never thought i'd have this bookmarked

http://www.dc.state.fl.us/oth/inmates/writing.html#1

FAQ: Writing to an inmate...

today's final straw

bathing momma bear after being told i can't take her to daycare tomorrow due to diarrhea (which means she has to come with me on my teacher workday... i was planning on getting so much done)...

she screamed and cried - who knows why... it's been this way for a while and up a level since fake-out visit...

she cried I WANT DADDY!!!!!!

i didn't stop to consider she could have meant my husband - my brain snapped...

wtf... you want HIM... the one who has let you down - the one who has caused all this sh$*&...

i finished her bath quickly, briskly, and then passed her off to the husband... realized after a few deep breaths she was calling for him

but in those moments i felt so betrayed,

i felt the unfairness of it all

this sucks.... it really sucks

one of those days

yesterday was hard

daddy last minute canceled

kids almost there

in car

together

turn around for an hour drive back

to be split up again....


today...

her temper tantrums...

me wondering....

me questioning...

both of us pissed....

will it be different when there are visits with mommy...

or more of the same

thinking

we have a 3rd baby in the house for the weekend...

not too much added really - sweet lil' girl who leaves in the morning...

a respite gig...

but you would think when hubby left the house w/ momma bear so i could rest i would conk out and sleep

nope - reunification on the brain.

thinking this long until xxx happens which means this long until xxxx which means maybe they will go home ... when???

started talking w/ hubby about how we will pack them up - think we are going to give them our luggage. we got it for our wedding... good, but i'm ready for a new set and we will more than fill it all packing them up when it comes time...

silly - b/c it's far away - but when it's quiet - that's where my head goes.... to them leaving

do i dare pray

i know GOD can do anything

i know ANYTHING is possible

i know though... HE sometimes has a plan that makes no sense to me

as i stood over my tiny nephew in the NICU and looked at his sweet small frame with wires and tubes coming from every which way... the prayer stuck in my heart...

then i felt it come

like a DEMAND

YOU CAN FIX THIS!!!!! 


YOU SHOULD FIX THIS!!!! 


THEY DON'T DESERVE THIS AFTER ALL THEY'VE ALREADY BATTLED!!!!


as i drove home across the state, i felt myself searching and seeking more... if i could i would sit at his feet, wash them with my tears and the tears of my s-i-l. dry them off with my hair....

my heart is at his feet - my soul lies prostrate

this lil' boy is already a miracle and has overcome other diagnoses - reversed diagnoses... i NEVER dared to pray for healing when it seemed impossible....

now that there's a chance, i'm afraid too...

meeting mommy

i "met" mommy today

over the phone (@ county office during a planning meeting)

sounds like... someone who i could have been friends with

she doesn't sound like an addict

we spoke

i told her i love HER kids... i reaffirmed several times that "they are YOUR kids" she asked if i would write her updates, and i said of course... they are YOUR kids, we love them...

she thanked me...

i told her "baby bear" was getting chubby and had the best belly laugh in the world.

that momma bear was well and that they are visiting brother this weekend

she cried...

i cried...

she asked that we tell her kids she loves them and thinks of them... i promised and told her we pray for her every day...

my heart broke for her ---- i have a love for her i cannot explain.... she is my babies momma... you could hear the love she has for them... so i love her (weird?)


please join me --- pray for her --- pray for strength --- pray for wisdom.... she has some tough things to do to make this work

in the wind

it's been a week since daddy showed and left after 15 minutes

thought he'd want to make up for lost time

no call

no show

they can't find him

he's in the wind

praying he's alright - that nothing has happened to him... praying he hasn't done something insanely stupid...

the truth is... foster parenting with your whole heart involves letting in people you would never associate with usually.

i haven't met daddy but he is my babies daddy... he lets them down... he lets me down

7 months they've been with us... and he's blowing it...

praying praying praying he's alright - even though i would love to kick his.....

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