hippity hoppity

prepping my big boy's basket tonight and getting a bit reminiscent...

this time last year, i was prepping 3 lil' kid baskets...

that will never be again (we will NOT do 3 again)...

missing the babies tons...

the package we sent them should have arrived today... no word...

praying they are fine...

over?

sent another text today (thinking MAYBE their phones had been turned off - wanted to give them the chance)

low key - hey we'll be in the neighborhood - can we come by...

still no word...

thinking it's really over... but the last time i thought that - we got to see them...

more at peace with it b/c the last time we saw my sweet babes - i soaked it in --- looked in their faces and thought that it could be it...

we got to give them christmas gifts... going to mail a small package of clothes i bought...

figure we will still send postcards occasionally...

whether or not they ever contact us - i still love them...

sigh...

betrayal?

i have my screen set on my phone...

it's me and her...

i can't bring myself to change the picture...

but some day there will be a new baby...

feel like it's betrayal to take her picture off

the weird things of foster care!

no word

2 weeks ago i texted...

they said we could always stop by whenever...

but now no word...

had offered to stop by this Saturday to see the babes --- maybe drop off some easter bunny gifts...

no word...

a few days later before hitting a big sale... texted for sizes...

silence...

still no word...

last time they spontaneously texted us was in january...

last picture sent... was in december...

so much for the promise we could stick around...

praying they are well... praying they remember us and our love but don't feel as if we've abandoned them...

missing them in the quiet times...

snooping around

couldn't resist --- snooped around on some social media sites... know a few names of friends etc... stumbled across happy smiling pix of the kids taken just this week...

relief in seeing many of the things we purchased for them in the pictures or in the background... had been warned they could pawn them.... they haven't

four months have passed and it feels like yesterday... and years ago our house was full of noise...

glad my snoopiness paid off in positives...

she was so happy here

i wish i could post the pictures...

i am working on LAST year's scrapbook and just finished through June 2012...

as i preview it before ordering it (i'm a loyal company of shutterfly/mixbook companies) one thing hits me...

she had  has an awesome smile...

she was so happy here...

and while it is a dull ache in my heart as i see her picture over and over... i can rest in that... in what could have been a suckIER situation... she was happy and loved... and she will know that somewhere in the corners of her heart even if we never see her again...

blond piggytails bouncing throughout the book and that smile with the chipped tooth in the front...

motivated to procrastinate

have been trying to figure out why i am so bleepin' unmotivated to finish up my scrapbook for 2012...

realize when i do...

there will be no more pictures of the bears...

it'll really be over...

gut-check

good grief i miss them...

missing them.... still

happy birthday brother bear... 6 yrs old... sweet as honey!

praying for him more than usual <3 p="p">

crrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreak

maybe the door hasn't slammed shut....

might see babies on saturday....

had great convo w/ biodad....

I texted

I caved. Friday watching news and having my heart break I texted. Just a short text. "Watching news. Sending kids extra hugs". No response. Why are they shutting us out now?????

i will not text

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slammed doors

i am not one for subtlety

i am not one to catch a hint

HE knows this

doors do not shut on opportunities they SLAM shut

if i had been in the never never land of secondary infertility i would have tons of excuses continually to ever start fostering - so, GOD slammed the door shut on my being able to birth a second child the old fashioned way....

i think we are having another door slammed...

the door to the bears....

since the random getting to see them - no texts... no pictures... i called to set up the visit - and it fell through...

praying i get to see them for a few moments the saturday before christmas so i can give the family their gifts... and to soak the sight of them in just one... more... time

praying my boy can see them again... have told them that we MIGHT get to see them but that parents could change their minds... now that i think the parents have changed their minds... my heart breaks...

i feel like they have just left all over again... but i can't shake it...

the grief is physical... my stomach constantly hurts... just on this side of nauseous for the past 48 hours since the thought of this door being slammed came to me...

i know that this will be what we need to eventually move forward and make room in our lives and hearts for new children...

but for now... i grieve the loss of the relationship i had so hoped for

Bummed

Hopes were high for a gathering this weekend and as tomorrow gets closer and I hear nothing my hopes sink. Good thing I never told bee. But he keeps asking when he can see baby bear :(

Missing them

On our way to community group we drove by the babies daycare. First time since they left. Just a few tears, missing them more than usual.

No news=good news????????????

Haven't heard from bear parents since Wednesday. 4 days no biggie. But no thanksgiving text. I sent them one. No response to a text on Black Friday (saw a deal on something they need) praying no news is good.

Also feeling guilty about how much I love the peace and quiet and easier travel of 1 child.

CLOUD 9

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh....

better than dark chocolate, better than a good margarita or a glass of red wine.. better than that fabulous feeling right before you drift off to sleep...

holding my sweet little man...

got a surprise phone call today... turns out kids have been sick for a week and parents have been stressed out

mom called asking for help... hard for her

as a precaution - i won't give cash... but asked her what they needed... drove it out... had planned on dropping off stuff at the door and leaving (didn't think they would be home)...

parents called as i was getting ready to leave - they told momma bear that i was there and they wanted me to wait...

she ran up grinning ear to ear - Auntie M Auntie M... big hugs... sweet happy girl...

then their Mommy came around from the van... and he saw me - my sweet baby bear - he practically leaped out of her arms to see me... Mommy smiled at his eagerness... she handed him to me and he snuggled in right to his spot... that spot every small child has on the ones they love... he snuggled in... then perked up - looked at me as if to check it was really me and snuggled in again.

we went inside and i spent 20 minutes hugging babies... sweet momma bear asked after bee...  baby bear even let me sit down as he snuggled on me (usually he would want down if you sat down)... i put him down to see him toddle around... so sweet... he would toddle away and then come back and lay his head on my lap...

then i got out of their hair so kids could do their routines for bedtime...

parents were so awesome - thanking me over and over again... but not in a weird way... just right...

i can't even begin to explain how wonderful i feel - the worry is relieved - also found out some of the info we had was flawed - parents doing well...

so thankful :)

One week

Since I have gotten a picture. 5 days since a text. Worrying

Dollar store

Stopped to pick up school stuff

Somehow everything reminded me of the babies and how they won't be with us for the holidays.

I will respect their choice

Very bummed. Not seeing babies THIS weekend. 3 more weeks. Don't know why. It's cool.

Desperately missing the baby.

How things are different

How are things different?

The time it takes to get in the van with one 6 year old is vastly shorter than the time it takes with 3 children!