after...

the actual dr apptmnt went better than expected... the before hand, sitting in the waiting room - SUCKED


filling out paper work before hand was absolutely gut wrenching

i had to fill out new patient paperwork because i had not been in for four years

i hate filling out my medical history...

upside is it's a "normal" issue... easily resolved... AND... my fretting over going into menopause already... unfounded... the dr said i could go "early" but only by a few years - so in my mid 40s... not now...

more processing to come... but relief for now that i made it through without a meltdown!

stages

one of the things about foster care is that the kids are usually gone w/in 8 mos (i asked - that is the avg stay in our area).

we have had the bears for almost a year... if things stay on track they will leave around the 16 mo mark... 2x's as long as "normal"

part of the oddity of the long stay is they are outgrowing things, clothes, bottles, car seats, toys...

packing up bottles today...

he hasn't had one for us in a while... but was still having one a day at school...

monday he moves up to the toddler class... (not quite toddling yet though)

sad... i don' t know if his mommy ever gave him a bottle, and now that window has been closed...

grieving the baby who is growing up and for the mommy who missed out...

ANXIETY back full force

have just a few things going on to rachet up the anxiety... y'know besides the normalcy of having a 1 yr old a 2 yr old and an almost 6 yr old...

will avoid the issue of TMI... but i have to go to the lady doctor due to some discomfort...

i am bad, bad, bad... haven't been in FOUR years...

the ob/gyn who did the c-section and hysterectomy has retired... to Canada.

i will be seeing the guy who assisted in the hysterectomy (tried to get in to see another woman and she is booked).

i HATE going... first question is always last period... 6 years later it's no fun answering.

and that's the other thing. it'll be two weeks shy of bee's birthday... and all the things that brings up.

doing some reading of my symptoms...

one of the things that keeps popping up is that it can be tied to women who are entering menopause.... lovely...

34 and entering menopause... i've been hyper-paranoid about that b/c it's a common side effect... sort of like your ovaries figure out that you have no uterus... why keep working...

...sigh...

very much looking forward to our big vacay - but even that has me on full crazy...

called placement to see if they had found someone for the bears yet... nope... they like to wait until it's a little closer... it's one week away... we will be gone for 10 days! bull$h*%


i get it... but ugh.... they will be so confused... and to add into all that craziness... they will get to see mommy for the first time... WHILE IN RESPITE... as in they won't be able to decompress with me... but with someone else.... sooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo confusing for them

and of course... now that it's coming up that she will be back... the reality of them leaving us gets clearer and clearer...

ugh ugh ugh

was driving around in the midst of this and realized the awful feeling was back... the my skin is on inside out and everything around me irritates it.... ugh ugh ugh - totally a product of anxiety... suckage...

deep breaths, naps, coffee, cleaning.... prayer prayer prayer prayer... i know there must be a plan... but it' s so hard to see...

cranky one year old

why???

why does a one  year old act like a cranky boy?

baby bear is acting cranky cranky cranky lately...

throwing his cup, not eating... arching, screaming... no fever, no symptoms... just cranky

does he sense the shift in our house???? does he realize that we are working on shifting from momma to auntie...

momma bear still calls me momma.... but i will giggle and say am I your mommy... and she will laugh and say no! auntie!!!

low key redirect... but still it's shifted the tone..

6-8 weeks shipping

ordered a lunch box for momma bear (free from Huggies Rewards)...

it's take 6-8 weeks to be shipped

not that big a deal... but to think... she will likely only be here for 12 more weeks...

have caught myself getting teary a lot lately... this summer marks 2nd times we got to do things with the kids... and last times... 

a lesson that shouldn't be taught

i know racism is learned


i hate it, i've heard my younger cousins use words that make my stomach turn... but they were 10ish... young but an "older" young...

we had brother bear in the van over baby bear's bday weekend

our neighborhood is culturally diverse... and as we drove down the street there was a young black man walking on the sidewalk. he didn't look sketchy, just a guy walking in his own neighborhood... and from the back of the van i could sense brother bear's attention perking up... he said... mommy mommy... that's a... a... it's a bad word.

i said, yes brother that would be a bad word.

even though the word was never spoken it broke my heart that this young 5 year old knew that word.

then... further breaking my heart... mommy - he's a bad man.

this child does not know this man from adam, we live in an area far from his foster parents and far from his bio-family.

my answer.... "brother, you don't know that man, you don't know he's a bad man. just because he's black does not mean he is bad."

silence

"do you know white people who have made bad choices?"

brother - yes...

"just because someone makes bad choices doesn't make them bad.... and choices can be made by anyone no matter what color they are.... right?"

brother - yes mommy...

"people who have made bad choices, they can work on making better choices. we can pray for them to make good choices"

brother... can we play on the swing...

moment gone... but hopefully lesson learned...

sigh

giving myself a break

i was worried that i was grouchy... not handling everything well...

then i stopped and thought about the past year...

in ONE YEAR...

we began fostering

had our first placement reunified

accepted a placement of 2 under 2


felt the guilt of not accepting a third sibling (placement understanding - but it's there on our part)

a meningitis scare

starting a school year on an alternating block schedule (any teacher out there will know the stress of a switched schedule)

a flood...

a month in a motel (with 2 under 2 plus our own bee)

moving back in to our wrecked home (keeping an under 2 yr old out of the mess)

my sister's wedding

trip with four children to LEGOland... getting to know the big brother not in our custody

a hint at possible adoption... and almost as quickly... taken back

a tragic diagnosis of my nephew to be...

the passing of my grandfather

a reversal of a tragic diagnosis

moving into our addition (which took over a year to finish)

a sad christmas (grandfather passing just 10 days before) without the usual advent traditions

big time birth parent drama

premature birth of aforementioned nephew.... massive complications... holding our breath day by day...

more birth parent drama...

likely reunification coming up...

yup... need to cut myself some slack... pour a glass of wine and get a massage!