what we have here is a failure to communicate

on my way to parent teacher conferences in our rural area.... i get a phone call from daycare

"you do know the kids are still here??? they were not picked up for visitation" - daycare director

"oh... my... no... i didn't - i will call my husband and he'll be there as soon as possible - i am so sorry" - me

"we realize now you must not have known... you never leave the kids this late" - understanding director...


---- deep breaths - frantic call to husband - who frantically leaves to get two confused babies -----

---- more deep breaths --- call to case worker

"i just want to make sure you are aware we had no idea kids didn't have visitation today" - me

"oh, ms. xxx (transporter) told me she told you when she talked to you about the weekend visit" - caseworker

"weekend visit?!?!" - me

"oh, um, you didn't know???"


and that's how i found out that the babies started their weekend long visits - it didn't start w/ a one night sleepover like we anticipated - but a full blown weekend...

babies picked up from school at 2 on friday - back to our house on Sunday at 2... 48 hours without my sweet babies... with less than 24 hours notice... no time to pack them - to prepare my heart or my son's.

and suckage ontop of suckage - i hadn't even gotten to put them to bed that night...

oh yeah - and talking to transporter - she swears she NEVER told the caseworker she told me about the visit....

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

less than a month and counting?????

reality starting to sink in.

sent four boxes of stuff with them to their visit yesterday - some of their favorite types of toys that we have duplicates of.

voice of transporter echoing in my ears --- warning that whatever we sent may be sold for cigarette money... not by HER but by HIM

praying it isn't so... unless it really is more than they need... or at the time when they have grown out of it...

sending stuff anyway - my heart says its theirs - it goes with them.

the four boxes barely put a dent in the massive amount of stuff the kids have accumulated in the past 15 months.

also getting rid of some of our kiddie plastic dishes - we have tons and our bee can use big boy dishes now.

this week the homestudy was approved - a big accomplishment. visits can happen in the home now.

overnights start in 2 weeks probably.

still feels surreal.

starting to prep bee - but cautiously - part of me is still waiting for the other shoe to drop - for some set back that puts it off another month.

song of grief

heard this song for the first time today....

cried the ugly cry hard for the first time about the fact that they will be leaving soon.

the lyrics hit so close even though our story is not the same...

so many parts of it are so close...

most likely court in late october... they will go home before halloween...

Taylor Swift: Ronan

was thinking i was going to be able to do this handle it until after they were gone... flood gates have been opened... heart hurts so bad 

random tears at publix - again - same one

talked to case worker... called about something else - but in truth wanted to see if he knew court date (court cancelled due to storm)

he acted all shocked and told me he JUST found out it is on Monday (as in it's Friday today - and the weekend - then court - CRAP) reports will be good but no technical paper work is done.. (of course not)... but biofam doing better

yay

also had our quarterly inspection - and reminded AGAIN that when momma bear turns 3 baby bear must be moved in our state children cannot share room w/ opposite gender after age of 3. big stressor for us

stopped at publix with momma bear on the way home to do some grocery shopping

she was miss chatty kathy in the store - getting lots of awwww how cute glances...

woman asked me how old she was, smiled and told her in about a month she would be three... big smile from woman - and from momma bear... woman told her happy almost birthday...

i choked back some tears and said thank you... told momma bear "come with auntie let's go" and quickly walked off... could feel the tears starting... was able to hold them off, but was overwhelmed in the moment.

should be so excited about her birthday, maybe bittersweet on her getting older, etc... but i felt devastated in the moment

don't want her to turn 3 in our home, but not ready for her to be gone in just over a month

conundrum

we took little ones on purpose

no room sharing for big boy...

didn't want him to deal with that transition...

took these babies b/c we never thought they would be hear this long... and then LEAVE

now...

she is turning 3...

rules rules rules...

baby bear has to be kicked into bee's room...

now my big boy has to
1. share his room
2. get used to baby bear being there
3. get reused to him NOT being there when they leave



TORTURE...

hoping more and more they go home before her bday

thanks punchbowl...

got a reminder today from punchbowl... "don't forget to plan MOMMA BEAR'S birthday party"

ugh

will need to remember to go and unset those once the babies go home - and unexpected reminder of such times.

i want to plan her party - but still not 100% sure of what our schedule will be like...

and those who know me know i LOVE to plan birthday parties...

throwing together something at the last minute is not my cup of tea...

OH MY GRAVY! that has to be her theme ---- a cup of tea party! she loves playing tea party...

now how to go about it... who to put on the invite list...

do i invite bio fam out here??? do i throw a party there and invite friends???

do i do a party here and not include her bio fam????

reunification so close but so far...

questions questions