intentions...

intentions... good or bad... are just that...

intentions

it is action we are called to

i have had plenty of time for reflection lately in our quiet(er) house

a fresh new year as things are finally calming down (trying not to panic that all is well...)

what are my intentions this year...

to keep a cleaner home so that i can have folks just drop by

to be more purposeful with my lil' bee who is growing faster than i am ready for...

to be a more loving and patient wife...

to be a better friend to my oldest of friends and to my not-so-new friends as well...

to be intentional in my actions whatever they are... and be joyful in the results whatever they may be...

loss and a miracle

my grandpa passed away on wednesday evening

grief is surreal - doesn't matter that he was 91 - he was my grandpa, my father's father, my son's greatpapa.

in the preparing for his death and the funeral i have lost 3 weeks of december... time stood still for us and zoomed by during the busiest of all seasons.

as i was wallowing in my grief i got a call...

from the woman of that sad story i couldn't share... a miracle of all miracles. after being told by specialist after specialist that there was no hope for her unborn son, that he would be born and survive hours, days, maybe weeks.... after being told the best choice to preserve her sanity would be to terminate his life. they are scratching their heads. things which shouldn't have been able to have happen, have happened.

he will live... he will live... a true christmas miracle - a resurrection of sorts... the news received the day before the funeral of my grandfather... one has died, one will be born and be spared a certain death.

joyous... grieving.... life

166 - 180 GRATEFUL

166. two pairs of grey-blue eyes stairing at me and looking to me for comfort... eyes that are the eyes of brothers... for a while at least

167. matching shirts at WALMART - $3 each! can indulge myself at that price

168. consignment store finds - and $50+ credit to pay for it all!

169. hearing bee tell chef hubby "that's not nice daddy!" while playing smooth moves on the wii when he's beat (and NOT THROWING A FIT! - praise GOD)

170. buy one get one free wine @ publix (classy - i know!)

171. being found by someone who has started this journey of loss... and praying she feels less alone than i did in those early days

172. all the gorgeous pictures of this little man who is (almost cuddling and) sitting next to me

173. my sweet dog - that doesn't bite bubba (even when he bites her!)

174. answers to prayers (literally after getting on my knees and asking the FATHER to bring comfort to bubba and help him sleep --- bubba fell asleep 45 seconds later!)

175. the ability to make it through one of those do we have enough money until payday time periods...

176. reimbursment from FSA for daycare

177. ELC... i've read other blogs that fosterparents are paying big $$$$ for daycare or on ridiculously long waiting lists - we got in as soon as the voucher cleared ---- and only pay 7.50 a WEEK for bubba

178. friends who GET IT

179. chef hubby understanding a need a "time out" for just a few minutes to be back

180. the ability to recognize i need that time out

the thought that counts...

Some of my favorite gifts this year were sweet, small and thoughtful...

My dear sweet hubby stumbled upon was forced to purchase my peanut charm <3. He had actually ordered a diff charm (but cancelled the order) of a family of 5!

My dear friend... whom I shall forever now refer to as Vixen due to a recent facebook post :) (and who has been previously mentioned as the giver of peanut's crib) bought a very sweet charm (little heart growing in big heart).

I have been wearing these charms almost everyday since recieving them. The peanut charm has become almost a worry stone whenever I think of my sweet baby(ies) and what they are up to.

The third gift is an awesome book that I admired at my friend's (L) baby shower. (nickname to come... inspiration has not quite struck). It's a line a day book. I had told her I wish we had done one w/ Bee when he had been born, and she got one for our family and our new journey!

I have been itching to start and already have to play catch up as we were out of town on the first.

Speaking of our new journey... 4 days until we attend our first class! I have a feeling it will provide some interesting blog feed :)

Lessons I've Learned

1 Thessalonians 5
16Rejoice always; 17pray without ceasing; 18in everything give thanks; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.

Verse 18 is difficult for me - to give thanks in everything (some translations say in all circumstances, whatever happens, etc.)

I should be thankful for my loss, hard to do - but w/ the readings I've been doing lately (Crazy Love, Francis Chan) if I BELIEVE - THEN I SHOULD DO WHAT HE SAYS...

So, yesterday was the anniversary of my "alive" date. The day I almost died. The day of my hysterectomy and my life was truly altered. Why should I be grateful this occurred? What has come of this? It's only been four years, so I am sure that I will see more and more later in life, but for now


- a few things I am grateful to have learned...

38. the meaning of James 4:14 Yet you do not know what your life will be like tomorrow. You are just a vapor that appears for a little while and then vanishes away.


- a verse I have often heard, the idea that we are not guaranteed tomorrow - there is the cerebral knowledge and the heart knowledge... we never know... have things right with all all the time - for we never know
 
39. tragedies/traumas/dramas/ are not comparable
- too often life is a competition of "woe is me" - "if you think you have it bad..." that mind set is foolish, grief is grief - end statement, no qualifiers.
 
40. I can survive (not just physically - but mentally)
- i remember thinking that i could never survive something so horrid as a hysterectomy (actually a few nights before his birth i was overcome by that exact fear - not prophetic - my normal morbid self) i have learned i can survive what i thought was impossible
 
41. enjoy what you have, do not focus on the grief of what is lost
- while i do believe grief must be processed, FOCUSING on that grief would rob us of joy - i was so focused on B after the first week or so... reminding myself that i had this gorgeous child, that i was to be the best momma possible to him, if i had overly focused on the loss, i would have been suffering a double whammy - losing not only the "dream babies" but his babyhood.
 

Grateful

Some of my blogging buddies have picked up on a challenge and I am going to tag along...


1000 things I'm grateful for... tonight's theme items on my desk (messy and cluttered as it is)

1. flowers from farmers market in waterford crystal...
- when S & I were married, we had to GO BACK to register for more "nice stuff" for my parents' friends and grandparents' friends to buy us... therefore I have beautiful crystal w/ little money to buy flowers. BUT the beauty of these simple (and long lasting) flowers in the clean lines of crystal next to my monitor reminds me of the family I have to catch us if we need it -  and  that we can support ourselves if we keep it simple and pure

 2. the design of a margarita glass...
- this one sounds odd --- but have you ever looked at the engineering of a margarita glass - it is made so that every sip will have a little piece of the crushed ice

3. old friends 
- i have a stack of photos that I scanned for my oldest friend's 30th bday party (From 2 years ago - wow time to clean off this desk) the photos are from high school and college. While she isn't the strongest Christian, she definitely kept my feet on the straight and narrow in high school. When the fear of God was far from my heart, I would be worried about letting her down. The ONE party I went to in high school (ironically - margaritas were there) - I bent to some peer pressure and tried something I wish I hadn't. She found out and all but kicked my butt. In no uncertain terms she told me if I EVER pulled that again we were done as friends. Never touched the stuff again (hadn't found much attraction in it any way). I miss her like anything, she isn't able to come down alot, her younger sister lives with her so if I could go up - no place to stay... but I know this is one season in our lives and we will reconnect again.


more later...