sweet crazy boy...
so smart it's scary...
what to say when you ask about your birth...
you already have, but you don't quite get it yet...
i tell you how happy i am to have had you... that you are my gift...
momma pushed and pushed, and the doctor said they had to hurry and get you out and they cut my tummy open to get you out...
that later, there was another surgery and my tummy was broken... that no more babies will grow in momma's belly...
how old will you be when you realize what that means?
human nature will cause you to wonder, i tell you now - i love you, it's not "your fault" never have i blamed you for what has happened. i blame no one... it's how it happened. i fear that you will one day wonder, and i know that i won't be able to calm those questions in your mind...
but know this always - I LOVE YOU
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 29, 2010
As clear as mud
Lately I feel like my brain is moving in slow motion. I try to have conversations but I feel like I'm five minutes behind all the time. Sometimes it is hard to hear, but a lot of the time I feel like it is taking me longer to connect what is being said with my thoughts as well.
I don't know if this is stress (i am a high school teacher in a public school in florida - and besides the expected stress of being a teacher ---- there are tons of legislative issues).
OR if this is fall out of mental fall out of B's birth.
This time of year is hard for me, 4 years ago I was finishing up work and getting ready for giving birth. I still can't believe it's been four years...
I tend to get tired and a bit bummed... but I fight for joy. It's a long process... but I refuse to allow my summer to be robbed of its joy this year.
I don't know if this is stress (i am a high school teacher in a public school in florida - and besides the expected stress of being a teacher ---- there are tons of legislative issues).
OR if this is fall out of mental fall out of B's birth.
This time of year is hard for me, 4 years ago I was finishing up work and getting ready for giving birth. I still can't believe it's been four years...
I tend to get tired and a bit bummed... but I fight for joy. It's a long process... but I refuse to allow my summer to be robbed of its joy this year.
Sunday, May 9, 2010
Mothers' Day
Mothers' Day... like many holidays are rough for those who grieve.
I think of my dream babies that will never be. I think of my future babies that are not with me yet. I wonder... will they spend their first Momma's Day with me?
I do not understand mothers who have not fulfilled their sacred duty. Being a momma is a gift and privilege. God has granted us a life to mold and shape. To neglect, abandon or abuse that responsibility is reprehensible to me.
Next year... next year at this time we will either be newly licensed or just about to be (if all goes according to plan).
I know that Mothers Day is not only rough for those of us who mourn with loss, infertility, etc. but also for those gorgeous children who are in emergency shelters or foster care.
Today in church we heard what a gift our mothers are to us. What to say to a child whose mother has abused or abandoned them. How do they see that reflection of Christ that we are to be?????
Praying for my future babies tonight...
I think of my dream babies that will never be. I think of my future babies that are not with me yet. I wonder... will they spend their first Momma's Day with me?
I do not understand mothers who have not fulfilled their sacred duty. Being a momma is a gift and privilege. God has granted us a life to mold and shape. To neglect, abandon or abuse that responsibility is reprehensible to me.
Next year... next year at this time we will either be newly licensed or just about to be (if all goes according to plan).
I know that Mothers Day is not only rough for those of us who mourn with loss, infertility, etc. but also for those gorgeous children who are in emergency shelters or foster care.
Today in church we heard what a gift our mothers are to us. What to say to a child whose mother has abused or abandoned them. How do they see that reflection of Christ that we are to be?????
Praying for my future babies tonight...
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
Surviving through Blessing
After reading a friend's blog about her struggle w/ coming to God w/ the grief of a miscarriage... I thought of a song that spoke to me following B's birth and the following loss. It's a song that I think is good for any loss.
Blessed Be Your Name.
The end gets me...
You Give and Take Away...
I don't know of any other phrase that so fully captures my experience. I still can't quite sing those words w/o choking up.
I received such a blessing through B but lost so much... I almost lost the privilege of being around to be his mother.
My Heart will Choose to Say... Blessed Be your Name.
It's not an easy choice. It's one that I have to fight to do. The dichotomy of wanting to sit at his feet like a child and be comforted, while (like a child) throw a temper tantrum and scream at the top of my lungs, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!
Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering...
How could this loss be an offering?
This is my constant plea, prayer and question.
If through this immediate loss, I am a better mother, a better Christian, a mother to children who would not have had a mother and father...
... does that make it worth it?...
To me that question sucks.
The children of my dreams will never be. For me to say sacrificing them is too close to saying I could have sacrificed having B.
Does it get easier?
Sometimes... there are days and weeks that it is easier, I see the good, I can rejoice in the good. There are moments that it is just as hard as those first few months of complete sorrow and grief. Those moments are shorter. I know they will never fully go away. I just remind myself... life sucks. There is a promise of something better, even though it is hard to hold onto in those darkest moments.
Blessed Be Your Name.
The end gets me...
You Give and Take Away...
I don't know of any other phrase that so fully captures my experience. I still can't quite sing those words w/o choking up.
I received such a blessing through B but lost so much... I almost lost the privilege of being around to be his mother.
My Heart will Choose to Say... Blessed Be your Name.
It's not an easy choice. It's one that I have to fight to do. The dichotomy of wanting to sit at his feet like a child and be comforted, while (like a child) throw a temper tantrum and scream at the top of my lungs, IT'S NOT FAIR!!!!!!
Blessed be Your Name on the road marked with suffering, when there's pain in the offering...
How could this loss be an offering?
This is my constant plea, prayer and question.
If through this immediate loss, I am a better mother, a better Christian, a mother to children who would not have had a mother and father...
... does that make it worth it?...
To me that question sucks.
The children of my dreams will never be. For me to say sacrificing them is too close to saying I could have sacrificed having B.
Does it get easier?
Sometimes... there are days and weeks that it is easier, I see the good, I can rejoice in the good. There are moments that it is just as hard as those first few months of complete sorrow and grief. Those moments are shorter. I know they will never fully go away. I just remind myself... life sucks. There is a promise of something better, even though it is hard to hold onto in those darkest moments.
Friday, April 30, 2010
quote
scars remind us where we've been, they don't have to dictate where we are going...
from criminal minds...
but so appropriate.
from criminal minds...
but so appropriate.
the firsts... and seconds
the hardest things, are the firsts and the seconds.
the firsts are hard, because well they are the firsts.
the first birthday I had... almost 8 months after... just felt odd... celebrating the beginning of my life when i came so close to losing it and still hadn't come to terms with it
the first time going back to the ob-gyn, all the pregnant women... remembering the last time i had been there - with such joy and hope
the first time a friend became pregnant
the first time a friend became pregnant - and was less than excited (married, not planned, happy, but surprised)
the first time at the hospital again
waiting for my best friend to have her baby... sitting in the waiting room waiting for my sister-in-law to have her baby... attending the birth of my prayer partner's 2nd child (healing!)
the first time holding a baby, and the second, and the third and everytime - the ache deep where a baby would grow if things had gone differently
the seconds are often harder than the firsts... why... because you think you can handle it. and then it stings, the grief ~ the hollow sorrow
in a way it gets easier, but some days - just when you think you're good again... it smacks hard... and you just breathe
the firsts are hard, because well they are the firsts.
the first birthday I had... almost 8 months after... just felt odd... celebrating the beginning of my life when i came so close to losing it and still hadn't come to terms with it
the first time going back to the ob-gyn, all the pregnant women... remembering the last time i had been there - with such joy and hope
the first time a friend became pregnant
the first time a friend became pregnant - and was less than excited (married, not planned, happy, but surprised)
the first time at the hospital again
waiting for my best friend to have her baby... sitting in the waiting room waiting for my sister-in-law to have her baby... attending the birth of my prayer partner's 2nd child (healing!)
the first time holding a baby, and the second, and the third and everytime - the ache deep where a baby would grow if things had gone differently
the seconds are often harder than the firsts... why... because you think you can handle it. and then it stings, the grief ~ the hollow sorrow
in a way it gets easier, but some days - just when you think you're good again... it smacks hard... and you just breathe
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
to my future babies #1
My babies...
Watched a movie and I cried for you today.
I hope that your life is better than I imagine. I pray they are reading to you. I pray that you have cuddle time. I pray that they cover your eyes when things get scary.
I cried because they may not.
I cried because I wish we had the finances to fix things up so we could get you now.
I cried because I can't stop any pain you may feel. I cried because I love you. already I love you.
You are my babies, all of you. How ever many may come through our doors, however many may leave. You are my babies, even though you are not with me now.
~ Your Momma
Watched a movie and I cried for you today.
I hope that your life is better than I imagine. I pray they are reading to you. I pray that you have cuddle time. I pray that they cover your eyes when things get scary.
I cried because they may not.
I cried because I wish we had the finances to fix things up so we could get you now.
I cried because I can't stop any pain you may feel. I cried because I love you. already I love you.
You are my babies, all of you. How ever many may come through our doors, however many may leave. You are my babies, even though you are not with me now.
~ Your Momma
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