broken family broken hearts...

for an hour or so today we seriously considered bringing brother bear into our home...

"failed" placement

sigh...

prayed hard, looked into buying a minivan...

even called the case worker and said we were thinking about it

couldn't do it

bee reminded us how important it is for him to have his own room by having a gianormous fit... over something unrelated...

to bring in big brother would break our #1 rule. bee gets his own room, a sanctuary. if we had a room i think it would have happened.

my heart is breaking...

praying he gets a placement in our county... a family who will work with us for visitation (current family seems overloaded w/ special needs etc)

in t-r-o-u-b-l-e

i said i would post why we are "in trouble"... it's not the oh no TROUBLE trouble, but the we love the kids so much i already miss them and want to cry a little kind of trouble.

it'll be a month this coming saturday since they've moved in.

they "fit"... she lights up when she sees me or chef hubby. bee is heads over heals in love with his new baby "brover". he wants to hold him and help feed him. i love snuggling w/ baby bear and he is starting to coo and smile... sweet sights and sound from such a little guy

don't get me wrong it's not all moonlight and roses, she tantrums at nap time... ripped a hole in the bed tent one time (fixed). she jumps off of everything... and likes to wake up right as baby bear is finishing his early morning feeding and drifting off to sleep... refusing to nap ugh ugh ugh... likes to tell us no, throws food everywhere...a typical almost 2 yr old learning boundaries...

but she fits us... they don't feel like relatives visiting... (i try to imagine our foster kids as family visiting... gives the close feeling and bonding but when they leave not the same bone numbing shock as if you lost your child) they feel like they belong here. when brother bear came, i felt like telling the cw, we'll take him - go pack up his stuff... we'll find a spot!

so... like i said we are in trouble... but good... we will keep loving on them hard... and we have faith, friends and family who will help put as back together and pull us back together when they leave...

sigh

bears go on a picnic (aka visitation)

the sweet quiet of the house with only bee in it...

the sting of guilt for splitting up a sibling set.

miss k came to pick up the bears to go visit w/ daddy... and had brother bear with her. he's so cute. so sweet... reminding myself he was on best behavior.

he lit up when he saw his sibs.

he must miss them.

when i spoke w/ the cw yesterday about getting the kids together she said the other foster family said he doesn't talk about them - so he must not miss them. UGH. seriously?!?!?... maybe it's too hard for him to talk about his family he has been torn from.

she saw today how much he loves his sibs first hand in our house today. i reminded her that i will do whatever we can to get the kids together. that if someone else gets him to our house we can do a playdate. we will even do respite IF he can sleep in the same room w/ momma bear.

it sounds like brother bear's foster folk have alot on their plate (will not mention here - but very valid overload stuff)... not as interested in setting up time for the kids. cw did admit that it is the policy to be sure the kids get together...

she asked us w/ a very confused look on our face - why didn't you take all of them???? i said it was hard, but we know our limitations. we would then have FOUR KIDS - infant, toddler, 4 yr old and 5 yr old. ummm.... also - we don't put foster kids in our bio son's room so that he can have a sanctuary (esp when kids LEAVE). oh yeah... and our car is FULL. we literally cannot put another child in the car. i have a feeling if we had a minivan right now we would be discussing it seriously. hubby and i are already talking about if they became adoptable... which is another rule we've broken.... mentioning the A word... that we would pray and seriously consider bringing in big bro.

blunt reminder

no matter how much we love these little bears....

they are NOT OURS

we've been playing and goofing around, taking trips going to disney... having people tell us how cute our kids are..

got a call tonight that they will go to visit dad tomorrow.

details that are bubbling in my chest that i can't divulge...

i hope and pray they are able to be reunified. but i feel my prayers are half-hearted.

hoping tomorrow goes well... hoping the little bears get to see brother bear... hoping that a GAL (guardian ad litem) gets appointed that will push for sibling visits more often.

what is especially hard is that our little bee is heads over heels in love with baby bear... constantly tells us how much he loves him and that "he says big brover and hi to me"...

praying for strength, guidance, and a good visit

246 - 265 thankful

246. family tradition - timeshare sharing in Sebastian

247. offers for a free replacement brown dog... and a promise they will hold onto it if needed once he was found

248. new case worker... Miss K, seems much more relaxed than mr. e was... very chill about us taking the bears to sebastian or wherever else ins tate

249. surprises for my big boy

250. tickets to NKOTBSB concert... recieved for my birthday

251. relatives who work for disney! (free admission baby!)

252. hubby who can handle 2 under 2 on his own for 2 days!

253. sister to drive me and bee to the train

254. train tickets being cheaper than driving to orlando and back!

255. excitement of bee for his first train ride

256. fire fighter friends

257. daycare recently opening an infant room (whew!)

258. screened in babyseat

259. family lovin' on my bears

260. chance for my soccer lovin' hubby to watch women's world cup w/ a girl of his own (for now)

261. my son becoming more comfortable in the water

262. fun parks

263. science exploration

264. carousels

265. old friends walking down memory lane

the lost is found

ahhhh.... all is well... at least on the brown dog side of things....  this sucker is never leaving the house again... love that boy  --- love that smile!

feeling failure in the little things

i know i'm a good momma...

but sometimes it takes something small to make you feel like a complete failure.

my son bee has a little stuffed dog... imaginatively named brown dog...

here's brown dog hitching a ride recently (so glad i snapped this shot)

well... brown dog has gone seriously missing... as in i was a schmo and let bee take him to the family time share in sebastian

**1st rule broken - let the durn dog leave the house!

i even ignored the little voice that said "hey! don't let that thing out of the house" but i figured i was being over-protective... sigh

then momma bear kept messing w/ it when we were at the time share and i fussed at bee to put it away in a safe place.

at one point my boy cousins were taking out the garbage and i thought... i should stop them and look through the garbage - sigh...

i have a sneaking suspension momma bear may have thrown in in the garbage and it is long gone... it breaks my heart

i know it's just a stupid stuffed dog, but it's his baby... when he is upset it's what comforts him...

when bubba left, when baby frog died... he cried and cuddled w/ brown dog...

i feel like i've failed him, i can't stop thinking about it... doubt i will get any sleep tonight - the family is packing up the time share tomorrow and if it will be found - that is when. i'm actually nauseaus

i've looked it up on the internet - $95... can't do that... don't know if i want to buy/get a replacement anyway - part of me does b/c of how much bee loves brown dog, but don't know what that teaches him about keeping track of belongings and/or what it teaches about "replacing" what we love by buying things

praying he is found...