have been beyond barable due to the stitches (longer than normal c-section, 2-4 hours of repair surgery ending in a hyster can be rough on the gut).

i started at one point during the longest night (alone in ICU and not sleeping with a nurse who couldn't figure out where my family was)... but quickly stopped b/c even the dilaudin didn't numb the pain of the stitches while crying.

anyway... i was going to say, i think its a timing thing... since we've been discussing grief in my small group (a bible study group of 3 momma's i'm in)... i've been thinking about the grieving process more, the lack of support and absence in the online blogworld stuff, and we have a blood drive coming up at school.

i always do a short reminder to my students of why its important to donate blood - they "know" my story. but it was esp. rough doing it this past time, grieving in my heart for myself and for a friend who has recently had a miscarriage

sooo... i guess my prayer request this week is that i continue to heal. it's always there... like my shadow, the grief of losing future bio children, the grief that B's first few weeks are lost to me... i remember bits and pieces, but it's hazy due to the pain, grief, shock and awesome pain pills

sometimes i think i'm good at looking fine and "healed"... but knowing i'm not... i need to take that grief to HIM more often