Tuesday, November 23, 2010

One of those Dreams

Last night I had one of those dreams. You know... one of those dreams that makes you go oh, I didn't realize that about myself.

There were a bunch of marching band references, but those weren't important. In the dream I was trying to get to somewhere, I needed to leave and go with my friends. I went to ride with friends and they left me and took my phone (it wasn't mean, it just happened that way). In my dream I wasn't angry with them, I think it was a big miscommunication thing.

But there it was, my friends were ahead of me, I was stranded in a HUGE town (think funky cross between Las Vegas and Orlando), and I had somewhere important to be.

All I could think was how scared, worried, and upset I was. I need to do something important, but I had no phone, NO DIRECTIONS, and MY FRIENDS COULDN'T HELP ME.

I was lost and alone with no clear directions.

Gee.... could this maybe be a not so hidden reflection on my feelings on starting foster care classes in January?

No directions, no clear path, and none of my real-life friends can help me... because none have been down this path!

Sunday, November 21, 2010

He hears

Yesterday,  I went shopping with my sister. We hit Old Navy and I humored myself and looked around at baby stuff. I was thinking how cute a particular onesie was... it had something to do with loving mommy (not quite this one, but this idea).

All of a sudden a tidal wave of grief overwhelmed me... would we put shirts like this on our next child??? As a foster parent, do we have our kids' rock these outfits? Would this shirt above mean the child was MY favorite gift or the birthmother's? Then the implications of not having one's child at the holidays... even if through their own shortfallings...

I was overwhelmed in that moment and practically ran from the infant section. My heart breaking and eyes wet. My sweet sissy came out of the dressing room and I shortly told her I was having a moment and why, and we left the store after quickly making our purchases.

I came home to our crib being delivered by our sweet friend and was able to put that moment out of my mind.

Later I was surfing the web and stumbled on a foster parent forum and some foster parent articles. I read an article (found here http://foster-care.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/why-do-your-foster-children-call-you-mom).

I had to stop and read it, this paragraph was as if God was whispering to my bruised heart.

When that child leaves us they know that we love them. Whether a month or a year, you have made a huge difference in their life. Most of these children have never seen or been part a normal family. To call you Mom and Dad gives them a sense of belonging, security, peace, being loved, part of a family, and acceptance.

I also read the comments, this comment was a continuation of God showing me he had seen my pain

thmccarty says:

December 13, 2006 at 9:18 pm

I am an adult foster/adoptee. I called all of my foster parents mom and dad. It made it easier on me. I felt like I belonged to that family even if it was for a short while
So while I haven't decided about the shirts, the truth is, it doesn't matter. I will be their momma and my hubby their daddy, even if it is not forever.

Friday, November 19, 2010

2 questions answered

So! I didn't get the OFFICIAL schedule, but did get some information today.

I had sworn I would wait a week... but was going absolutely nutty waiting to hear back from the agency about the schedule.

So I called today, and... for some reason she didn't get the email! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA... I must have mistyped the email address.

I got the answers to my 2 top pre-class questions.

1. I can train with the agency that I want to train w/ even though my dad is on the board (whew b/c it's THE ONLY agency for area!)

2. She confirmed that we can start our training in January and be certified by May! She said as soon as we are certified, we will most likely starting calls!!!!!!!

The only bummer is that instead of being in just the next town - down the street from my parents, it's 1/2 an hour away :(. Luckily it's the same direction of my parents, but will add time to the whole journey on those nights, which will cause more time away from Bee. It'll be over a half our drive each way. She didn't tell me which night it will be, sort of stressful because we have "things" every night and I want to start preparing what we will drop.

When the classes were held near my parents they were Thursday nights, BUT, I think the ones at the "other" location are on Wednesday nights. I wonder if the classes are not in the area b/c they can't get a location - if that is the case - I may ask around to see if we can find a place (ahem ahem) (church folks) :).

I am amazed at how my mood has immediately improved! That and my gorgeous Bee got 5 GREEN CARDS this week. First time this year, and he has been in class since August. Finally! So happy. We are so excited because he has been struggling with his behavior and this is real progress.

Monday, November 15, 2010

a teeny tiny step

Emailed the head of the foster program yesterday

I asked for information for the next class --- i stated that we are hoping to accept our first placement in May.

Also, I asked if there would be any issues with the fact that I am the child of one of the Founding Board members. I wanted to be sure that it wouldn't become an issue of accused nepotism later on down the road.

I had really hoped that I would hear back quickly. No information so far. My parent has said that it wouldn't be an issue --- but I want to hear it from the officials.

It's not quite like peeing on the stick, but I feel like I am on a long ride to buy the stick.

I'm nervous they will tell me that I can't train through the group that I want to train with because of my family's history of working with the organization. I am nervous that they'll tell me that we should've started months ago and we won't get a placement in May (or at all during the summer). I am nervous will get through the training and they'll find some reason to tell us we don't qualify. I am nervous that Bee will not adjust to new children in our home. I am nervous I won't adjust to more kids. I am nervous that our hearts will be broken time and time again as children are in and out of our home. I am nervous... I just want to start this process. We have prayed about this for 4 years.

When I woke up after Bee's birth, we both knew exactly what our next step would be. I feel like we have been on pause for a few years and it's driving me bonkers!

Friday, November 12, 2010

6 months away...

God has truly blessed me with friends as I walk through this crazy time as a foster-parent-to-be.

Our plan is to take classes in January. Our best estimate is that we could have kids join us in May.


This path is so different that having had a biological child. At this point in a pregnancy - you shout it from the roof tops, you start getting stuff, it starts to feel almost safe - your past the scary first trimester.

We, however, are still quiet. Only our closest friends and family really know how close we are. It's not that I won't talk about it with those who ask, but it isn't a process easy to talk about. We don't do crazy facebook posts, etc.

One of my closest friends breathed the blessings of God into our life today. She found out her crib (which she is done with) has been recalled (as probably has ours). She is the much more organized type, and since she was breaking it down anyway - she got the info together and sent in for the recall voucher - and took me crib shopping!!!!

It has turned out better than if we used our old crib. We had a normal drop down crib --- with her voucher I was able to get a transitional crib (great for baby or toddler!)

This is the first thing we have officially purchased for our peanuts! Bee was excited and had hoped I would bring it home and was bummed when I told him it would be a few weeks.

Starting to feel like it is really going to happen!

Wednesday, November 10, 2010


Really thought that I would be able to spot racism.

I had thought the racism in my family was limited more towards the older men.

Today on facebook I saw this post from a close relative younger than myself...

Minorities, can't live with them. Can't live with them. No, really you can't live a fulfilling life with them around.

I sent him a quick message - reminding him that there is a chance that my next child could be a minority. I reminded him half his posts are about Jesus. He is an intense Christian. These things don't mesh.

I am heartbroken, confused, and not sure what this means for our relationship down the road. I have a feeling it'll mean less and less contact. If he can't see the error of his way I have no choice. I will not expose my children to such ignorance.

Very sad.

Monday, November 8, 2010

shopping therapy

sooo... there are all these cute shirts, etc. for pregnant mommies and even for adoptive mommies.... not much for foster mommies to be.

i know it's stupid... but it's a little different when one is a foster parent rather than an adoptive parent. the stability of the situation is a bit different. we cannot brag about it (not in the bragging ooo look what we did kind of way) but look at my cool kid and aren't we excited that we are adding to our family! and there's the whole thing that you don't out your foster kids as foster kids...

there are so many things we should be doing to get ready for the process...

getting the house truly clean and organized, etc.

but instead all i want to do is hunt around on etsy and other random sites for cute stuff... that i know doesn't exist and if it did i probably couldn't really wear anyway.

i did find one thing though... and think my hubby may actually get me for christmas...

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Small things

It's funny... life is made up of the small things... they can make days great, or not so great.

Today I've been exhausted and slammed by the small things. I felt overwhelmed by a bunch of little things that on their own wouldn't be such a big deal, but layered on top of one another start to add up. I was feeling weepy and ready to snap.

I realized on my way home (late w/ people waiting to meet up with me) that I was letting the small things overcome me. My prayer group has discussed several times about how "the devil's in the details" is more than an overused phrase, it's the truth. Satan often uses the small silly things in life to weigh us down and keep us from shining the light.

As I was thinking this I realized I was behind 2 school buses, trying to make a light just over a railroad track. I felt my stomach knot. I don't know about other states, but in Florida.. school buses have to stop and open their doors and listen for a train at tracks. There was no way I was going to make the light and I would be at least 5 minutes LATER to my house for prayer group. I reminded myself it was just a light - I shouldn't let myself be overcome by the little things.

And then - somehow I made the light with time to spare. And that's when I remembered... God shows us His love and light in the little things too.

So today... I'm thankful for making the light.