warning - thoughts processing

i know God in His providence understands His timing.

it's been a while since i've posted - lots of things have happened

in the midst of B's birthday and the anniversary of my hysterectomy and my 2nd chance at life - the loss of life has surrounded me

i know this is God at work in the huge symphony of life. i am not the only person who was touched by these people (even if only through a common friend). HIS timing is not directed JUST for me and my life, there are hundreds of others - but in 1 week - during the time I would have been in the hospital 4 years ago... I was surrounded by loss...

quick synopsis -

1. my grandparents best friend passed away @ 90+ years of age - sad, but not surprising or life shattering

2. one of my prayer partner friends lost her college bff (in her 30s?) - surprising, my heart breaks for my friend, and i grieved for her loss...

then... close to the heart, sudden, still in shock
3. my aunt b - 43 years and 8 days old - went to get her driver's license, got her picture taken, sat down and had a brain aneurism, taken to hospital - airlifted to second hospital... less than 12 hours from start to finish and she was gone

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my thoughts are everywhere - but one has cropped up as i was thinking about blogging and the name of my blog.

shadow of grief --- sometimes the shadow is barely there, midday - sometimes it's long (late afternoon early morning) - that is not a new thought - the new thought - sometimes my shadow is engulfed in the shadows of the world (dusk/dawn).

even in the grief of my aunt's passing - the grief of my own loss reared it's ugly head. it's shadow merged with the grief of lossing her, of the grief i had seen my friend go through, the grief of my grandparents, the grief of my cousins and my family - a huge shadow of grief... shared with so many that the lines seperating the individual shadows were completely blurred and lost

what has torn me up (mostly) is that she has left her kids behind. as a mom - it hurts. i know she was saved - she loved the lord and had such faith. i know she is in a better place, i am amazed at her daughter's strength in her faith (and her faith in the faith of her mom) - but i think of how much it kills to see her kids grieving her... and i can't help but think of what if i had left B.

how much i would have missed - how much she is going to miss....