an analogy

i think i have decided the best thing to compare my current emotional state is a recent empty nester...

while my nest is not empty (busy bee will always be here) - i feel peaceful with them being where they are - but miss them like crazy --- i get giddy from the picture texts and random phone calls... but at times relieved by my newly freed schedule and less day-to-day grind and worry

one week

it has been a week since i have tucked her babies into bed and gave them a kiss good night...

it has been a week since i read them their bedtime story and snuggled with them after their bath...

i can't believe it...

it's been harder and easier than i thought... i miss them...

re-entry approaching

tomorrow i go to work for the first time since the kids went home...

it will be odd...

holidays

holidays kinda suck when you are down 2 babies...

i love the season but everywhere i turn i see cute dresses, outfits for sibling sets, etc....

how it all went down

found out Thursday at the staffing that the kids would just stay after visitation (no call on Wednesday as had been promised - not surprised)

took the day off of work so we could pack the kids up and take them to mommyanddaddy's.

drove by their daycare to drop off flowers and say thank you.

we have been so blessed to have an AWESOME daycare that takes the ELC funding... except for one odd exception - we and the kids have been treated with such respect and love.

momma bear's teacher will probably have the hardest time with this whole adjustment (outside the family)

almost every teacher came to say goodbye. baby bear had been one of the first babies they had since opening a baby room... so he had a special place in their hearts. momma bear's personality is so big and bubbly and want to help that she had become quite popular as well....

we drove the kids to their parents and did a fast drop off... hugs hugs and gone....

mom reminding me we can call ANYTIME to check on the babes...

have gotten texts everyday - and even a call checking on us... picture texts came through (still don't know how that happened - but so happy)

this weekend has been full of shopping and birthday parties - it didn't seem too different from a visit weekend. until sunday night... and then this morning... getting ONE ready for school...

still on funky time... hubs and i going to court to hear the official ruling on reunification (and sneak a peak, sniff and hug from the babes)...

tomorrow i have taken off of work for some me time...

wednesday will be full force back to our new normal schedule...

i can only imagine how awkward work will be... friends at church on sunday giving us the smile and nod, telling us we are in their prayers - the right things... but still so odd...

they are home...

more details later...

but we have gone from a household of 5 to a household of 3...

so odd...

failure to communicate - AGAIN

warning - rant -

soooo --- ever wonder why there aren't MORE foster parents who do several placements???? b/c they get tired of getting SCREWED by the caseworker...

the caseworker has NOT called me back

why am i stressed??? because via a phone conversation w/ biodaddy (if you are a foster parent - you need to check out google voice - free confidential number) led me to a piece of important info...

forget WAITING until court to transfer the kids - they will just stay after visit an extra day.

in other words they will (most likely) be LEAVING for good in less than 48 hours

case worker still hasn't told me - i called him and he said he had to talk to the legal team - but it was HIS idea and HE was trying to get it to work... but did NOT tell me.

ugh ugh ugh

she has no idea

momma bear has been so excited to go live with her mommy and daddy ---

but i don't think she gets how much will change...

new school - new friends - new church

driving home from their daycare she was in the back saying "auntie auntie... i want ashee, i want gamma, i want poppa"

my eyes filled with tears and i fought hard to keep the car between the yellow lines...

"ok baby --- auntie will call.... maybe they'll come to dinner tomorrow"

they will...

but how many more times will they get to see them...

we are hoping to see them again after they go home - but will my family - my friends who are like family? maybe but not very likely....

last night i was overcome with sadness (blame that song by taylor swift) --- but i spent a good hour just steadily crying... not the ugly cry --- but tears pouring as i did my end of night chores... and since, it's been more and more...

every hug is savored every kiss every moment (even in the midst of some fits and such - adjustments are so hard for these small ones)

----sadsadsad----- happy for them

on a positive note

the trip to the parents had MUCH more positive --- and really even dad's eagerness to have kids come home should be seen as a positive...

POSITIVES:
* certain supervision provisions were OBVIOUSLY in place (whew!)
* kids had been crafting it up over the weekend - their mommy proudly showing off the art they had just done (realized later b/c we had sent the supplies :))
*cute little old school chairs being decaupauged with things the kids love and their names...
* all the art i sent about 6 months ago was hung up all over mommabear's room... HE had saved it!
* tons of pictures in frames - frames i sent, frames i didn't send - but all over i could see photographs that i had sent being honored and respected --- and from the beginning of their time with us showing me they've been held onto
* cupcakes proudly made and offered - at first i thought cute and sweet - my husband saw that they had payed attention to how much a certain lil' girl loves to cook --- that meant the most to him...
* a brand new baby kitten --- baby bear loves our cat and dog - warmed my heart to know he will have a pet...
* their daddy being so grateful for the van full of their belongings and continually thanking me for loving his kids and telling me that they want us to stay involved ---- i know that could change --- but for now i have that to hold onto...
*momma bear not wanting to leave... she really wants to be home with them --- happysad
* a clean house full of love with a big yard for them to play
*watching their daddy run up and down the street after brother bear on his bike... seeing a proud daddy and something i haven't seen in him before...

i think they're going to make it... i pray they do --- but now --- i really think they can do it...

happyhappysadhappy

random moments that hit hard

folding laundry... realizing i will either see them where it once more --- or be packing it...

sniffing clean baby after bath...

so they'll be at court right?

had a great experience picking up the kids from their parents today ---- a lot of positive things happened... will post later

the only hiccup for me was one thing...

daddy asking what to expect at court (don't even get me started on how the lawyers drop the ball there in my opinion - i SWEAR they only see their clients in court)...

he then asked if we would have the kids there at court - if they would come home right away --- asked like an excited little boy waiting for Christmas morning...

i said i didn't know - that the case worker told me that it would happen by the end of that week (didn't include the part where caseworker said if parents INSIST it could be at court that day)

sad heart --- on one hand it would be good b/c it would be DONE... on the other it's my mommy's bday and would love the kids to spend time with her one more time on that day (we don't see them during the weekend b/c of visitation) that and one of my closest friends - who has loved on the babies more than anything.... will be out of town for the next 2 weeks - will come back the day after court... she has said her sort of goodbyes - but praying she will get one more hug...

will know more on the final staffing i attend the thursday before court...

2 more weeks and it might be done....

So how are you doing???

with reunification close to happening ----- i get this question often

better and worse than i thought...

not a complete mess all the time but sad.... just sad... alot.... almost all the time... and grouchy

i want to soak in every moment with my babies.... but at the same time i absolutely cannot stand momma bear...

like a typical almost 3 year old she is confused... so f*&*ng confused.

she gets home from her weekend visit and pushes me away - won't snuggle or hug... she doesn't want to play with me

but within 24 hours when i get her out of bed she is hugging me so tight --- and then within an hour she ends up pushing me away again... it's hard it's so hurtful - it's exhausting

just before getting in the car most mornings i have to fuss at her for something --- so most drives to drop her and baby bear of at daycare - she screams and cries the WHOLE way... HALF AN HOUR

packing up their stuff is good b/c it gets me ready and gets stuff out of the house - but is so depressing...

sometimes i feel as if this is more than i can take --- but i know HE is using this to bring me closer to HIM - couldn't do it otherwise