Sunday, October 17, 2010

In the back of the closet...

In the back of my son's closet is a little blue striped dress.

I bought it a year before he was even conceived at a street fair in New York City.

I have kept it even after he was born and I knew I would never again carry a child.

I have caught myself looking at it more and more lately.

It is a symbol of the hopes and dreams I had.

There are new hopes and dreams.

Someday we may have a little girl in our life who wears the cute blue striped appliqued dress.

As the time draws nearer for us to begin our foster classes (3 months and counting), I find myself growing nervous and anxious.

Wondering about the future.

I wonder if anyone (who I can say is mine) will wear that dress.

What is in the back of your closet... what dreams are you still holding onto???


  1. FOr a long time it was hiking boots:) Then I figured I'll just get new ones if I ever get to move to the mountains:)
    Seriously though, I think most of us have hopes and dreams in the back of our minds. Some we dare not think about or dwell on for fear that it will over take us.
    I'm excited that now you can take the dress out and look at it and instead of feeling intense pain--there is hope and excitement for the future.

  2. I came to your blog through Rage Against the Minivan. Thank you for sharing your story.

    We are foster parents and I can relate to many times of waiting & wondering & anxiousness. I can tell you each kid we have welcomed into our home has been worth it.

  3. I came here from RATM. I wanted to tell you I was so glad to see you write what you did about people saying that God can work miracles with having babies. I know people don't mean to be cruel but it is cruel and it hurts. I'm glad you wrote that.

    My husband and I will probably never have a biological child. It would require a lot of doctors being all up in my lady bits and I have zero interest in that. It would require putting all of my reproductive hope in modern medicine, which I'm also not interested in. We've adopted two wonderful daughters and we're in the process of adopting our two sons. My children, all four of them, are the most amazing gifts I have ever been given.

    But in a box in the basement there are five little things, baby slippers and a onesie and some pajamas, that are newborn size. We've never had a newborn in our home. We aren't interested in newborn adoption, so we likely never will.

    Yet I still hold out hope that our fifth child, the one who will complete our family, will be a miraculous pregnancy and birth. I'm not foolish, I know the chances are almost impossible, but I still hope.