baby showers

went to an absolutely beautiful baby shower today, wasn't as apprehensive about it as usual.

i got a little nervous on the way b/c i started thinking about how sometimes women start exchanging war stories about whose delivery was "worse"

thankfully - none of that happened...

i did talk w/ the momma to be (not sure if she knows my hysterectomy story) she mentioned how she didn't want to "see" her birth (totally with her there) and that she would be happy as long as they put the baby on her belly after the birth.

i had to smile because i know how unlikely it is for the birth to be perfect. i just said, no matter how good or bad the birthing experience is it's worth it. i remember thinking a c-section would be THE WORST thing to happen --- oh if i had only known :)

i did get the wind knocked out of me by one thing... they played the ultrasound video in the background at the beginning of the shower - ouch. it hurt more than i would expect. i felt so petty, i just couldn't watch it. i am happy for them, but it was a bit like being sucker punched. they had music set to it, one of the songs i love to sing along to with B (Baby Mine by Allison Krauss). i watched a little and then stood so that i couldn't see the screen. if i watched much more i would cry - and not the sweet sentimental kind. it sucks - i def did better this time than at any other shower - but there are still times that it all comes out of nowhere.

i will never have another ultrasound, will never again hear my unborn child's heartbeat, will never have months to prepare for a child knowing the age and gender... true we could do surrogacy, we could do an adoption where we would find these things out ahead. i truly feel GOD has called us to foster - but i still catch myself grieving the "traditional" way of growing a family