so they'll be at court right?

had a great experience picking up the kids from their parents today ---- a lot of positive things happened... will post later

the only hiccup for me was one thing...

daddy asking what to expect at court (don't even get me started on how the lawyers drop the ball there in my opinion - i SWEAR they only see their clients in court)...

he then asked if we would have the kids there at court - if they would come home right away --- asked like an excited little boy waiting for Christmas morning...

i said i didn't know - that the case worker told me that it would happen by the end of that week (didn't include the part where caseworker said if parents INSIST it could be at court that day)

sad heart --- on one hand it would be good b/c it would be DONE... on the other it's my mommy's bday and would love the kids to spend time with her one more time on that day (we don't see them during the weekend b/c of visitation) that and one of my closest friends - who has loved on the babies more than anything.... will be out of town for the next 2 weeks - will come back the day after court... she has said her sort of goodbyes - but praying she will get one more hug...

will know more on the final staffing i attend the thursday before court...

2 more weeks and it might be done....

thanks punchbowl...

got a reminder today from punchbowl... "don't forget to plan MOMMA BEAR'S birthday party"

ugh

will need to remember to go and unset those once the babies go home - and unexpected reminder of such times.

i want to plan her party - but still not 100% sure of what our schedule will be like...

and those who know me know i LOVE to plan birthday parties...

throwing together something at the last minute is not my cup of tea...

OH MY GRAVY! that has to be her theme ---- a cup of tea party! she loves playing tea party...

now how to go about it... who to put on the invite list...

do i invite bio fam out here??? do i throw a party there and invite friends???

do i do a party here and not include her bio fam????

reunification so close but so far...

questions questions

staffing

what is a permanency staffing...

well...

it's like an IEP meeting (individualized educational plan) but for the parents.

all interested parties are there (minus lawyers - unless they can all be present)

we had a permanency staffing today...

moving forward to reunification - if daddy hadn't slipped... they would be recommending reunification now

but... he did

we are still moving forward... they will hope seriously look at a new home study... and one of the workers (i think a head case manager type) encouraged parents to bring as much paperwork as possible so she could have all the info...

they are hoping to start overnight visits soon.

speaking of HOME...

GOD's mighty hand shook things up... the previous (icky) home of the parents got flooded during some heavy rains... (which caused court to be cancelled) and now they are in a nice duplex...

how do i know...

i drove the parents home today... (after making sure at least 2 people knew what i was doing).

it's clean, it's nice, it's small...

i can see my babies there... i can see them playing in the yard... i can see them thriving... thankful for that gift.

unexpected admiration

i admire her...

MOMMY...

there were some surprises as i had been warned...

daddy screwed up... again... pretty big... and mommy didn't know...

but she held it together...

i had a vision of myself if it had happened to me... think lil' old southern woman going after bully with her purse... lots of angry words... that would have been me

SHE KEPT CALM...

a report someone else gave... stating they wanted another six to eight months of growth on her part....i almost fell over... she stood strong...

she had to answer her kids questions... and she did... in a way that was semi-honest (not actual lies)... and honoring to the man who had just let them all down...

she had to say good bye to her kids again... put them in my vehicle...

i don't know how she does it...

praying for her continued progress...

hoping for it all to work -

HE will complete that good work HE has begun in her...

co-parenting opportunities

bioparents SHOULD be kept involved...

we had the opportunity to have them attend an eye doctor appointment with our girl.

it was an opportunity to interact outside the boundaries of institutions and court.

it was a chance to see how they parent.

it was a chance for them to see how i parent.

we asked questions of the doctor. all three of us.

we have 3 more appointments next week and 3 more opportunities.

these moments are good for my heart... they are capable... they love her... it's a peek at what will be...

why bother with them???

while it's never quite said that way, when i talk with some people about writing letters to the bio-fam, or setting up routines with the kids that i hope the bio-fam will continue, or the slim potential for staying connected after reunification... there is an underlying implication in some people's responses as to "WHY BOTHER"????

when i mention that the children will most likely be leaving soon... some people react as if it is a travesty of justice... why should they get them back???

sweet people have said things like they must be so grateful and thinking that the biofam must fall over themselves in gratitude... most of the time biofams DON'T... we are lucky in that biomom in particular voices and has written how blessed she feels to have us...

xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

yesterday as my mind wandered in processed in church (re. this post), i was actually listening to the pastor...

the sermon was on Paul and how the man who was the greatest missionary called himself the worst of sinners...

my mind went somewhere else then the pastor intended... but i began to think of how hypocritical we are as christians (often the people i speak to who think the parents shouldn't be given such chances... are christian - or at least wear the label)... i see a lot of bio-fam bashing in some online support groups...

paul... was saul...


saul was the chief persecutor... GOD met him... GOD changed him... and he became one of the framers of the faith

why do people want to cut off child abusers/neglecters so quickly... yes it's a heinous crime.. (i am NOT going to discuss molestation in this post!)

but seriously - many times the abuse/neglect is not born out of an evil desire to hurt children... but out of ignorance, addiction, lack of education, lack of intelligence, poor support structures, etc.

how many of us have been at the end of the rope with our own children... and looked at our spouse and said i need to be alone... now... or have had that babysitter, grandparent, neighbor we could pull ourselves together and ask to watch the kids for an hour while we run errands? or even been able to pull up a blog or website during nap/bedtime and read that we aren't alone, that other people feel stressed.... read about ideas or techniques on how to handle it the next time around?

why are we so quick to dismiss that the bio-parent can change???

maybe losing their children this time (i know many are repeat offenders) has been the time GOD has met them... GOD has ripped them from their path of bad decisions and shown them where to be... maybe i am a tool of GOD --- maybe you are a tool of GOD...

someone to walk on that path with them and encourage them in small ways... to model choices in parenting...

small things like writing letters, sending pictures, sitting with them prior to court and talking about the kids, SMILING at them, shaking their hands, saying it's a pleasure to meet/see you... treating them with respect and honor...

maybe it won't work... it's hard... it's exhausting... but it's what is best for the kids... and it's what HE would have us do...

stages

one of the things about foster care is that the kids are usually gone w/in 8 mos (i asked - that is the avg stay in our area).

we have had the bears for almost a year... if things stay on track they will leave around the 16 mo mark... 2x's as long as "normal"

part of the oddity of the long stay is they are outgrowing things, clothes, bottles, car seats, toys...

packing up bottles today...

he hasn't had one for us in a while... but was still having one a day at school...

monday he moves up to the toddler class... (not quite toddling yet though)

sad... i don' t know if his mommy ever gave him a bottle, and now that window has been closed...

grieving the baby who is growing up and for the mommy who missed out...

blowing it

one month...

and he blows it...

i knew it was going to happen.

he already f-in' blew it.

i want to cry

i want to scream

i want to puke

part of me wants them to give him another chance, i want him to fix it - i want him to do right...

another part of me wants them to cut him out totally - he's done - he doesn't deserve them!

mother's day card

got a mother's day card today...

from the bear's bio-mom...

tears of bittersweet joy

happy half day... packing memories

today is momma's bear two and a  half bday --- usually i don't make a big deal out of half bdays, but we are fairly sure we won't be with her to celebrate her third... so it's more poignant...

to make it more surreal, i'm packing up the kids' easter stuff... and decided to grab their christmas stockings from their secret spot and pack them in a box i'm labeling x&x's holiday stuff.

in doing so, i've realized we just celebrated their last holiday with us (gift giving silly holiday).

we still have 5 mos of craziness and all, but it's very odd to pack up stuff and be fairly sure i won't be the one unpacking it...

there is a sadness... and hope to it as well..

i want their mom to do this, i want her to get her life back and her kids together - i want to witness redemption... i just want to snuggle with these babies forever too...

already???

after finally being able to see his kids... and a surprise visit on thurs - during normal visit today...

daddy ditches after 30 minutes...

already??? i figured we'd have at least a month of effort...

so disappointed

"it's not right"

bears' dad was at the visit we had to take kids to on thurs.

we hadn't realized he was available for visits... had just been made available an hour or two prior to visit...

more to come on the experience as a whole later...

what has stuck with me is a comment he made...

that it wasn't right for foster parents to "force" kids to call them mom and dad

momma bear calls me momma/mommy

we tried HARD when they first moved in to have her call us auntie and uncle.

no go

several things...

1. she has limited verbal skills
2. i've heard of kids her age call their TEACHERS mom
3. she hears our son call us mom and dad
4. the child has been with us for 9 months

i'm trying to understand how he must feel... but seriously... it pisses me off

i AM her momma for now she needs to feel normal and call people mommy and daddy...

there are other hateful type thoughts (mainly about his ability to parent and his qualifications to be called daddy)... praying for grace and love towards their father... it must hurt to hear your child call someone ELSE momma or daddy... for any reason...

torn

this blog is hard to do

trying to give a peek into life as a pph-hyster survivor foster parent... and respect privacy of children and parents

at this moment i am torn in half...

at the beginning we were told parent Y was all the hope the kids had... that parent X had messed up and wouldn't come through...

then a few months in parent Y started slipping... for all of 48 hours my heart pitterpattered with fear and excitement.... the likelihood of adoption in my throat...

then parent X turned out to be a new person (praise GOD)... and adoption was put on the back shelf... glad, but sad

now... parent Y has truly messed up, talks of TPR (termination of parental rights)...

that means if parent X hadn't stepped up... we would be talking and preparing for adoption

i don't know how to feel...

part of me is ridiculously sad... part of me is relieved... part of me feels guilty for being relieved... then the guilt of feeling guilty...

still praying daily for the success of parent X... please join with me!

since

so sad... daddy is still... unavailable...

2 weeks since my babies have seen their big brother and daddy...

almost 10 months since they've seen mommy...

but 10 months from now... how long will it have been since I have seen them...

i write mommy a letter every week now through our CW. it's great - she is writing me as well (again through caseworker)... it helps me remember she is REAL... and to get her letters, not dismiss her existence or value... she does love her kids... it's so hard for those of us who have been blessed to understand how "something like this"could happen... but i do get it... sort of...

the good thing about the letters is it reminds me every week... there will be an end to this... to the good, the bad, and the ugly (toddler tantrums)...

enjoying my baby bear love and hugs and snuggles, my momma bear cuddles

praying for peace in this crazy process...

is she just saying what we want to hear??? who cares!!!!

i mentioned to my mom that the bears' mother seems real nice...

i've spoken to her on the phone, gotten letters, etc

her response is - she i just saying what she thinks everyone wants to hear...

so???

she at least recognizes what she's SUPPOSED to say!

and one of the things she has written me... suggests we meet up even AFTER reunification... that she realizes we are important to her children and that we matter...

when i read that --- i just burst out in tears... in the middle of class!

HOPE! even if it doesn't happen - i can survive another six months now, because we have hope

she's getting older... aka proving me wrong

figured momma bear wouldn't realize she didn't have visitation due to "stuff" this week.

was glad we had fair warning b/c my thought had been if we act like there wasn't SUPPOSED to be a visit, she would have no clue

2 nights after - wailing for daddy... and i know she meant him


not normal kiddie whine - mourning cry

had to tell my son tonight --- the choices you make HAVE AN EFFECT ON OTHERS!

i asked him if he could hear her crying - when he said yes... and looked at me confused - i told him - she misses her daddy and he made some bad choices...

praying he sees how every action affects others - i pray he will be a good daddy/husband

grouchy...

feeling hypocritical...

want to see biodad and yell at him

praying for grace

praying for ability to forgive...

some may think he "deserves" my b#$*chy thoughts... even if he does - what do i deserve????

as a believer i know what i deserve and what i've been given...

not through my power, but through HIS love and forgiveness

i said mean and nasty things about biodad tonight to my hubby... i want to lash out... but i speak of forgiveness, of modeling christ's love to those who need it...

but in my heart... i'm pissed and i think he's worthless... ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh ugh

fighting it... praying for him more earnestly

never thought i'd have this bookmarked

http://www.dc.state.fl.us/oth/inmates/writing.html#1

FAQ: Writing to an inmate...

today's final straw

bathing momma bear after being told i can't take her to daycare tomorrow due to diarrhea (which means she has to come with me on my teacher workday... i was planning on getting so much done)...

she screamed and cried - who knows why... it's been this way for a while and up a level since fake-out visit...

she cried I WANT DADDY!!!!!!

i didn't stop to consider she could have meant my husband - my brain snapped...

wtf... you want HIM... the one who has let you down - the one who has caused all this sh$*&...

i finished her bath quickly, briskly, and then passed her off to the husband... realized after a few deep breaths she was calling for him

but in those moments i felt so betrayed,

i felt the unfairness of it all

this sucks.... it really sucks

meeting mommy

i "met" mommy today

over the phone (@ county office during a planning meeting)

sounds like... someone who i could have been friends with

she doesn't sound like an addict

we spoke

i told her i love HER kids... i reaffirmed several times that "they are YOUR kids" she asked if i would write her updates, and i said of course... they are YOUR kids, we love them...

she thanked me...

i told her "baby bear" was getting chubby and had the best belly laugh in the world.

that momma bear was well and that they are visiting brother this weekend

she cried...

i cried...

she asked that we tell her kids she loves them and thinks of them... i promised and told her we pray for her every day...

my heart broke for her ---- i have a love for her i cannot explain.... she is my babies momma... you could hear the love she has for them... so i love her (weird?)


please join me --- pray for her --- pray for strength --- pray for wisdom.... she has some tough things to do to make this work