It's not just about "getting a kid"

This weekend something interesting happened. We were informed of a girl who is pregnant and not planning on keeping the child. The child is due around the time we are hoping to bring in foster children. We were "offered" the child. This is not the first time we were told about a child who is available for adoption.

It is hard for most people to understand. YES we would like to eventually add a child permanently to our family. I don't even want to say it is not our main goal... but foster care is the way we want to  must go. This is a calling so loud and clear. This weekend I didn't just say this but knew this deep in my soul.

God has a plan for us - it's different, it's crazy, and from the outside it may seem foolish to open our family open to the hurt that could come from the unknown.

I am scared. I am scared that a gorgeous baby (or two) will enter our home and I will fall in love. I am afraid that my son will fall in love. I am afraid that after we all fall in love with "Peanut" and we will lose them (him/her).

I am more afraid to my core that there will be beautiful children out in the foster world without families to care for them for the time they are in the system. They won't be loved as if they are family. They won't be cuddled and tickled and tucked in and kissed silly.

I am sickeningly terrified to imagine the things that my Peanut is possibly having to endure.

I have no sweet imaginings of random orphans falling into foster care. I worked at a children's shelter and saw the scars... physical and emotional first hand. I saw and heard of stories that I cannot dwell on or I begin to doubt all humanity for the cruelty that we can impart on our children. The sacred duty of motherhood and fatherhood and how some people fail their children in such unimaginable ways.

I know that their children available for adoption in easier ways that are less scary and risky. But they aren't my children.

MY child is suffering. MY child(ren) may only be with me for a short while. We will shine into their life hope, peace, and love. We will love them heart and soul.

The process of bringing MY children into our family will be painful, scary, and at times may make me feel like I am going to die.

It will be it's own form of labor.

But they will be MY children.

It's not about "getting a kid". It's about finding my children.