HER kids

tomorrow is court - just a status review - nothing will "officially" change

hubby is going, i need to not take more days off work (for all the other days i will have to take off the rest of the school year)

procrastinating writing biomom a note

figured we should... a note to tell her we love HER kids... to let her know that they are being well cared for. a note to hopefully bolster her efforts as she is where she is. a not that i hope will be something to encourage her in the fight so she can get HER kids back.

HER kids HER kids HER kids...

they are HER kids... and they are mine.

it's a surreal task. write the note to show they are having fun and loved... but also a note to help them leave again...

i keep saying WHEN they leave... but it's still an IF.. an IF that still has caseworker asking IF they terminate... would we take HER kids... and make the OURS...

whispering the A-word

we haven't told our family this... just my small group

we got this email a while back from our caseworker

Quick question should the children become available for adoption would you and your husband be interested?

we try not to talk about it

but it's there... the a-word has been spoken

the kids have only been here 3 mos... at least another 9 mos until a serious discussion of tpr

not what i want to think about, not what i want to be worrying about.

i want to be focused 100% on praying for, hoping for reunification...

now like a seed of a weed, the idea is sprouting, taking root... the thought of these cute hands and feet in our life forever...

how to feel

recently in a (new) foster parent support site i joined...

one of the other fostermommas posted...

Someone please tell me how I am supposed to feel. Today was supposed to be J's second visit w/ bio-mom. She didn't show. No one can find her. I feel so bad for J, but part of me thinks this is good...another strike against her. I do NOT feel good about him going back to her, AT ALL. I get the impression that the case manager feels the same. But there is an aunt that is interested,and I am mostly ok with that. Luckily, at 4 months, he really doesn't see the problem.

i relate to this 100%, but not about wanting the strikes.

amazed that i feel so personally insulted when daddy doesn't show

yesterday he showed, for half an hour. he gets 2 hours. apparently there is a policy - if you miss 3 visits, they can take away visitation (hadn't heard that!). By showing for 30 minutes, he keeps his visitation rights. i am glad he keeps his rights, hopes to hades that he follows through! chef hubby is afraid he'll keep up a pattern of 2 no shows and then a minimal effort show.

it's hard to talk to others about how much this saddens us.

many people seem to think we should be happy, because it raises the chance of them being adopted. but i continually think, GOD did not create families originally to be broken. the longer this draws out the longer these kids are separated from one another.

even the impression we get from the cw is that they may end up being adopted...

it is such an odd feeling, this desire to keep them in our lives, coupled with the desire for them to be able to be reunified with their dad

i catch myself starting to think far into the future with them in the picture... and at the same time making plans for when they leave...

such a fractured existence