Lil Dude

Saturday he came to us... 5 days ago... 2 yrs old

Today I got a unsolicited I love you. 

Maybe because I'm letting him use my nook to play angry birds??? 

7 YEARS

i don't know if it's just being in the depths of craziness of a new placement (more later on lil dude) or if it's time passing...

but today is my 7 year alive anniversary --- and i didn't freak out once... it's there --- but i am able to push it off... no anxiety no freaking out... just a recognition of what it is and zip = moving on...

maybe it's because i've gone through the loss of reunification on foster side???

maybe it's time finally covering the wound with a thicker scar???

crazy...

hope... for those of you who stumble onto this little blog and are in the newer stages - have it... LIVE life, continue on.... one day i pray it will be a bitter-bitter-bitter sweet memory... a pang... but the knowledge that just like harry potter's scar (forgive me we are reading it...) a scar of pain but it makes you who you are...

Innocent questions... Hard Answers

Bee's birthday is tomorrow...

Last night we were snuggling and I was talking about how 7 years ago I was waddling around super hot and couldn't wait for him to come and meet me....

I was telling him all about how his Daddy's Mommy had come to stay in town and rented a condo... that we thought he would be born and she was there for the week up to the day he was born because he was TEN DAYS LATE!!!!

Then in the most plainest facttelling voice === he asked... Is that how I broke your belly??? Because I was late???

my heart about broke...

great that we were able to have the conversation...

I have always said my belly broke AFTER he was born (careful to phrase it so that it wasn't WHEN but AFTER)...

we talked and talked... he thought he had kicked me too hard so it broke... etc etc...

I told him no baby that's not why... then he asked the question of which we have no answer... Why did it happen????

Trying to explain to him that they don't know why it happened but it wasn't because of him and that it wasn't "HIS FAULT" was so hard....

I ended up telling him it was because my body just wasn't made to have babies... etc etc...

waiting-nesting... pregnancy vs foster care

so... we've done this before so the "unknown" of foster care is not the same...

but definitely in the crazy calm weird last moments before THE CALL

THE CALL is similar to CONTRACTIONS

you think you know about when it will happen... you have a due date... but the time is flexible...

you are tempted to wait at home, but know that these may be your last moments before the storm hits...

nesting hits hard core... all of a sudden nothing is clean enough... those house projects that have been sitting around the past year and a half are of upmost importance

some differences... i'm sipping a glass of wine (but only one in case the call comes)

i have used MASSIVE amounts of bleach and other strong toxic chemicals for cleaning i wouldn't have used if preggers

i am not slowed down by big belly and swelling feet...

similar... i know my life is about to change forever... how much it will change for how long who knows....

different - no temptation to buy tons of clothes for babe --- because we have no idea the age (or gender) of child x as we have begun to jokingly refer to the newest kiddie as...

i double checked w/ our licensing agent.... placement knows...

this time our guidelines --- 1 child only --- ages birth to early 4s.

any moment....

Caught off guard

In our friends' SUV

Driving the loops of a mountain

I hear her giggles and his squeals

Bee had discovered some old videos he had taped on his iPod. 

It's been a month since we've heard anything

Less than a week until we reopen our house

Gut check on how much I still miss them and think of them as ours

Wonder how I can love and lose that much again

But I will

And through HIS grace and strength I will survive

Wistful

I catch myself looking at women with little girls in the store and I'm just wistful. I miss them, I'm glad they're home but I just wish the silliness of her. 

Respite struggles

Did respite this weekend for a set of sweet sisters. 

Had a blast with them. 

They cried when they left. Felt bad for their fmom. She called us... She is asking the social worker to move the oldest. Asked if we would do it. Ugh. 

She is out of our full time range for age. 

Feel like crap. 

Worried we did more harm than good by bonding with them this weekend. 

2 visits

Realize it's been awhile since I posted...

After thinking it was OVER, I sent a text wishing a blessed Easter, and got texted back - with pictures!

Later that week, saw the kids and three weeks later got to take Bee to see them. Back to a couple of texts every couple of weeks. 

Praying for success happy they are well. 

foster parent appreciation

Funniest thing from our districts dinner...

You can't hit, you must outwit!

when you have friends who get it...

it makes it easier...

friends who have kept it together in front of you... but who you have the feeling have lost it in the ugly cry for your babes and for you

who keep the curiosity at bay to not ask the probing questions... who immediately great the friend for the weekend as they would any new child to the crew..

who with less than 24 hours notice whips up an extra goodie bag for the birthday party you are all of a sudden bringing an additional guest too...

love my friends <3 do="" easier="" it="" make="" p="" to="" we="" what="" you="">

Wrong way

5.5 months later, I took wrong turn home. Started driving to daycare

Sigh

One of those things.

Confession

The bears now live just under an hour away

They were in process of weekend visits when I got my iPhone. I set the weather apps to include their town.

I occasionally still check to see what the weather is like.

There is a thin line between sentimental and stalking :)

hippity hoppity

prepping my big boy's basket tonight and getting a bit reminiscent...

this time last year, i was prepping 3 lil' kid baskets...

that will never be again (we will NOT do 3 again)...

missing the babies tons...

the package we sent them should have arrived today... no word...

praying they are fine...

Turning right, wishing it were left

As we drive across the state.... we pass a sign.

Turn right for in laws
Turn left for babies' town
Van turns right
I feel my heart pull left

Still no word

This Easter will be so different from last year.

over?

sent another text today (thinking MAYBE their phones had been turned off - wanted to give them the chance)

low key - hey we'll be in the neighborhood - can we come by...

still no word...

thinking it's really over... but the last time i thought that - we got to see them...

more at peace with it b/c the last time we saw my sweet babes - i soaked it in --- looked in their faces and thought that it could be it...

we got to give them christmas gifts... going to mail a small package of clothes i bought...

figure we will still send postcards occasionally...

whether or not they ever contact us - i still love them...

sigh...

My favorite kind

So we got a call for a set of brothers for the night. Older than usual, but I could tell the worker was desperate. Said yes. Cleaned house in tizzy 2 hours later they call... Found another placement that could keep them long term. That's my favorite - say yes even though I don't want to, get house straightened up like it should be anyway, be help, but still get to sleep in on my first day of spring break :)

betrayal?

i have my screen set on my phone...

it's me and her...

i can't bring myself to change the picture...

but some day there will be a new baby...

feel like it's betrayal to take her picture off

the weird things of foster care!

no word

2 weeks ago i texted...

they said we could always stop by whenever...

but now no word...

had offered to stop by this Saturday to see the babes --- maybe drop off some easter bunny gifts...

no word...

a few days later before hitting a big sale... texted for sizes...

silence...

still no word...

last time they spontaneously texted us was in january...

last picture sent... was in december...

so much for the promise we could stick around...

praying they are well... praying they remember us and our love but don't feel as if we've abandoned them...

missing them in the quiet times...

Baby for a night

Had the tiniest lil babe for 10 hours

It always amazes me how small they can be

Was reminded how sweet (and sleepless) a baby in the house can be

final pages

finally got off my hiney to finish up scrapbooks from last year...

about to upload the pictures from last month the babies were here...

so weird... hit a snag... small technical issue that will be easy to fix, at the same time i want to just "STOP FOR NOW"...

i know i need to finish it... but it'll be so final to do the last page. to write out why they will no longer be in the book. yay they went home - part of the plan... but so final...

need to finish... doesn't help that i'm sickie w/ a funk that's been rotating around our county...

wondering if the missing them will lessen once we open our home to more long term babes???? or if maybe we'll at least be too busy to miss them so actively...

snooping around

couldn't resist --- snooped around on some social media sites... know a few names of friends etc... stumbled across happy smiling pix of the kids taken just this week...

relief in seeing many of the things we purchased for them in the pictures or in the background... had been warned they could pawn them.... they haven't

four months have passed and it feels like yesterday... and years ago our house was full of noise...

glad my snoopiness paid off in positives...

fragile moments

(just found this in the dusty archives)

i have had this beautiful magnolia teacup... i never drank tea out of it though... it reminds me of my oldest and dearest friend... 20 years this woman has put up with me, through the dramas of high school, the ups and downs of some interesting life events... from standing next to each other during our wedding vows, to helping me pump during the hazy times following bees birth, to playdates at SeaWorld

our friendship has hit the back burner in the past years b/c of work and babies...

just recently (don't let the pumpkin in the background fool you - it's january and it sits in our kitchen still... more on that another time) i dusted off this teacup to use it in a daily way - to light a candle to freshen our home, and to remind me to pray for her... good intentions...

today i was trying a trick to get the wax out (freeze cup and the wax will pop right out) and in my clumsy way... i dropped it --- i couldn't have been more thoughtful or careful as i pulled it out of the freezer... and smash - it fell to the hard tile floor...

i stared at the shards spread over our kitchen floor - and kept saying --- i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry.... i searched for thankful joy... and in the daily struggle i CHOSE to find thanks --- that the saucer matches the teacup i use most often... and that i know even though babies and work have come between us in the years...

our friendship can be picked up and dusted off right where we left off... and it is not as fragile as a teacup on a tile floor

***THEN***


***NOW***

she was so happy here

i wish i could post the pictures...

i am working on LAST year's scrapbook and just finished through June 2012...

as i preview it before ordering it (i'm a loyal company of shutterfly/mixbook companies) one thing hits me...

she had  has an awesome smile...

she was so happy here...

and while it is a dull ache in my heart as i see her picture over and over... i can rest in that... in what could have been a suckIER situation... she was happy and loved... and she will know that somewhere in the corners of her heart even if we never see her again...

blond piggytails bouncing throughout the book and that smile with the chipped tooth in the front...

Still here...

All is quiet. Only call for respite in a while was when we were out of town. Did get a call seeing if we wanted to pick up a newborn. If it was midJune may have said yes.

Waiting game different this time. Excited but know how much work it is.

i've learned

found this buried in my drafts pile... realized i never finished it... what i learned by being their momma...


in the past 16 18 months i have learned alot...

i have learned that an infant in the house is tiring even when you haven't given birth

i have learned that 3 is more than 3x's as hard

i have learned what it means to be pulled to my knees in prayer for someone i don't even like - but desperate for GOD to work in their life

i have learned that my lap (and heart) fits three squirmy children

i have learned my sweet boy can be a sweet big brother

i have learned that little girls are super sweet... and super sassy

i have learned that knowing they were leaving made every moment so sweet and sad

i have learned the fear of sweet baby learning to say momma... praying he wouldn't

i have learned the grief of having him pat my face and look into it with such trust knowing his little world was about to be rocked

i have learned to grieve publicly and privately

i have learned that few understand

i have learned that my friends and family grieve with us

i have learned rage at hearing some dismiss my big boy's grief because he really is just an "only child" - as if he was never their brother

i have learned to look at their pictures around the house and think of sweet moments... and hold to the joy... not as many tears...

i have learned to trust GOD in what he is doing...

i have learned to function without them... but miss them to the bone every day...

motivated to procrastinate

have been trying to figure out why i am so bleepin' unmotivated to finish up my scrapbook for 2012...

realize when i do...

there will be no more pictures of the bears...

it'll really be over...

gut-check

good grief i miss them...

missing them.... still

happy birthday brother bear... 6 yrs old... sweet as honey!

praying for him more than usual <3 p="p">

intentions...

intentions... good or bad... are just that...

intentions

it is action we are called to

i have had plenty of time for reflection lately in our quiet(er) house

a fresh new year as things are finally calming down (trying not to panic that all is well...)

what are my intentions this year...

to keep a cleaner home so that i can have folks just drop by

to be more purposeful with my lil' bee who is growing faster than i am ready for...

to be a more loving and patient wife...

to be a better friend to my oldest of friends and to my not-so-new friends as well...

to be intentional in my actions whatever they are... and be joyful in the results whatever they may be...

what's that sound??? oh yeah... babies!!!!

we are officially in the game again... but respite only for now...

our first respite has been typically hectic...

call (a week in advance - woohoo) for a little boy 22 mos, for 4 days - to be dropped off on thurs after daycare and picked up on Sunday after church...

then the well-greased (ha) machine creaked... in talking w/ his foster mom on the phone, she casually mentions she has a SECOND foster babe (she was confused why we weren't even asked about keeping her - i was confused too - but figured an easy re-entry would be best)

then a sputter... called on weds night... little boy has... wait for it... pink eye... (uggghhhh) foster mom caught it fast - he is medicated and won't be contagious by the time he comes to us... BUT - no daycare due to the pink eye meds not kicking in until noonish... sure - we'll take him noonish (rather than 5ish)...

sigh

then cough cough sputter... almost a stall... call thurs morn, the OTHER respite caregiver is on her way to the ER --- can we take little girl too??? just one year old... (no they aren't biological sibs)...

at this point a laughed - stopped the case worker half way through her starting to ask... looked at hubby chef and said "Guess what???" he said "Getting them both???"

yup...

***we COULD HAVE said no at each call, but as a foster mom i know what that means - that family is out of luck - either babes go to SHELTER - or they cancel their plans... their much needed break***

2 sweet little ones - sort of chill in comparison to Momma Bear - the whirling dervish of 2-3 year olds....

it has been easier than expected... house is cleaned for first time... honestly ever - it's organized clean... i have had an activity or two for them each day (yesterday swinging for hours, today homemade chalk paint that entertained little boy for a good hour or so...)

his pink eye is not pink at all - amazed that she caught it (thank the LORD).... hoping all my children are well tomorrow and we will entertain them the first half of the day with a trip to the museum...

thinking these two cute quiet children are such a temptation to dive back in head first... but i know that it will be nice to go back to the quiet again... the ability to relax, to not plan days around naps... but it has been awesome to feel the sweet baby pats on my face, the running up and digging face into my lap... the beauty of babies...

sweet relief

realize i never updated...

we saw them... saturday before christmas

we played elves for santa... hid stuff in their daddy's room (with his permission) for Christmas morning...

we spoiled them... wish we could have seen it...

i hugged and kissed and took video of baby bear running around

momma bear hugged me and literally laid on me on the couch for 10-15 minutes

at first she wasn't too sure of chef hubby... but then warmed up after opening her foofa doll.

was so glad bee could see them one more time.

he snuggled with baby bear and loved every second of it! baby bear wasn't so sure at first... after 2 months (to the day!) i think he was confused... happy... but confused...

have had some phone contact since, but i can handle it now if that was it... thinking i will send texts on birthdays... thinking if i can get agency permission - mail presents (sent from their address)?

we'll see.