foster parent workman's comp????

ouch...

muscle pulled, slightly painful...

holding momma bear while at church, ended up somehow pulling muscle in my side... staying home from work and resting...

can't imagine how i am going to care for babies tonight on my own w/ hubby working late...

upside - forced day off just me and not able to clean house... kinda like a mental health day!

happy half day... packing memories

today is momma's bear two and a  half bday --- usually i don't make a big deal out of half bdays, but we are fairly sure we won't be with her to celebrate her third... so it's more poignant...

to make it more surreal, i'm packing up the kids' easter stuff... and decided to grab their christmas stockings from their secret spot and pack them in a box i'm labeling x&x's holiday stuff.

in doing so, i've realized we just celebrated their last holiday with us (gift giving silly holiday).

we still have 5 mos of craziness and all, but it's very odd to pack up stuff and be fairly sure i won't be the one unpacking it...

there is a sadness... and hope to it as well..

i want their mom to do this, i want her to get her life back and her kids together - i want to witness redemption... i just want to snuggle with these babies forever too...

already???

after finally being able to see his kids... and a surprise visit on thurs - during normal visit today...

daddy ditches after 30 minutes...

already??? i figured we'd have at least a month of effort...

so disappointed

"it's not right"

bears' dad was at the visit we had to take kids to on thurs.

we hadn't realized he was available for visits... had just been made available an hour or two prior to visit...

more to come on the experience as a whole later...

what has stuck with me is a comment he made...

that it wasn't right for foster parents to "force" kids to call them mom and dad

momma bear calls me momma/mommy

we tried HARD when they first moved in to have her call us auntie and uncle.

no go

several things...

1. she has limited verbal skills
2. i've heard of kids her age call their TEACHERS mom
3. she hears our son call us mom and dad
4. the child has been with us for 9 months

i'm trying to understand how he must feel... but seriously... it pisses me off

i AM her momma for now she needs to feel normal and call people mommy and daddy...

there are other hateful type thoughts (mainly about his ability to parent and his qualifications to be called daddy)... praying for grace and love towards their father... it must hurt to hear your child call someone ELSE momma or daddy... for any reason...

sweet easter gift!

from the back seat "momma...."

i turn off the radio... "yes baby" (talkin' to Bee)

bee "why are there so many commandments but God only told us about 10?"

momma "honey he told us a whole bunch of commandments - the most famous are the 10 - there are books and books of laws in the Bible"

bee "ohhh..."

momma "but remember, Jesus came - do you remember the pharisees tried to trick him... they asked what the most important law was... and he said there were TWO --- LOVE God with all your heart, strength, soul, mind, and to LOVE others"

bee... "ohhh yeah"

bee... "momma... how do we get to heaven??? by not sinning???"

momma... "bee, that's impossible! remember - we sin EVERY DAY - all the time! that's why Jesus came, to die for us"

bee... "so we need to confess our sins to go to heaven???"

momma... "we SHOULD confess our sins, but all we have to do is love Jesus and believe he came to die for us"

bee... "ohhh ok"

momma.... "you could pray to HIM and let him know you want HIM to know you love him with your whole heart, that you are glad he came to die for us and that he lives in your heart"

bee... silence

momma "what do you think"

bee... "can i pray in my head?"

momma "of course!"

bee... "ok..." funny eye blink... "did you hear me pray momma... i did it!"

momma "i didn't hear it baby, but i'm proud of you!"

sweet boy!

day before easter - it was such a gift for us!

not too sure about this

have a permanency staffing - at same time - kids will be there for a visitation from an uncle (special visit he's here from out of state)...

i don't like it - have no control...

they've asked up us to pick up big bro (hour other direction)

inconvenient - but we have the day off of work - guess we'll put it on our mileage!

will be nice to spend some time w/ him

tv character gives birth

tonight i watched bones...

and as often happens when a tv character gives birth i walk away feeling sad, cheated, annoyed at how over-simplified they make it...

and (i know stupid to feel this way) less of a woman b/c i couldn't "hack it" to give birth and not almost die...

pity party for one...

extra snuggles w/ my boy tonight - thanking GOD for the opportunity to raise him

if i were honest on facebook....

my status today would be...

want to vomit after hearing details of another case in court... didn't help when i realized that i was sitting next to my kids' bio-uncle and for 10 minutes was freaking out that he was going to ask for custody... instead he has requested a visit while in town....

will find out soon if that will happen