fragile moments

(just found this in the dusty archives)

i have had this beautiful magnolia teacup... i never drank tea out of it though... it reminds me of my oldest and dearest friend... 20 years this woman has put up with me, through the dramas of high school, the ups and downs of some interesting life events... from standing next to each other during our wedding vows, to helping me pump during the hazy times following bees birth, to playdates at SeaWorld

our friendship has hit the back burner in the past years b/c of work and babies...

just recently (don't let the pumpkin in the background fool you - it's january and it sits in our kitchen still... more on that another time) i dusted off this teacup to use it in a daily way - to light a candle to freshen our home, and to remind me to pray for her... good intentions...

today i was trying a trick to get the wax out (freeze cup and the wax will pop right out) and in my clumsy way... i dropped it --- i couldn't have been more thoughtful or careful as i pulled it out of the freezer... and smash - it fell to the hard tile floor...

i stared at the shards spread over our kitchen floor - and kept saying --- i will not cry i will not cry i will not cry.... i searched for thankful joy... and in the daily struggle i CHOSE to find thanks --- that the saucer matches the teacup i use most often... and that i know even though babies and work have come between us in the years...

our friendship can be picked up and dusted off right where we left off... and it is not as fragile as a teacup on a tile floor

***THEN***


***NOW***

she was so happy here

i wish i could post the pictures...

i am working on LAST year's scrapbook and just finished through June 2012...

as i preview it before ordering it (i'm a loyal company of shutterfly/mixbook companies) one thing hits me...

she had  has an awesome smile...

she was so happy here...

and while it is a dull ache in my heart as i see her picture over and over... i can rest in that... in what could have been a suckIER situation... she was happy and loved... and she will know that somewhere in the corners of her heart even if we never see her again...

blond piggytails bouncing throughout the book and that smile with the chipped tooth in the front...

Still here...

All is quiet. Only call for respite in a while was when we were out of town. Did get a call seeing if we wanted to pick up a newborn. If it was midJune may have said yes.

Waiting game different this time. Excited but know how much work it is.

i've learned

found this buried in my drafts pile... realized i never finished it... what i learned by being their momma...


in the past 16 18 months i have learned alot...

i have learned that an infant in the house is tiring even when you haven't given birth

i have learned that 3 is more than 3x's as hard

i have learned what it means to be pulled to my knees in prayer for someone i don't even like - but desperate for GOD to work in their life

i have learned that my lap (and heart) fits three squirmy children

i have learned my sweet boy can be a sweet big brother

i have learned that little girls are super sweet... and super sassy

i have learned that knowing they were leaving made every moment so sweet and sad

i have learned the fear of sweet baby learning to say momma... praying he wouldn't

i have learned the grief of having him pat my face and look into it with such trust knowing his little world was about to be rocked

i have learned to grieve publicly and privately

i have learned that few understand

i have learned that my friends and family grieve with us

i have learned rage at hearing some dismiss my big boy's grief because he really is just an "only child" - as if he was never their brother

i have learned to look at their pictures around the house and think of sweet moments... and hold to the joy... not as many tears...

i have learned to trust GOD in what he is doing...

i have learned to function without them... but miss them to the bone every day...

motivated to procrastinate

have been trying to figure out why i am so bleepin' unmotivated to finish up my scrapbook for 2012...

realize when i do...

there will be no more pictures of the bears...

it'll really be over...

gut-check

good grief i miss them...

missing them.... still

happy birthday brother bear... 6 yrs old... sweet as honey!

praying for him more than usual <3 p="p">

intentions...

intentions... good or bad... are just that...

intentions

it is action we are called to

i have had plenty of time for reflection lately in our quiet(er) house

a fresh new year as things are finally calming down (trying not to panic that all is well...)

what are my intentions this year...

to keep a cleaner home so that i can have folks just drop by

to be more purposeful with my lil' bee who is growing faster than i am ready for...

to be a more loving and patient wife...

to be a better friend to my oldest of friends and to my not-so-new friends as well...

to be intentional in my actions whatever they are... and be joyful in the results whatever they may be...